To regret leaving my coercively controlling ex-husband

@hellodarknessmyoldfriend Your sons are young men. They don't bother that much with the parents at that age, even when they live at home.

Being the non-resident parent, you see quite a bit of your 17 year old. 4 days every other week is not bad going for a 17 year old. You don't say specifics about contact with your 14 year old, so I can't comment..

Yes, I do have experience, a whole lifetime up to fleeing the ex 24 years ago. Childhood was the same, so I simply recreated what I know.

I left it way too long to leave. Mine were coming up 16 years and 4 youngsters. 3 of them are 15, 13, 11, and the youngest 4.

We went through the fires of hell with the aftermath. My youngsters also had to spend a period in care as we were hidden homeless, and my mental health was fcuked. Children SS were a nightmare. The system is needed. The system doesn't work. Still doesn't.

You know what for all that hell, my only regret was I didn't leave years before. I told him "I didn't care what happened or where we went as long as we were safe and away from him" I didn't expect the chain of events that happened however no regrets at leaving.

You will probably think it's different for you. Look for the similarities. Not the differences.

Whose to say what he could have done next if you had stayed. Your youngsters may have grown up with no parents. Yes, I'm being blunt here as I would like you to look at it from other angles.

The years would have taken its toll on your mental health staying. Your boys would have grown up knowing it was OK to behave how their dad is.

You could have wound up dead (nearly ave 3 women a week die because of domestic abuse, which includes coercive abuse) sectioned, a lot of poorer mental health. If that had been the case, he would have been in prison, and you were dead is one example.

If you had stayed, your mental health would have worsened. You probably would have turned to alcohol or something to cope.

These are just a few of the things that could have happened.

I think specialist counselling would help as you do indeed live with the aftermath of domestic abuse. We all do. Even 24 years on, happily remarried, happy adult youngsters with good jobs, married, etc, and my grandchildren, etc. the ex long gone, and in none of the adult youngsters lives, I still live with the aftermath.

I have significant mental health issues, granted more managed today than they manage me, physical health conditions triggered by Complex PTSD and others.

You're still living with the aftermath. You need to keep punishing yourself, though. I suspect you feel you deserve to feel like this. You don't.

Get in touch with Womens Aid, please, and get some help. It is the aftermath of domestic abuse you need help with, and they can support you. They also signpost and do therapy themselves. Link below.

If you think you don't deserve it, your sons do. They still need their mom. Just in different ways. We don't stop parenting as they grow or/and living arrangements change. The role just changes.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

Do you plant the seeds to the elder one about how they can rent their own place soon? Don't know the circs but you should start opening his eyes to the external world and maybe he will break away from his dad!

I just want to validate how you are feeling because you'll get well meaning responses from people who haven't necessarily experienced this. I sometimes feel the same way although my ex does not see them as much as 50/50 but it is used as a stick to beat you with and further control you. You are terrified of what he is doing with them and saying and you cannot protect them at all. You feel selfish that you've left them unprotected for your own sanity.

Having said all this, you matter too. You are providing them warmth, safety and love when they are with you and they will be adults soon enough and they can choose. Will either of them talk to anyone, counselling etc to see their father's behaviour for what it is? I'm assuming that he's coercively controlling them too?

He is a vile man indeed. Now the dc are getting older I'm sure they will eventually realise what an awful, despicable man he is. Bide your time op, you set a good example to your dc about what they should and shouldn't put up with

I know it's game playing, but the best way to get to see your dc more is to start living your life. If your ex sees you starting to date, seeing friends and enjoying yourself without the dc, he'll start trying to disrupt this and the best way he can do this is to start ensuring you can't go out. He does this by enforcing the 50/50 rule about you having the dc.

My ex decided to go for 50/50, I said 'great, I can start at the gym, see friends and start hobbies' he was so pissed off that I'd be happy and enjoying myself, he said he only wanted the dc every other weekend. Little did he know that's actually what I wanted. But I knew the minute he knew I wanted them during the week, would be the time he'd suddenly want them all the time.

But how much of them seeing you is really down to him? It's natural for 17yr olds to spend less time with their parents. Probably the same for 14 yr old too and surely you having the younger one wed to Sunday means you have the majority of time with him?

He sounds vile. I wouldn't want my child to spend a huge amount of time with an abuser. Bonus I would say.

Do your boys know why you left your ex? Have you ever talked to them about controlling and coercive behaviour?

I know we aren’t supposed to talk to kids about the sins of the father (!) but actually I think as they are approaching adulthood it is probably the right thing to do. this is in cases of abuse only by the way. Not just general being a dick. Whilst we need to support kids’ relationship with the other parent, we also need to validate and support them if THEY are experiencing controlling and coercive behavior.

OP, just saw your updating post. Your ex is now being coercive to your children who are minors. Get a family social worker involved. It doesn't matter if he has money and property. Your children may resent you if you don't protect them. Now you are away from him you can approach things differently. You and they don't 'have to' do anything. Challenge his breaking of the court order.

Your children are growing up and as they get older they will increasingly resent the coercive control that their father has over them. They will realise that you were under his control too.

They will have a choice to make - obey his commands and get the material benefits, or break free of his abuse as you have.

You made the right choice for you, I really hope your boys do the same and tell him to Fuck Off at some point.

OP, the 17 year old is nearly 18 and an adult. The 14 year old only has a few years left.
You have done the right thing, and the ex is highly controlling. But those boys will break free and you have many many years ahead with them. I believe that if you do the right thing then long term it will pay back. You have done the right thing, you don't make it difficult for your DS and you are there for them. They will be in your life I am sure for many years. I doubt they will look back in fondness at their Dad.

I'd go back to a lawyer and see what can be adapted. You definitely were right to leave, unfortunately he is welding control over your children now but this will change as they see the light, which they will.

Do they HAVE to do what he says though? Do they actually want to live there? What is stopping them from living with you?

I decided to go NC with my father at age 12 and court took my wishes into account. At ages 14 and 17, they will get a say.

At this stage you can only look forward. Unfortunately, abusers won’t really stop with divorce. They would do their best to keep messing your life. I believe sometimes is better to stay married for longer practical reasons but with abuse is hard.

Oh lovely, what a sad situation. But I promise you, you were right to leave. You would have crumbled too far and your mental health and whole persona would have been at risk of this stayed. My (on/off) DP left a controlling relationship after longer than you and it's utterly destroyed him as a person, he's just an empty husk of a man and still in so much pain many years after leaving. You did RIGHT even if you feel you've lost out.

Court still might be worth it because CAFCASS could get involved and do a report on your 14 year old 'wishes and feelings'. He'd have to do what the court said, not what his Dad said.

Have you had any counselling? (If you've said elsewhere I apologise)

I'm so sorry OP. I don't have any real meaningful advice, but I wanted to say as your sons get older, I hope they will see their father for the dirt bag he is.

I can't begin to fathom your situation, but you have to take comfort in the fact you have done/are doing everything you can.

I'm sorry you feel dickbag has MORE control.... the best revenge is living well. I know it's difficult, but sometimes you have to step back & let things play out.

I wish you strength & happiness

@Hellodarknessmyfriend I think you should take a deep breath and remind yourself how you were treated was not your fault. You are not a bad person. You were in a relationship that wasn't safe for you and you deserved and needed to be out. It is not your fault that that meant complications with your children. You likely are overwhelmed with grief and loss in this moment and those are understandable feelings AND you will be okay. These hard moments will feel less intense and you've gotten through so many hard & harder times. You are strong.

Your DC are almost of an age where you will have an easier time building relationships and connections with them without your ex having as much power. Keep doing what you are doing. Keep connection as strong as you can. Remind yourself of how far you've made it. You are doing brilliantly even though it's very hard.

I'm so sorry to hear that. I was in a position where I was forced to agree and I suppose I was a bit triggered but trying to understand.

Children are far more observant than we realise, they will know on some level that you have been through a great deal and still prioritised and maintained your relationships with them.

You deserve so much more and I really do identify with you. I am going back to name changing now...my post is outing. I will be thinking of you.