To think DH should look harder for work?

You’re pretty much enabling his lifestyle. He needs to start putting more effort into the house like doing the gardening etc. It’s not a waste of time if it’s going to add value to your home. He can also apply for admin jobs or retrain as he has a lot of time on his hands and might possibly have transferable skills.

I’m at SAHP as I have 2 kids and my son is disabled. I had no real choice.

I was a professional and retraining to be a different type of chartered professional when DS was born.

As a SAHP when son was aged 5

Clean the house from top to bottom
Do all laundry and ironing including weekly change all bedding
Organise all building works and servicing around house
sort all household finance eg mortgage/ insurance etc
Plan all meals
Cook at least 3/7 or 4/7 meals from scratch eg curries or hot pots or homemade pies etc
walk dog twice daily
Fetch Kids from school
Cook for friend more as we were limited in going out so people came to us.

For disabled son when aged 5

Clean up all poo incontinence eg pants, floor and sheets
Do all OT and SALT exercises
Follow the national curriculum and do intense school teaching 7-8 am and after school
arrange all disabled activities eg drama or SEN climbing/ day trips
Do all EHCP applications/ reviews and take on any arguments re funding.

As a result DH was free to stay over night if needs be or leave for London at 6am if needed. He could come and go with work as needed etc. He would often be at his desk until about 8.00 pm or more.

I have always treated it as a job and only that I’m old have things become easier as son is at life skills but there’s still the inevitable administration for him and organisation.

Your DH needs support to get back in the saddle. There is little need for a SAHP unless one partner works ridiculous long hours combined with a child having a disability.

Has he registered for the NI credits through child benefit?

Our situation isn’t dissimilar, but DHs NI record is up to date because even though I earn too much for us to get paid child benefit, we were advised that if we registered under his name but didn’t ask for the cash that he could get his NI covered. All seemed strange to me at the time, and they called and asked me to confirm that I wasn’t claiming the same, but has seemingly worked.

In our position, DH works for an industry that has been superseded by technology and he was made redundant about 4 years ago - he has done a few weeks of freelance work in that time and gets a small level of income from a rental property that is his and he “manages”; but only applies for jobs once in a blue moon while bemoaning that no one wants to pay him, so we live off my salary. He’s also 50.

In my case though, he does do the school run (unless he’s got a bigger plan such as a trip somewhere or a lo no walk).

But what has really made a difference to us recently is that we’ve moved into a house with an amazing garden and I’ve managed to motivate him into taking pride in the garden. So now he’s spending a huge portion of his time working on the garden and because he’s proud of what he’s doing, he’s started inviting friends (that he had lost touch with while being in his shell) to see what he’s done. He’s still got anxiety issues, but I can visibly see the improvement almost on a daily basis to his mental health which translates to starting to treat me like a human again.

I realise that you’ve said he doesn’t like the garden! But I wanted to share our story so you can see a strategy that’s building from a similar position and seems to be working. My story isn’t finished yet, but I really hope in a year or so he will be able to look back and agree that he’s in such a totally different place.

Good Luck! Only you can decide whether you want to stick with it, but I wanted to give you some hope.

But his child is in school all day and he doesn't do the usual stuff at home like a SAHP would. He isn't doing housework, after school childcare or the mental load of raising kids. He can't even do childcare for more than half a day in the holidays because it stresses him out.....

What do you love and respect about him?

How does he show love and respect to you?

The insinuation on this thread is that men are only useful for money... Nice.

I think you need to have a conversation with him, and be firm. If he has no interest in working, then he has to do his fair share around the house and garden. Give him a list. Tell him essentially that he has to pay his way as any SAHP pays their way.

A SAHP is cooking, cooking, cleaning, looking after the kids, doing the food shops, gardening, etc. If you're bringing in the money to feed him, clothe him, maintain him, for the roof over his head, car, petrol, entertainment... then he has to do an equal amount of work to justify his 'salary'.

When you say " listening to music" is he actually walking around the house with headphones on?
And what type of exercise is he doing 4 hours a day? Do you have a home gym??

Couldn’t agree more. But the fact he only wants to talk about football, violent crime and shite music would be a deal breaker for me even if he actually went back to work.

At 50 years old and with his attitude to work it is obvious you are going to be carrying the full burden of your household and resentment will destroy your relationship.

Do not let love and guilt because he can’t support himself make you feel like you have a duty to provide for him. Think of your dc and the poor role model he will be.

Honestly the best thing you can do for him, and your family is tell him to step up or move out. And mean it.

I wondered if this is a reverse. But who ever is at home, it needs to be an agreement and the at homebperson needs to contribute in some ways agreed upon jointly.
I'd actually quite like a stay at home person if they did a really good job of it , keep suggesting my husband works less.

I was a sahp, I work part time now. Mon-Fri kids and house is my responsibility so I clean house, exercise, walk dog, look after kids.

Weekends we split it 50:50. Unless one of us is going out.

Yes he should be doing more to help but women manage to be long term not working and being stay at home mums to young children or teenagers or uni student or even when they leave home

So why is it different for a man?

I can feel my blood pressure rising reading your posts!! How the f does he think it’s ok for you to do drop offs/ pick ups most of the parenting housework and earn the money!!!

Do you actually love him or the man he used to be?!?

He sounds like a man child listening to music and exercising all day… probably only helps around the house when “mummy” whinges

Im not one for ultimatums but you need to sit him down and tell him you are falling out of love with him as he isn’t being a partner… he needs to get any job or you will have to reconsider the relationship for your own mental health

You are being too nice. He needs some tough love now. He probably is anxious about returning to work after 5 years but he needs to bite the bullet. Be thick skinned about the moodiness. He is 50 and too young to retire and you don’t need a stay at home parent in your set up. I earn a bit more than you and my partner has a minimum wage job but still contributes a fair amount to the household budget which makes a difference to our lifestyle.

Obviously it would be good for him and you if he just got some work, but even of he made a decent stay at home parent and home maker that would be a start. How on earth can he watch you working full time and let you do the school runs and can't care for his child for a whole day. If his anxiety is so debilitating is he seeing the GP, if his self esteem and sense of worth is so low ,what's happening about that. Your child is seeing you accept this poor relationship.

If he had worked until he was 45 or so then presumably he has NI contributions and has his own pension.

If he has done the stay at home bit while your child was young; well I personally found that quite tiring and mentally difficult.

I think in your shoes I would be having a conversation with him about getting a job.

Don't underestimate the problems that finding childcare can bring though - if he gets a job then you may need wrap around childcare (can be difficult to find) and would you need to take full days off for all the school holidays? There are a lot of school holidays.

Maybe investigate what's available at your local school and in your local area. Find out if there are childminders that do drop off and pick up etc.

So he has zero pension. Get rid. Lazy fucker.

It sounds like you've been had OP, and he has no intention of working ever again. He lives a life of leisure while you work full time and care for your child, (and probably do all the house-work too).

He isn't paying NI so he'll expect to live off your pension too.

It's time for a very blunt conversation about where this is likely to lead if he doesn't stop taking the piss. How can you respect someone who is so openly lazy & selfish? I'd give him 3 months, after which, if no job, I'd ask him to leave.

To be fair I think it’s probably been beneficial for your child to have someone around full time through the hard patch 0-5 but now the baby years are behind you they could at least get a part time job especially as you are carrying all of the financial burden.

You need to tell him you're not prepared to financially support him. This was never discussed and if it had been it would have been a deal-breaker as far as the relationship even starting as far as your concerned.
Stop paying for things for him. Tell him to get a job as you don't want or need him to be a stay at home patent. He can't just opt out of financial contribution. I'd be giving an ultimatum and sticking to it.

I'm presuming you're relatively young now so you're tolerating this nonsense. Unfortunately due to your husband's unusual and selfish behaviour, you will tire of him as time goes on and will feel compelled to leave him, unless he changes drastically. I think he really needs to get a job and to step up at home .

Sounds like a cocklodger.