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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think DH should look harder for work?

283 replies

NameChaneAgain · 16/06/2024 01:05

DH is 50 and DS is 5, in his last term of reception.

DH hasn't worked since around the time I got pregnant. He lost his job just before I got pregnant. Things haven't been easy as he spent his life working in an industry that is now dying/pretty much dead, and only has ever looked for jobs in that industry/things closely related to that industry.

Currently, I do school drop offs and pickups almost every day. DH spends about 4-5 hours a day exercising which he says is good for his mental health (he has always been quite anxious), but then also barely speaks to anyone which I think is really bad for his mental health. He complained again tonight that there are things I won't talk about with him:

  • horrible true crime stuff that upsets me,
  • music that he likes (he keeps trying to play me songs that he likes but he belittles my taste in music and I've had enough),
  • football (I've told him he can tell me about football but he does have to accept that I have no real interest in it).
I have told him before that he should get a job so he can socialise with more people, but told him again tonight more forcefully and he is now moody.

DH is acting like he is entitled to never work again because I work nearly full time and am fortunate to have a comfortable salary (~£65k). I think he is becoming a shell of himself living his current life though.

DH says he is a SAHP but I do the majority of the parenting and DH doesn't do much around the house. The house is dirty and the front and back garden are absolutely full of weeds as DH thinks gardening is a waste of time.

He says I am forgetting that he looked after DS before he started school, but he started school last September and was in nursery half the week since he was 3. I didn't want to pressure him into getting a job too soon but he keeps talking as if he's going to do this forever.

So as not to drip-feed, I never really agreed DH should be a SAHP. I was working in a job I hated when I became pregnant and when his work dried up I encouraged him to find another as I said I didn't want to go back more than 3 days a week and we could share the burden of working. He never found anything that he liked so just started telling our friends and family that we was going to stay at home. Fortunately, I managed to find a job that I much preferred for the same money so didn't mind going back nearly full time in the end.

DH did send off his CV for one job a couple of months ago, but they asked him to do a phone interview and he said he was too anxious so just didn't do it.

It's difficult as we can get by on my salary so DH doesn't think him working is necessary, but I feel like he'd be better off in a job and it's not like he's doing loads around the house.

DH also says that we have the summer holidays coming up too but I end up having to take half a day off whenever DS is off school because DH can't parent him for an entire day unless he just sticks him in front of a screen so DH can listen to his music 🤦‍♀️

If you've read all that, AIBU?

OP posts:
Atethehalloweenchocs · 16/06/2024 23:41

*I don't think you have mentioned if he is getting any treatment for his poor MH?

No. He doesn't believe it will help and says it's not worth trying.*

Translation - I dont want to change anything because I like them how they are. I trot out MH and grief for my long dead friends to get you off my back.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 16/06/2024 23:37

Oh OP, I am so sorry, your update makes me so angry for you. You are not going to be able to have a reasonable discussion with him because he has made a very nice life for himself. The MH stuff is a red herring, and an excuse not to take any responsibility for himself. Stop trying to come up with solutions and fixes for him or trying to make him understand your viewpoint - he will never listen to them and will actually just use them to stoke his feeling of victimhood. Focus on your bottom line (jobs done properly, house and garden in reasonable shape, not having to take leave because he refuses to parent for more than a few hours, not just dumping child in front of a screen) and focus discussions on them. Please think about your own needs and those of your child. Couples counselling may help, but I doubt he will want to go because why would he want to change his nice life? I feel you deserve so much better than this. Dont let him drag you under.

Original poster
NameChaneAgain · 16/06/2024 23:37

I wonder what your sex life is like because I can't imagine being attracted to someone with such a lack of drive.

He's very attentive but only interested in the mornings, which is the time of day I am most tired and least interested. So it's not ideal but I am still content.

It's everything else that is just frustrating me.

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChaneAgain · 16/06/2024 23:33

I don't think you have mentioned if he is getting any treatment for his poor MH?

No. He doesn't believe it will help and says it's not worth trying.

He spends a lot of time ruminating on a couple of friends who have died many years ago (we are talking 20-30 years ago) and again I'm sympathetic up to a point but it doesn't seem right for it to dominate his life to the extent that it does. He says he has got by this far without help but if his coping mechanism is exercising excessively that's not a sustainable way to live.

OP posts:
Garlicnaan · 16/06/2024 23:31

NameChaneAgain · 16/06/2024 23:26

I am sympathetic up to a point because I have had periods of my life where I have been at leisure and not been very productive (summer holidays during my studies) but that wasn't forever and it's the unilateral decision to never work again that is making me feel upset along with the fact that I think he's becoming more selfish and isolated.

I keep thinking back to my previous job before I was pregnant when he was working. I wanted to drop down to 4 days a week because I hated it so much and would still be bringing in twice his salary on 4 days, but he pressured me to carry on full time even though I found it soul-destroying.

I think he thinks because I can earn so much more it's my duty to work as many hours as I can and he downplays what he can do, but he doesn't have any grasp of the personal allowance and marginal tax rates even though I have tried to explain so many times.

I just don't like who he's become/becoming I guess

Sorry but he sounds awful. Really lazy, full of excuses, taking zero responsibility. Shit at housework, parenting, socialising, and finding a job. He's all problems and no solutions.

I wonder what your sex life is like because I can't imagine being attracted to someone with such a lack of drive.

Barney16 · 16/06/2024 23:26

I sympathise but can offer no solution only an assurance that you aren't a)alone or b) unreasonable. My DP hasn't worked for a couple of years. He applies for jobs but only jobs that are or are similar to what he has done before. He has always been extremely well paid and has expectations about job and salary. We don't have children so that's not a concern but he does absolutely nothing in the house. And I mean nothing. If I'm working away from home it's quite usual for me to arrive home twelve hours after I left and the washing up to still be in the sink and him to say oh what's for dinner. He will very occasionally mow the lawn but that's it garden wise. He drinks a lot and I'm getting really pissed off paying for his wine. Not quite sure why that pisses me off more than me cleaning the house while he lies in bed but it does. I may be being stereotypical but I genuinely believe that a woman in his position would be working really hard in the house and being creative about applying for jobs.

Original poster
NameChaneAgain · 16/06/2024 23:26

I am sympathetic up to a point because I have had periods of my life where I have been at leisure and not been very productive (summer holidays during my studies) but that wasn't forever and it's the unilateral decision to never work again that is making me feel upset along with the fact that I think he's becoming more selfish and isolated.

I keep thinking back to my previous job before I was pregnant when he was working. I wanted to drop down to 4 days a week because I hated it so much and would still be bringing in twice his salary on 4 days, but he pressured me to carry on full time even though I found it soul-destroying.

I think he thinks because I can earn so much more it's my duty to work as many hours as I can and he downplays what he can do, but he doesn't have any grasp of the personal allowance and marginal tax rates even though I have tried to explain so many times.

I just don't like who he's become/becoming I guess

OP posts:
Lentilweaver · 16/06/2024 23:23

He's playing you like a fiddle. Manipulating you with his threats.

If he is too anxious to work, then he can't be also too anxious to do housework or parent. Pick one! Very convenient to only be able to go to the gym and be too anxious for any useful contribution.

I don't think you have mentioned if he is getting any treatment for his poor MH?

Opinionwontchangeluv · 16/06/2024 23:19

Wow just wow

Original poster
NameChaneAgain · 16/06/2024 23:15

Anyway, so we had a small fight last night just before I started this thread, and a much bigger one tonight. I told him I wasn't happy that he had just decided not to work and to exercise 4+ hours a day. He says I'm being unfair because he is trying his best. I say I can't believe he think I'm being unfair.

He says it's not worth him getting a job because of childcare in school holidays. I keep pointing out that he doesn't do that much childcare in the school holidays and DS would be more stimulated in a holiday club for half a day.

His focus is all on how hard he thinks he is trying but he'll quite happily admit that he doesn't spend more than an hour or two at most doing housework etc. I am out at work/with DS from 8am-5pm most days so that's a lot of time spent at leisure. He asks if I want him to clean the floors twice but there's a ton of stuff that he never does. I have been asking him for at least a month to sign DS up for scouts and he hasn't even done that.

He always comes back to ridiculous suggestions like do I want to give up work and he can work full time earning little money, when I just want him to get a part-time job.

I wish he would talk to his parents or somebody who could talk some sense into him. Instead it's just me and he sees me as some weird boss/mummy which isn't a good dynamic.

I do worry about his mental health. He was having shaking panic attacks this morning after I said again that he should get a job last night. He's sleeping downstairs tonight so I don't know what he's like. He would probably kill himself if he were to divorce but I just want him to get out of this current harmful routine.

OP posts:
westisbest1982 · 16/06/2024 23:08

NameChaneAgain · 16/06/2024 22:56

Even IF a man in this position DID do ALL the household stuff and childcare so that the OP could just put her feet up and do zero drudgery I think she'd go off him as it's important that men earn money and do their best to get out and work.

That's not at all accurate. I don't think the fact he is a man has anything to do with it - I just don't think it's good for him to be at home doing what he likes pretty much all day, speaking to nobody, doing an hour or so of chores whilst I am at work all week. It's not a good balance and it's not good for his well-being. I'd say the same if I was the husband and he was the wife.

You’ve said twice in this post that the current situation isn’t good for him.

What about you and your child? Have you thought how it’s negatively impacting on you and him?

Original poster
NameChaneAgain · 16/06/2024 23:05

OP has said that she does the majority of childcare snd housework

He does the majority of the housework but the housework just isn't being done beyond the bare minimum (unloading dishwasher and washing clothes etc).

He also does a lot if it quite badly - eg he can't tell when clothes/sheets etc are dry and so puts them away and they get mould stains.

OP posts:
Knitgoodwoman · 16/06/2024 23:00

That much exercise can actually make anxiety worse, even professional athletes rarely do 5 hours every day!! At 36 you need to move on, he won’t change.

Original poster
NameChaneAgain · 16/06/2024 23:00

Did he work in a creative industry out of interest OP?? Music/ sound recording/ graphic design/ journalism ?? I think people who have had jobs in these industries (my h works in one) mentally have trouble with the idea of doing anything mundane and often need an ultimatum if work drys up

You have hit the nail on the head. He keeps saying that I want him to get a job in Sainsbury's and when there is an entire world out there and I would be happy to support him if he needs to study for a qualification that will lead to a job. I would be very happy if he was just working 2-3 days a week even bringing in say £5-10k a year. He just won't engage with anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChaneAgain · 16/06/2024 22:56

Even IF a man in this position DID do ALL the household stuff and childcare so that the OP could just put her feet up and do zero drudgery I think she'd go off him as it's important that men earn money and do their best to get out and work.

That's not at all accurate. I don't think the fact he is a man has anything to do with it - I just don't think it's good for him to be at home doing what he likes pretty much all day, speaking to nobody, doing an hour or so of chores whilst I am at work all week. It's not a good balance and it's not good for his well-being. I'd say the same if I was the husband and he was the wife.

OP posts:
GingerPirate · 16/06/2024 17:23

I did read all of that.
You and your son would be better off without the dead weight of your husband.

Lacky301 · 16/06/2024 17:04

He may be severely depressed is that the case op

RightOnTheEdge · 16/06/2024 16:35

36!! Run for your life OP.
Don't waste the rest of your life with this useless, piss taking man baby!

Choochoo21 · 16/06/2024 16:19

Marrta · 16/06/2024 12:33

I agree with a previous comment that it's good for your child to have a stay at home parent, and you can afford it. It seems you don't realise how hard it is looking after a child instead of working

But he’s not looking after the child much.

OP has said that she does the majority of childcare snd housework etc whilst he exercises for hours everyday.

She is the one who has to have a day off if the child is sick because the ‘SAHP’ apparently can’t cope.

AgentJohnson · 16/06/2024 16:13

Stop waiting for him to be different.

Carebearsonmybed · 16/06/2024 16:01

Dump this horrid cocklodger.

lechatnoir · 16/06/2024 15:27

I can barely believe what I'm reading. A healthy 50 year old who doesn't work, doesn't really look after his child, doesn't do anything around the house or garden. He really is living the life of bloody riley whilst you do everything else including earn all the money! I'm sure lots of us would like to indulge in a hobby or have time to exercise for hours on end but we have FAMILY, RESPONSIBILITIES & JOBS!

Why are you allowing this to continue? I couldn't respect any partner who chose to do fuck all whilst I slogged my guts out.

Blobblobblob · 16/06/2024 15:17

Pull the plaster off

Gather evidence that you are in fact the primary parent and GTFO before you build up more assets for him to take.

You're going to lose a chunk anyway and it will be worse the longer it goes on.

TheBestFriend · 16/06/2024 15:02

I think he needs to see a medical professional about his anxiety. It seems ike he has some coping mechanisms like exercise and music but he has taken them to the extreme and his lifestyle doesn't enable living as a member of society (eg not interacting with his child, not feeling well enough to interview for a job). If there's no intervention it will become more extreme than that, which IMO is already really extreme and will drive you to separate sooner rather than later, and/or affect your MH.

ChristmasCwtch · 16/06/2024 14:58

He sounds like a total loser. You’re far more patient than many at carrying a useless lump for 5 years!!

He’s a dreadful example for your poor child too. I’d sack a nanny/childminder who had headphones on whilst caring for my child.