To think DH should look harder for work?

I wonder what in your own childhood has allowed you to set the bar so unbelievably low for your partner.

This man would be a spoilt selfish individual if he was your 16 year old son doing a spot of babysitting keeping his headphones on the whole time

He is not engaging with parenting or paying the bills.

I think you need therapy to assess your acceptance of his behavior

I disagree. Money is one way to contribute, but he is not contributing in other ways either. He is not supporting op emotionally, he is not running the house, he is not doing the parenting. He is literally useless.

He's not being a sahp, he's being a bloke who does the bare minimum and leaves his wife to take all the financial responsibility and do the lions share of the housework and childcare.

This isn't a partnership, he's taking the piss out of you, and your dc.

My friend had one of these, got a huge inheritance and decided to stop working, which was fine whilst he could afford it, but now he's running out of money, think 100s of 1000s of ££'s. But he still does fuck all. My friend does all the cooking, all the house work, runs the kids to clubs etc and all he does is the occasional bit of ironing, all whilst she holds down a full time job. Needless to say any respect and love she had for him has long gone and she's planning to leave him.

Why do you not want to pressure him? I would. He is of no use to you. He can take a job anywhere to get money coming in or fuck off.

Wow, men have got it absolutely made. A younger woman financially supporting him, and doing most of the housework and childcare whilst he does what he wants. I honestly starting to think men really are smarter than women.

I don’t want to be nasty OP, but good god, where is your self respect? He is taking the absolute piss out of you.

OP, does your DH have wealthy and ancient parents? Is there a windfall coming his way that he’s perhaps banking on, and that may also change for the better your lifestyle?

Possibly in denial. I’m just reading a few other threads in which men seem to be able to use separation/divorce/the legal system as a way of continuing to control women, causing them all kinds of misery. I’d be horrified if my sons did this to women.

Yup. Lose the cocklodger ASAP.

If he kept your house and garden in perfect shape, that would be ok if you were both happy with that, but he sounds like a lazy person who will do the least he possibly can.

I would be planning life as a single person.

You are absolutely right. But op also seriously lacks of action.

christ, stay at home parent, the respectable title that the Netflix watching workshy use to justify staying home and leeching off their partners.. Completely undermining those who are actively parenting. Is he also claiming he’s helped you get where you are today?

look op. He’s not going to get a job. It’s that simple. You can’t change who he is. You can’t force him. So you either continue to put up with this and carry him or you end it.

Seriously? What's loveable?

He's leaving EVERYTHING to you

At the very least, he needs to take on lion's share of house.

He can build his confidence up by at least doing voluntary work - that could lead to something

Beware of childcare - if you do find you've had enough he could go for more childcare - he could end up with the house and maintenance for your DC

Following (in similar position)

You’re a mug.

Honestly, if you are only 36 this will only get worse. The longer you accept the situation the further away he is from ever getting a job.

He also must be painfully boring to talk to if all he does is exercise.

But you will do nothing about it.

I think you need to talk to him as you have here and say 1) if he’s a sahp he needs to take over the sahping and 2) that he needs at least a pt job to get him back into society- because it sounds like he’s seriously removed if he finds so much so stressful.

So your husband has effectively retired, made himself financially dependent on you without even discussing it and become a recluse? You deserve better than that.

What did my dh do when he was made redundant? He had 6 months as sahd, actually doing everything, then got a low stress job in local supermarket. He was suffering from depression too, but he was adult enough to know that he had to pull his weight. He was a similar age also.
This one is an absolute chancer.

Setting a very low bar here, OP, but at least you haven’t mentioned that he’s addicted to OnlyFans or sending money to dominatrixes, or playing computer games all day.

And he’s not having an online emotional affair with another true crime nerd.

So, it could be worse. However any of those could be risks for the future as he sinks deeper into middle-aged manchildhood.

I’d echo what everyone else is saying. That’s just not sustainable for a relationship long term, but I wondered about small manageable steps for him (thinking about anxiety, avoidance etc). Is there an Andy’s Man’s Club near you? There might be if it’s a region with list industry in particular. They’re brilliant for meeting men’s mental health/peer support needs in an accessible way & might bridge the gap back into the “real world” for him (& you)?

Oh just read that he is too anxious to speak to people either on the phone or in person. Yeah, I could not be putting up with this. I would lose all respect.

His (lack of) actions suggests he doesn’t care about you or your child. If he doesn’t care about you, he doesn’t love you either. He only thinks of himself.

You are only 36 and he is 50. At some point his body will start to wear out from all that exercise. 3 to 5 hours a day of exercise is amateur athlete level. Both amateur and professional athletes eventually find their chosen sport is no longer possible. What will he do then? You’ll probably have to pay for him to have knee surgery btw.

In 20 year’s time, he will be 70 and you 56. You will be enjoying more freedom as your child is a young adult. You will be thinking about getting out there, post-menopause, living it up. But oh no, he needs you to care for him now that his selfish legs don’t work anymore. So you’ll spend 20 years doting on him.

I could continue. It doesn’t bode well for you.

But it doesn’t have to be like this.

I don't think it's fair that he spends 4-5 hours exercise a day and then doesn't take on the responsibilities of a SAHP. There's nothing wrong with him being a SAHP if it has been agreed between you that this is his role, but it is reasonable for you to expect him to spend a good amount of the time you are at work fulfilling that role.

If you love him and want it to work out, you need an honest and open discussion with him about this. Maybe you could try couple therapy?

I would expect a SAHP to get DS ready for school, do school runs, clean the house and do laundry during the day, make dinner and do some activities with DS during the holidays when you are working. If DH has some free time to exercise during the day, great, but I think 4-5 hours is excessive.

Sometimes things need to change. I recently got a full time job after doing part time freelance work for many years while my DS were younger. Before I even started applying for full time jobs we had a good discussion about how things would work in terms of household tasks and management as I previously did most of it.

It has worked out well as we now share household tasks and DH has been happy to take on more, which has enabled me to manage the transition to a full time job.

I can't believe I'm reading this nonsense. Do you have good self esteem, come from a loving family? How can you NOT know that this is not ok. For you to even tolerate this. Why marry such a waste of space.

We all know industries are dying. You use your skills to transfer to something else. If you've got no get up and go, you don't. And to plead the old anxiety trump card to excuse everything is pitiful. Bet he hasn't tried everything, gp counselling everything, to address.

SpringerFall I was a SAHP for many years .Difference being I could manage the following : A whole day with my DC ,a dog ,Mum as well some days .Also managed a PT evening job,Students in Summer (Half board arrangement) All the housework barring hoovering, Spectacular amounts of laundry and home made cakes /biscuits . I am going to get stick for this ,but nothing pisses me off more than a lazy man! My Grandad worked till 65 and then PT till 70! Most put out that Nan was still working when he retired .Told her she would have to leave too .in case people started talking about him being a "kept" man!

Ah yes the illusive SAHP who doesn't parent. I had one of those and he literally did zilch bar keep the children alive. Also had MH but while officially engaged didn't take the medication not completed the exercises to help.

His exercise was education, so holds multiple very high level qualifications and never engaged with any supportive employment scheme.

Accompanied by other issues I ended the marriage it wasn't a partnership. In a fair partnership now, my only regret is I didn't do it earlier.