To think DH should look harder for work?

I hate the way that we women are socialised into accepting and making excuses for manchildren like your DH.

Plenty of people have anxiety and yet work, because we have to.

Exercising 4 hours a day is excessive and unnecessary. Middle aged male obsession with marathons as a way of performing masculinity is such a cliche. Trying to get you to listen to his music is something I'd expect from my teenage DS (and no, I don't comply, because music pumped out from a phone sounds tinny and horrible and also I strongly dislike 'drill rap'.). Wanting to talk gruesome true crime with you is proper incel behaviour.

The PP who found a solution in getting her DH to garden is nice but she's still essentially 'parenting' him. 'Keeping him busy'

In a functional relationship BOTH partners have to bring something REAL to the table. Doing the odd bit of part time parenting is not enough. if he's not wokring he should be running the household and parenting to a very high standard.

If he won't then something needs to change.

Don't just keep on keeping on OP. I had a partner like this until I broke. Don't let it get to that stage.

He's the definition of a cocklodger.
Kick him out and find yourself again OP. He's using you. You need to get angry.

Please leave now while you can and sort the finances out now before you become responsible for him

Op think about it like this. At 50 and right now he is probably in the best position to actually find a job, get himself sorted out and contribute to the family.

Fast forward 5 years, he's older and less likely to find something after being out of work for 10 years, no skills acquired in the mean time. Your ds is now 10 and much more independent and would definitely be doing clubs and with friends much more - so the childcare does reduce a lot. What contribution is he going to make then? Oh and you would have 5 more years of resentment.

And then fast forward a further 5 years and your life has also passed you by whilst your ds has grown up and you are left with bitter resentment.

You are in the best position now to make some changes and leave. You have a secure and good salary, your ds is growing up and you are younger. Your MH also deserves priority. Honestly listening to music the entire day, 4-5 hours of exercise is just a joke. It's a luxury. He is taking awful advantage of you.

I think you should worry less about your husband's mental health and more about your own.

I think since you've explained more it seems he is suited to working on his own without being surrounded by other people or worse, customers. It would be hard to find that. Is that right ?

Oh my God. I really have to ask OP, where is your anger? He is manipulating you. Your whole fight, everything he said to you was solid gold manipulation. Plus his "panic attack" this morning, which was clearly designed to a) punish you and b) keep you from daring to suggest he works again. He is not engaging with you in good faith. He is not engaging with you as an adult or a partner. He doesn't give a shit about you. Or your child. Only himself.

That he has the nerve to say that he's too anxious to work or parent or do housework to a decent standard but that he doesn't need treatment is unbelievable. He can't have it both ways. Also I am prepared to bet a very, very large sum that if his gravy train aka you fucked off and he were looking down the barrel of a life on benefits and an actual assessment of his mental health, he'd regain the ability to work with unbelievable speed. Don't let him give you that "you want me to work at Sainsbury's" shit. Fuck yeah you want him to work at Sainsbury's. Or Tesco, or the local pub, or wherever. I have a well paid, highly skilled job, and if I lost it I would of course look for another one, but if time went by and it was clear the jobs weren't there, fuck yeah I'd be stacking shelves and pulling pints, because some money is better than no money and work is much better than no work. Stop letting him change the subject from how shit he is to how mean you are. Be "mean" (you're not). Own it.

I have to agree that you should get some counselling for yourself, because the fact that you have tolerated this and seem to feel some responsibility for his mental health is... surprising. But you are right, let's say his mental health issues are legitimate - in that case the absolute worst thing for him is to continue in this routine and you're doing him no favours bankrolling him.

Not to mention that in 10 years he’ll be 60, and OP only 46, and a judge will see the length of time left before retirement to be disadvantageous to the H.

Unless your child has lots of medical appointments, your really don’t need a SAHP for a school aged child. Ours is 10. I work 3 days a week and do most of the household stuff.

Your H sounds horrible.

You should get counselling for yourself at the very minimum. Because your belief/fear that his mental health is your responsibility is holding you - and your DC - back.

Would you pay for a nanny or childcarer who put your DC on the iPad instead of engaging them, who wore headphones whilst in their presence, and who left all the difficult work to you? If not, why is this different? Get counselling for yourself and a safe space to work it through, away from him.

It will only get worse - i am ten years down the track with much the same issues and have various friends with the same. My DP used to do all his exercise during weekends and evenings as well just to make sure i had no free time. And he always wants to talk to me when i have had 12 hours of talking!!
SAHP whatever gender should be a joint agreed decisions otherwise resentment builds.
He needs to agree a plan to get back to work

1. if he has anxiety he needs to go to the doctors and get meds ( i personally think its anxiety at getting back to work because he hasn't worked in so long)
2. if he doesn't know what he wants to do - he can get career advice
3. if he needs to retrain he needs to commit to it

But the key think is he needs to really commit to it- can you see a counsellor at all to talk it through

In the meantime- sign DS up to activities that DH has to take him to (scouts often need scout leaders..) get parents lock on the ipad and forget to give him details

He's full of shit. He needs to get to the doctors ASAP. Then even part time work just doing something.
Parenting with headphones on. Ffs. No, he's a Cocklodger.

I got so angry I couldn't read it all I'm afraid. I couldn't stay with someone like this. I really really couldn't. He can't even pick up children from school because he's so busy exercising? That is pure entitlement on his part.

Oh, as per your update, he has self diagnosed imself with anxiety and refuses to see a doctor? How very convenient. And he's also curing himself with exercise? Even more convenient.

I would leave a partner who claimed to have an illness but refused to get any help or meds.

I’d leave now, as half your pension now is a lot less than half your pension in ten years time

he is a manipulative lazy man child and you are his mummy

I do worry about his mental health. He was having shaking panic attacks this morning after I said again that he should get a job last night. He's sleeping downstairs tonight so I don't know what he's like. He would probably kill himself if he were to divorce but I just want him to get out of this current harmful routine.

He’s manipulating you. Whether he’s actively conscious of it or not.

You need to get angry.

OP he has an absolute fool made of you.
He thinks you are the family workhorse and he couldn't care less the cost to you.
Proof of that is your last job.
Can you really not see that?
He's not daft, he knows how to pressurise you to kill yourself working in a job so he continues to do nothing.
The only person he cares about is himself and he has some mug made out of you.
This is your life until you want it to be different.
I would expect some health drama now from him to punish you for daring to question his need to only think of himself.
How you can find such an utter user/loser attractive is a astounding.
Put your child into summer camps so you have proof he does nothing for him, and divorce him.

Does he bollocks have problems with anxiety!

he’s a selfish prick. Sticking earphones in when he’s supposed to be parenting?! Really?!

“too nervous” to have a phone interview but fine to do 3+ hours of exercise and none of the school
runs.

he is a fucking deadbeat, this post has really riled me up you are being taken for an absolute fool. He needs to get off his arse and get a job, or get out.

He needs to get to therapy fast OP. He is clearly not well and his reactions are not proportionate.
Can you set an ultimatum for him to access some help? That at least?

Yanbu, but he needs to recognise that he has challenges with anxiety and he will need help with those as it's nit just for him, it's for his family.
It's a long road to feeling better from anxiety, for instance, it takes 3 weeks for the meds to kick in and you feel worse before you feel better. Waiting lists for any talking therapy etc are months, but if it's been 5 years, another 6 months won't hurt. Perhaps he'll be more open to getting some help if there is no short term expectation on him to be a better functioning member of the family?

OP FWIW a few years ago I found myself in a similar situation. We had shared childcare at home since DC were born. My ex left his job due to a job change that hadn't suited him, 'couldn't' apply for jobs as 'they were all too far' and he 'didn't like' the companies with workplaces nearer. We went to couples counselling. He said a few things which made me realise he was simply incompetent and relying on me to prop him up. He was exercising obsessively. He claimed terrible anxiety. When I left him, miraculously, he took a full time job many miles away and still commutes there to this day! I have no idea whether he is still suffering with MH and thank god I don't really need to. It sounds like he is playing you because he can. You are being tolerant. I was for a time... but once I've snapped I can't go back... thank goodness. I had lost all respect for him.

But you said that you gave to look after dc du try ing holidays as he’s unable to.

Anywsy, thats given you a an perfect opener . Basically, he gas the summer to get his his together, and start applying jobs, with a start date being September. It can take that long to apply, have interviews etc.

He’s also using emotional blackmail to control the situation. He’s a clever manipulator . Don’t fall for it.

Think, do you u want to be in the same position this time year, or even in six months time. If not, get that anger out again.

Dog walking or someone’s PT, easy life shove child in front of iPad. I SAHM - all pick ups, cook, housework , washing, dog, carer for my father . I’ve just joined a gym to get 25% off my child’s swimming lessons so effectively swim for £4 a month on the saving plus I need to do something for me. Parenting is 95% plus I support and paperwork my husband. It’s busy, I’m lucky but I have our children (5 and 18 months 24/7) and everything is in addition to rather instead of.

He says it's not worth him getting a job because of childcare in school holidays. I keep pointing out that he doesn't do that much childcare in the school holidays and DS would be more stimulated in a holiday club for half a day.

So he’s using his child as leverage. That alone would remove any respect for him if he was my partner.