To think DH should look harder for work?

I lack words OP. It's like you have another child to look after. It is bad now, but what would happen if you have suddenly lost your ability to do your job ? What about his retirement ? Does he expect you to subsidise all that ? What about holidays ?

He sounds equally spoilt and depressed and you sound like a saint. Has he seen his GP and would you both consider couples counselling? It must be so difficult for you-you can’t keep going like this, you will make yourself ill and he won’t even notice because he will be too busy thinking about himself, his exercise regime and days gone by.
💐 good luck.

A man's perspective here. He's a freeloading dosser. Why are you still with him?

This is shocking. A SAHP who doesn’t do all drop offs, pick ups and most of the house work, while you work?

He is absolutely selfish, lazy and entitled. You must really feel taken for granted?

And how are you supposed to find him attractive?

Sorry, hit the wrong voting button, you are NOT being unreasonable

Also – what’s he going to do for a pension? Are you funding his retirement too?

Yeah agreed this is going to affect your relationship eventually. You need to address this urgently now before you stop liking him.

Also to add, my partner has serious ongoing MH issues as well as a couple of physical conditions. Hes never been out of work and he would never let me shoulder everything.

and tells me he is so worried about how he will fit everything in if I ever ask him to do one of the school pickups (one way) on a day when he was otherwise just planning to exercise and do the shopping (we live ~10 minutes' walk for a large supermarket)

This is SO beyond pathetic. It's making my blood boil. Does he not realise most women these days manage drop offs, house work, being the primary parent, shopping AS WELL AS WORKING.
Honestly I don't even know how you can look at him, let alone share a bed.

I just came to the thread to say exactly what ShyCrab said above. It's clear from your updates that trying to talk to him reasonably about your feelings and encourage him to get a job isn't going to make him change. Your only option is to be firm and tell him that either things change and he makes an effort to sort out his MH and get a job/do more around the house or your marriage is over. I think he needs a shock. He will no doubt try to make you out to be the nasty one, as he seems to be stuck in seeing you as a mum, but be firm and don't be manipulated. You need to be clear that this can't go on. He is taking you for a ride. His MH may be genuine, but he's making no effort to understand how it's all affecting you, and that isn't okay or a healthy relationship,

OP I think you need to be firmer with him, perhaps offer him an ultimatum regarding getting a job or the marriage is over. It’s unfair that he’s treating you like a cash cow and putting his own needs first. If I were you I’d be fucking furious if the house wasn’t spotless every night with my tea on the table!

😮

This is ridiculous. I used to clean a house, do 3 loads of washing and admin in my one day off. And do school run. Often run errands too

l also had medicated anxiety.

I feel like he has some depression mixed with some regular old trying to get out of work by doing it wrong.
In this case, as long as he is actually exercising, then it is probably doing him some good as long as it does not seem like he is addicted to it.
Why doesn't he start a youtube channel or something? Guys who stay home and clean up get pretty good followings. Or maybe he can start freelancing using his current skills. Or volunteering.
But it sounds like he does need to see a doctor to speak about this stuff.
Also, if he damages the things you pay for just because he is trying to get out of stuff, time to start letting him replace those things.

Oh god no I couldn't tolerate this. Absolutely no issue if this had been agreed in the best interests of your family but that's not the case here. I would find it very hard to respect any partner who was not prepared to work.

Because almost invariably, SAHMs do all of the childcare, housework and life admin and also often have a part time job too. They certainly don’t spend all day exercising and listening to music!

Op reading your responses it sounds as though you’re a single mum of two with a teenager that helps where you’re unable to do something. If nothing changes you’re going to end up resenting your ‘DH’ and leaving anyway with you having to pay his way. I mean I started to resent him at the mouldy sheets part

He's not doing the parenting, not doing the cleaning and spends most of his day exercising. You have enabled this laziness OP. I'd be getting a divorce.

He could still do the dream job at weekends and evenings - but yep reality is he needs a day job too

@Marrta
Like the way OP has to fit everything sprung her child and work? god forbid the poor wee man has to actually participate in family life.

I know a couple of these guys. Invariably a ‘dream’ type creative career didn’t work out and the patches between work got bigger until one day…

four hours of exercise a day though, that’s fucked.

Mine works freelance sporadically, he earns fine but not heaps, and that’s fine. What wasn’t fine was a 50/50 expectation on running the house. What worked for me was not presenting it as money or chores but leisure - he seemed to get it immediately when I said that he has seven days a week for large parts of the year when he gets to choose what he does from the time he gets up til bedtime. I get two days on a good week and no days on a lot of weeks.

If it was me, and I loved him, I’d present it as expecting the house fully run while I work. Obviously I’ll do the dishes when I’m around, put the washing on, ‘help out’ but other than that it’s on him. OR he can get a job and reduce his own leisure time down, then you’ll do more. Personally I’m stoked to have a SAHP most of the year but if he’d chosen to work more I’d have sucked it up.

You will probably have to issue this as an either or choice and an ultimatum. And be prepared to follow through.

“and tells me he is so worried about how he will fit everything in if I ever ask him to do one of the school pickups (one way) on a day when he was otherwise just planning to exercise and do the shopping (we live ~10 minutes' walk for a large supermarket).”

wtf!

I hope you’re awakening how wrong this situation is. Don’t be blindsided into believing what he says. Start taking control and assert yourself.

Things have got to change! Hopefully this is the wake up call you need.

@NameChaneAgain I had a feeling I would hit the nail on head re creative industries- I've seen it so many times. They always snag a partner like yourself lovely, intelligent and decent earners.

This may sound harsh but the facts are this, that at 50 in those industries, you are either very successful and very very good at what you do or uniquely talented and can go freelance and have a bunch of people already there who want to use your services for very good money , or you will be a middling plodder (and he was 45) earning decent money who they will want to replace with younger and cheaper people or AI etc will have 'taken' the job or in some cases that job is no longer needed due to technology or the fact the demand is much less (think guys working in live music on sound - far less venues etc)

I think he is going to have to think sideways and either get a mundane job totally out of that sphere and maybe gradually find a couple of nice side hustles that actually interest him - but you need to be motivated- OR he needs to completely retrain- why not look at Uni for September via clearing if you live close enough- find something that interests him and he will still get plenty of time for home plus the holidays OR look at apprenticeships for older people ( there are lots out there) - maybe something like digital marketing? It's still reasonably creative and in demand. In the meantime, tell him what jobs need doing and he puts 100% effort into childcare and home care or separation is on the cards- you are giving it 6 months - he isn't trying hard enough at all . He just is quite happy as he is and taking you for a mug- I guarantee if you separate he will be in a job of some sort within 6 weeks.

He can explain it any way he wants, but the bottom line is that he is not behaving as part of a couple/team. He is being incredibly selfish and considering only himself.

In short, he is sponging off you.

You are far more patient that I am! I absolutely would NOT be attracted to someone like that and would be issuing an ultimatum! Either they get a job (how about a TA in a primary school?? They're always desperate for make role models and that way he gets the school holidays off!) or he seeks medical help for his mental health if this is what is preventing him getting a job.

A job isn't just about earning money. By choosing to sponge off you he is disrespecting you.

Does social anxiety prevent anyone from doing housework, childcare and school dropoffs? My god, the low bar for men in this world.

He could genuinely be having social anxiety preventing him from working. Most people don't have that to that degree. Also check with him that he doesn't feel it would be left to him to think about childcare and getting work around that