To think DH should look harder for work?

Exactly that. ^ And at the risk of repeating myself, when it comes to the men who are at home all day, (who don't have a job,) 9 out of 10 of them do fuck all around the house.

They won't do all the housework and cooking and ironing and cleaning and grunt work and domestic chores and home admin and chilcare and shopping. Men just don't do it.

I know/have known know quite a few women who have got a man who doesn't work, and he often doesn't get up til 11:00am, he sits in watching TV, playing video games, having naps and snoozes on the couch, and just generally getting in the way!

Men generally will not do anything when they're at home all day. That's the difference between men and women! Also, they somehow seem to manage to dominate the house when they're at home. They just get in the way, they get underfoot, they're loud and intrusive, and even though THEY do fuck-all to help, they hinder the woman when she is trying to do everything!!! I would lose my fucking shit if my husband was only 50 and was around the house all day, never lifting a finger to help!

I dont know of any SAHMs who can't take care of their DC for a whole day or exercise 5 hrs a day @SpringerFall. Surely that is the definition of a SAHP: that you can take care of your DC without headphones? Some of us even managed to take care of two DC without getting anxious.

Because those women are normally running the household

And how would he feel if your ds ends up in a similar situation when he's older? Would he view it differently & want him to make the most of himself? It sounds as though your dh has zero resilience and no real incentive to get a job. I think you need to be tougher & only pay bills & not give him access to funds. This might make him realise he needs to get his arse into gear and stop being a leech. Shoving a child in front of a screen so he can do his own thing is not parenting. He probably also needs some help with his anxiety but it sounds self perpetuating atm.

If his anxiety is too bad for him to do more than half a days parenting in the holidays and he’s not actively working on that with health professionals, not just indulging his exercise goals, then I’d think he can get to fuck. When he does parent he doesn’t do it well either- just sticking tv on so he can listen to his music , ie so he can NOT parent.
So here’s my take: here’s the thing Dh. your anxiety severely limits your ability to be a dad, a husband or part of this family. Instead of seeing a gp and working hard on it, you are leaning into it, using it is an excuse to be a shit dad who ignores his child so he can listen to his music, and blaming me for not helping you enough or refusing to talk about topics that upset me. I have to indulge you endlessly and you get mad because I won’t talk about upsetting crimes, while I have to earn all the money and do all the active parenting and caring for our child. I want you to leave. Preferably yesterday.

You are only 36! Do you really want this for the rest of your life?

You are limiting what you and your DC can do now and in the future by carrying this man. He has to get a job and pay his own expenses and half towards your DC or he needs to go.

I bet that as soon as you stop this gravy train he will be off.

This isn't love.

I see this as a kind of ecosystem where species specialise and it gets out of hand. One set likes caring (and does more and more caring) and one set likes being cared for (and happily acts like a child). In the absence of societal, cultural and legal influences, this specialisation becomes the norm. Hell, governments take advantage of it - look at all the middle aged women run ragged doting on elderly relatives who ‘need’ to stay at home and who don’t ‘need’ outside help. It doesn’t help that for tiktok and insta trends, young women doting on their boyfriends’ every whim seems to be ‘in’. I feel like women’s lib has gone backwards.

@NameChaneAgain

I would absolutely not be staying with this man. He is bringing nothing to your life He's a complete cocklodger, and a bone idle user. Some people will say, 'well, would you be saying the same if it was the woman at home/not working in a paid job?' But if it was the woman at home not working, she'd be doing 90%. of the domestic chores, the housework, the grunt work, the home admin, and the child care.

The trouble is when men are at home, they just sit on their arse all day doing absolutely nothing, dominating the T. V. and following the woman around like a shadow when she's there. It is a very rare man (who isn't in work,) who will actually get off his arse and do all the housework, childcare, shopping, home admin, and domestic chores. You need to get him out of your life - he is useless. I wouldn't tolerate this.

Sadly I don't think you will do anything about it.

I find a man who doesn't want to work deeply unattractive and unappealing. I come from a family where there are generations of men that were/are hard working, industrious, and ambitious, and I find a man that doesn't want to work 'just because he can't be arsed' extremely unattractive and repugnant. If my husband said that he's going to give up his job and CBA to work (when he was only 50,) that would be the end of the marriage.

He's actually 62 now. So at this point it wouldn't be so bad, cos he's near retirement anyway. But I would still want to know where he was going to get his money from for the next five years.

DH also says that we have the summer holidays coming up too but I end up having to take half a day off whenever DS is off school because DH can't parent him for an entire day unless he just sticks him in front of a screen so DH can listen to his music

Bloody hell I missed this bit!!

You have to take the day off even though his parent is at home not working!!

He is taking the piss and laughing at you OP.

Why are you being such a mug?

DH says he is a SAHP but I do the majority of the parenting and DH doesn't do much around the house. The house is dirty and the front and back garden are absolutely full of weeds as DH thinks gardening is a waste of time.

This is insane.
You can’t be working FT and doing the majority of the parenting when there’s a capable adult at home doing FA.

Whats the point of him.

He needs to be doing 90% of the parenting and housework.

Where do I find a partner like this where I can just not work and barely do anything at home but still get all my bills paid.
He must be laughing!

You need to give him an ultimatum, as he’s taking the piss!

You have to ask yourself what sort of partner would allow their partner to do all of these things and not feel guilty about it.

He needs to have got a PT job by the end of July and be doing the majority of the childcare and housework.
If he hasn’t then I’d end the relationship.

A partner is meant to be a partner, not a parasite.

Do you have shared finances?

if not I would certainly have them separate from now on. So he pays half of mortgage, bills, food etc.

He isn’t going to change OP, he has no intention of doing so.
Walking around with his headphones on, shutting himself off from the world, from his own child is awful and will affect your DS.
You need to decide how long you can live this life….

If he still can’t talk to strangers and it’s getting worse after 5 hours of exercise a day for 5 years it clearly isn’t helping with his anxiety, he needs to go to the doctors and try some medication. Unless of course it’s all just an excuse and he’s quite happy with the status quo, who wouldn’t be! spending all day exercising and listening to music, not even arsed to lift a finger with housework or gardening. What an awful role model for your son.

Ok that’s fair enough- I know a lot of us mums like doing it. Well he has no excuse then. He has hours everyday to get a job! Replacing it with exercise is silly. He can do that outside of work!

There are ways to support people with anxiety getting back into work as this can be challenging for sure.

There is a charity called the Richmond Fellowship which specialises in helping people get back to work after a gap, maybe they can help your husband.

He could do some volunteering as a stepping stone maybe, this is often a big boost for mental health.

I think the current situation sounds unhealthy and unfair and that resentment will build if things do not change.

Can you have an open and honest discussion about what each of you would like for the future? From what you have said your husband is really not pulling his weight in the family at the moment.

Oh but he has his music, don’t forget.
An iPad to babysit his child so that he can listen to his music.

What is the point of him exactly?
Isn't a SAHP, doesnt work - what contribution does he make?

I’d be absolutely horrified too if my son did this. But how can someone be in this much denial, I find it difficult to understand to be honest. And what sort of role models are they both to their child. It’s sad.

I'd find the lack of ambition and effort really off putting and his attitude re just doing this really disrespectful. Being a sahp is fine IF a couple can afford it and it has been mutually agreed, not forced on one of the parties.

You need to decide if this is a dealbreaker and then have a very firm conversation.

Incidentally a colleague of mine had one of these and let it slide because she loved him. He left her last year for someone he met at one of his hobbies.

I agree. Ultimatum change. He makes changes, no excuses and you give him a deadline, or he’s out.

You’re 36!

I would have no respect for such a H. I do like a nice garden. Let him know gardening is good for mental health.

What is he doing to address his mental health issues? Apart from withdrawing from any activity that might be remotely challenging?

The only thing I can see is you're insisting on waiting for him to change. Why would he change, he's got life th way he wants it?

So you can suck it up or you can get rid. Although it might be tricky if he's a SAHP on paper, child benefit going into his name and him being supported by you for years. It might be you who has to leave and hope he doesn't kick up a stink about taking your kid.

He's happy in his world. He isn't going to leave it willingly.

I think it's ultimatum time. He sees his GP for anxiety meds and he signs up for counselling and will have found at least a part time job by xmas or you're leaving. I couldn't live my life like this - it sounds crap. Sorry.

He sounds a bit like my ex. I was the major earner so we knew I'd go back to work full time after having DD.
His idea of looking after her was to visit my parents or my adult DD so they really did the child care. As she got older he played on his pc all day & she entertained herself. He said playing on the pc helped his anxiety.
I'd come home from a full day teaching (with work to do later after DD was in bed) to find he'd done nothing. I had to be responsible for everything.
It made me cross & I lost respect for him. He ended up having an online affair & leaving for the other woman. I felt such a mug.
I'm now married to a man who works full time & is currently doing almost all the housework, cooking, shopping etc as I have cancer. I have so much respect for him & life is good. Before I got poorly we were very much equal partners in everything.
I'd suggest putting some ultimatums in place. And give him a time limit to at least start looking for a job. As a poster said, don't give him money, or pay for stuff for him. He's not being a sahp if he's not parenting your child & not doing housework & house admin. Unless he can majorly change his ways I'd suggest leaving him, you will be happier.