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Original poster

To regret leaving my coercively controlling ex-husband

62 replies

Hellodarknessmyfriend · 16/06/2024 00:59

Now I see my sons far less as "punishment", should I have stayed for their sake?

OP posts:
Original poster
Hellodarknessmyfriend · 16/06/2024 01:38

@Doingonesbest I didn't agree to it - it was forced upon me.

OP posts:
Doingonesbest · 16/06/2024 01:36

I understand why you agreed to it (I think). Sometimes getting outside help, such as solicitors or CAFCASS can actually make things worse since some men will just continue to lie and abuse you through the court system. I sympathise completely, the wild accusations with the faintest thread of reality woven into them were the worst thing for me when I left. He retracted when the CAFCASS officer realised I was in a refuge.

Sorry to derail, just empathising.

However, you definitely do deserve a lige without this man constantly overshadowing it. Surely there are compensations to not having to.deal with him every day? Your sons will grow into far kinder men and you should be really proud of that.

It will impact your descendants for generations. You did incredibly well to leave. Bravo!

Original poster
Hellodarknessmyfriend · 16/06/2024 01:21

@Tigrela As ex has them majority he still has the control. I alow flexibility in best interests, he allows none.
I don't see them much so not great.
Court not an option as eldest almost 17 and 14 yo does what dad tells him.

OP posts:
Tigrela · 16/06/2024 01:18

No you shouldn't and the fact that you think that shows that he still has a level of control over you. What is your relationship like with your sons? They are of an age where a court would allow them to chose where they spend their time.

Original poster
Hellodarknessmyfriend · 16/06/2024 01:18

@sesquipedalian better than the consequences.of leaving, yes.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hellodarknessmyfriend · 16/06/2024 01:15

@Tigrela Enforced 50/50 since they were 3 and 6. They're now 14 and almost 17. So he has majority custody of both. I'm a primary teacher so I think that rubs salt even further?
My own fault as he was wealthy and I should just done what I was told?

OP posts:
sesquipedalian · 16/06/2024 01:13

So you think it would have been OK to stay and model for your boys coercive control in action? How old are your sons, and why did you come to this arrangement? And how long have you been apart?

Tigrela · 16/06/2024 01:12

How old are your sons? Does he have residency of one and shares custody of the other?

Original poster
Hellodarknessmyfriend · 16/06/2024 01:09

But he has MORE control not less. I see one son just every Weds - Sun and the other just EOW.
In his defence he did warn me I'd lose them if I was to ever dare leave him and he never hit me.
I know I've failed them by leaving. I should have been OK with the curfews etc.

OP posts:
DistinguishedSocialCommentator · 16/06/2024 01:04

OP
You are better off outside, Time will heal and you will see your kids and they will want to see you.
Give it time - easier said than done but just give it time and things will get easier!!!
You will feel better and when you see you sos more often as time goes on!!

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/06/2024 01:02

The boys seeing you being coerced was slowly soaking them in poison. Getting out means there's a chance they will grow up to be good men.

Sometimes there is no perfect decision. Only choosing the lesser of two evils.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 16/06/2024 01:02

Staying for the kids is a bad reason to stay in any relationship, let alone an abusive one. The kids would have known you weren't happy and that it wasn't a relationship that was good for you. Better to have 2 happy, single parents, than 1 miserable abused parent.