To think DH should look harder for work?

It certainly can be good. This child wouldn’t know, they don’t have a stay at home parent. They don’t even have a there for them in the holidays parent like teachers kids. Well, they kind of do, but it’s the op. And that other biological parent sometimes does a half day,
but it’s hard on him so he has to spend it listening to his music and ignoring the child so he can cope. Before going off to his marathon training. I can’t even, what a waste of space in the ops life he is.

You're 36? Excellent, you have a brilliant life ahead without him, and the ability to recover financially from the divorce.

Imagine the next 30 years financially supporting this loser. Imagine being 65 and going out to work every day while he's had the best part of four decades to please himself off the back of your earnings. Imagine having to factor his spending on his hobbies in your retirement planning.

That's not a life.

"I do love DH and don't want to leave him, but I feel he's ended up in a situation where he can just do what he wants pretty much all day, and it's not good for him. He's reverting to acting like a teenager and I don't want to be his mum."

Have you said this to him, using these words?

Appalling. He’s living the life of Riley because he can - a tale as old as time. Why have you stood it for so long? There’s no reason for anyone healthy to be out of work these days!

Why don’t you want more for you and your family than to ‘get by’? You’re still young so don’t let this carry on for much longer.

Did he work in a creative industry out of interest OP?? Music/ sound recording/ graphic design/ journalism ?? I think people who have had jobs in these industries (my h works in one) mentally have trouble with the idea of doing anything mundane and often need an ultimatum if work drys up

Leave him op, your basically be financially supporting this older man to he's infirm and then your never going to be able to retire as there's no shared pot left for you and that's after looking after him in his old age whilst you still work.

Cut your losses now, he's going to get a share of your pension ect but you have the rest of your life to start over.

THIRTY SIX ?!? Omg.

run run run away from him.

You need to put your foot down on this.

say you haven’t agreed for him to be a SAHP and as he isn’t pulling his weight on that front he need to get to work.

if his anxiousness is stopping him he need to see the GP and work with them to help manage it.

he cannot become a recluse who lives off you and doesn’t even do the bare minimum of keeping the house clean and drop offs.

Possibly unpopular opinion here.

Even IF a man in this position DID do ALL the household stuff and childcare so that the OP could just put her feet up and do zero drudgery I think she'd go off him as it's important that men earn money and do their best to get out and work.

Yes it's sexist and if a woman took on everything it's unlikely her dh would go off her.

It's just how it is. Unless the guy's genuinely retired of course.

So trying to get him to take on more chores and childcare seems pointless when if he doesn't work she'll want him gone anyway.

This comment is quite presumptuous and so unfair to the OP. He is not doing anything around the house and garden and parenting seems to be to plonk the child in front of a screen. His sole purpose of SAHP seems to be to just exercise.

This situation is not fair on you. Especially if the house and garden and the parenting is not done properly.
He is choosing this behaviour because there’s no financial urgency due to your salary.

How do you think he will react if you were to say to him that for your own stress and anxiety levels he had to get a job even if it was a part time job by x time period or you leave him?

Everyone is different but all things considered I would not tolerate this situation if he isn’t actively trying to help himself e.g get some counselling, do some volunteering, do a course (could be online) to up-skill himself in another field….

I had a husband like this OP. I dumped him.
Allowing him to behave like this is basically enabling his behaviour.
After ditching my husband of 20 years who worked on and off and brought nothing to the table and he was awarded nothing to the divorce
As Id taken care of financials prior to marriage he suddenly realised he was in the shit.
He woke up and went and did estate agent training and is now working full time.
I am furious that I allowed him to be a cocklodger for so long.

I agree with a previous comment that it's good for your child to have a stay at home parent, and you can afford it. It seems you don't realise how hard it is looking after a child instead of working

Your only 36 and your husband is 50. He is at home all day every day and is doing as little as possible. The house is a mess, the garden is the same. He not even doing the school pick ups for your child. Meanwhile your working full time, doing the majority of the work and financially supporting you all.

I would be getting legal advice re divorcing him. See what you need to put in place so you can keep the house and as much of your pension as possible. I would then cancelling his gym membership, cancelling the internet at home, stop his bank cards and giving him no access to your money.
Tell him you're bring him to the doctor to get his anxiety sorted out and that he is then going to start applying for jobs because your no longer going to be financially supporting him.
If he is not willing to get help from the doctor or make changes I would divorce him.

I know several men who lost jobs in the past and their wives had good jobs. They minded kids, did housework and got other jobs once there kids were in school. One man drives a taxi a few nights a week to help with family finances.

I would also be thinking of your own life long term. If he is 50 it only a matter of time before he has hip or knee problems due to all the exercising. Even if he does not in 20 years time you be in your mid 50's and he be 70. You want to go places and do things when say your child is university and he will be an old man. I know a lady at the moment who is a young 62/63 and she is still working PT as her youngest child is in college. He husband is 10 years older and he just wants to stay at home and he does very little housework as well.

I can see her ending up caring for him when she gets to retirement. I know another lady as well that this happened to also and she is now in poor health. Her husband was about 10/12 years older than her.

You seem very passive in allowing this man to basically use you to facilitate his laziness and lack of parenting and contribution to the household.
Is there any plus signs?
Is he incredible in bed? romantic? adores you?

I missed this bit too! OP, get out FFS! In 10 years time you will be his carer!

Nah.

OP - this is NOT a MH problem. There is a big difference between anxiety, which we all have, and an anxiety disorder which can be overcome with therapy and/or medication help. If we all had to go back to work after a break we would feel anxiety but most of us would push through.

Signs this is pure selfishness dressed up as MH? The non parenting for more than half a day, the not doing what he does not want to do in the house, the staying at home without a discussion, the refusal to consider any kind of other job. Funny how his anxiety does not stop him doing what he likes?

At the very least, what he is doing at the moment is not making his anxiety better and is placing an unfair burden on you. No truly loving partner would do this. IME, people who truly have anxiety disorders are desperate to minimize the impact of this on their families, and this is often their motivation for getting help to overcome it.

Best case scenario, an ultimatum would snap him out of it. Worst case, he will continue to show you what a selfish asshole he is and you will have to leave. As for him getting custody? Make a note of all the times you had to take a half day off work because he wont parent for more than a few hours at a time.

So true. And hers face it, he’s not actually taking care of dc.

Interesting.

It certainly has for some people.

If anyone is SAH, they should facilitate the one who works.

Are there many women who don't work, don't clean and have minimal caring responsibilities? Not many. And those that do are also lazy CF. Vaglodgers, I suppose you'd call them. If the spouse was happy, all well and good, but most wouldn't be, same as for a man.

OP I missed that you are only 36. You are too young for this shit.

My DH earns more than enough for us to keep up our lifestyle. However, I would hate to sit around doing nothing all day (no kids) for various reasons - my own mental wellbeing, and causing resentment if I spend every day doing what I want while DH has to work!

However I do suffer from awful work anxiety (despite loving my job), and I vomit every morning on a day I’m working. I would rather not go through that 5 days a week, so I work 3 days but also take on the lion’s share of household stuff like meal planning, shopping, cooking, gardening, DIY etc. It works for us but it has been a discussion every step of the way. And I still feel guilty sometimes!

Your DH needs to get part time work and to step up his childcare.

Did you even have the option to be the SAHP? Sounds like he just took it, without any consideration of you, the mother.

He's seriously taking advantage of you. If he were a participative SAHP, fair enough, but he's self-indulgent and neglectful of his duties.

Sorry but he sounds like an utter waste of space. Why on earth are you doing the school run? If he's going to be a sahp I'd expect the house to be immaculate, the food cooked, cleaning done, shopping done and all schools runs done by him. But he's not a sahp is he? He just doesn't work. What a self indulgently prick he sounds. As for running marathons...well I suppose he needs something to boost his self esteem seeing as he's such a dreadful partner