to wish my partner just occasionally chose to not drink with me?

abathaday · 2024-06-15T20:39:45+00:00

So I’m pregnant and my partner hasn’t changed his drinking habits at all. Before pregnancy we both liked a drink but he always drank more than me. Anyway, since I got pregnant he hasn’t changed his drinking habits at all and it’s just started to really grate on me and I can’t tell if I’m just hormonal or justified. Part of it is the fact that I feel like I’m missing out- not always, but on Fridays I do miss that cold glass of wine. It’s just becoming hard to watch him pouring drink after drink and getting silly. I find his drunk behaviour so unattractive and the fact he’s unable to give even one night of drinking up. We haven’t bought anything for the baby yet but he’s just dropped a couple of hundred on a new beer machine for gods sake. He said he’d come back from seeing his mates at 5 and he’s still out because he’s getting drunk. I just feel so alone and unsupported in the pregnancy but nothing will make him change because he’s happily addicted to booze. I don’t even know anymore, I can’t tell if I’m just bloody hormonal and fed up and have my own issues with alcohol because I miss it or it’s on him. Would I be within my rights to insist that he stops drinking for a bit or should I leave it…

Homerandmargesimpson · 16/06/2024 12:07

You are CHOOSING not to drink whilst pregnant - commendably following guidelines for the health of your child but it is no the law.

you are making a positive choice as you are pregnant.

he is not pregnant.

if it bothers you ask him not to drink - but personally I think it is not necessary.

you are not missing out. You are making a wise choice

and I know that I will be slated for this - but if you chose to have a small drink - that is ok. Not advocating getting blotto - but one drink will not kill you or the baby. I know people will go ott at this comment and personally I didn’t drink during my pregnancy As NOT DRINKING was MY CHOICE.

my husband drank moderately at times when I was pregnant and it totally didn’t bother me

AgnesX · 16/06/2024 08:39

StormingNorman · 15/06/2024 21:43

You have FOMO. He’s not pregnant so doesn’t need to give up drinking. I get that it’s hard for you to give up and watch him have fun but it’s not for long!

It's incredibly boring when you're sober and everyone else is getting ratarsed. That's what he's doing, not just having a pint. And it gets very wearing when it happens so regularly.

It wouldnt be unreasonable to ask him to dial back on it. Apart from anything else it's a habit that'll be so hard to break. He can't behave like that especially not when the baby arrives.

Original poster

abathaday · 16/06/2024 08:29

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I don’t think you’d ever say this to my face in person sweetie. Genuinely hope you’re ok xxx

OP posts:

StormingNorman · 16/06/2024 07:34

abathaday · 15/06/2024 22:04

Thanks all for the perspectives.
re asking him about not drinking, I’ve never asked him to stop drinking completely but I’ve expressed dismay at him drinking so regularly and to excess. At a recent friends party he was so drunk he was stumbling around and fell asleep on the floor, it used to be funny but not anymore…
full disclosure he doesn’t drink every day but binges at weekends and I think he justifies it all by the fact he doesn’t drink every day
the poster who said it’s fomo- thanks for the perspective, I do think it’s partly that. However just thinking about it now I think what really grates on me is the NEED to drink, like it’s not a proper occasion without it. At the aforementioned friends party I had a wonderful time sober and I think it was that moment I realised it’s such a bloody lie that we need to be getting pissed to have fun. So yes, whilst I’d love a few drinks I’ve just become so disgusted with the culture where getting hugely drunk is the norm and somehow funny. I hate how we’re meant to crave something that makes us behave in such ridiculous ways. In many ways it’s his behaviour from drinking not even the drinking itself. Sorry, thinking out loud here.

That makes a lot of sense. Not drinking during your pregnancy has given you a different perspective on it. It could be worth having that conversation with him rather than addressing his drinking directly in the first instance. See if he takes the hint.

Doingmybest12 · 16/06/2024 07:03

Sounds like you need an open conversation about your change in attitude to drinking , the support you need while pregnant and what you feel needs to change in the future. This will drive a massive wedge between you if he can't take on board the changes needed.

SpringerFall · 16/06/2024 06:14

I think dh has some drinks when I was pregnant I didn't see the need to make him stop he is not a child

But in the op's case I think they have bigger problems that just the 9 months

PaminaMozart · 16/06/2024 05:03

You were unreasonable to choose this drunkard to be the father of your child. This won't get better, so you might as well cut your losses.

echt · 16/06/2024 05:00

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Sanctimonious or what?

Ladyj84 · 16/06/2024 04:59

Well you chose to become pregnant before setting the boundaries. But either way I would never expect my hubby to give up drinking and if he hadn't naturally gravitated to being more kind and caring and in more then maybe I would have said something but he didn't . Or maybe he is a thick plank like my brother and didn't even think about it till his wife mentioned and was all taken in good humour and he changed to going out once a month

dazzlingdoll · 16/06/2024 04:57

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itsmabeline · 16/06/2024 04:54

Ask him what he plans to do once you hit 36 weeks, when you may need him to drive you urgently, and even if not you need him to be sober and coherent to take care of the things you can't.

And then once the baby is born, what's his plan then?

Gogogo12345 · 16/06/2024 04:51

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 15/06/2024 21:59

How pregnant are you? At some point he is going to have to calm it down so he is in a fit state to drive you to the hospital possibly at quite short notice

I love the presumption that everybody can drive lol

Valeriekat · 16/06/2024 04:49

When we are sober we realise how unpleasant it is when other people can't control their drinking.
I think you are right to be concerned.

Bbq1 · 15/06/2024 23:47

abathaday · 15/06/2024 22:06

I wouldn’t say I was addicted but definitely dependent on a glass of wine to help me with the stress of the work week, my existing child etc. I’m not sure, I don’t know if his behaviour is holding up a mirror and triggering me because I see it in myself… the dependency.

Show quote history

So you already have a, child? Do you both drink around your child? If he drinks the way he does around an existing child why would you expect him to suddenly stop now? He definitely needs to slow his drink down but if he's got away with it in the past, he probably thinks it's fine.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/06/2024 23:43

Yanbu. My ex was like this. He agreed he wouldn't drink at all for the last week of my pregnancy so that he could drive me to hospital if I needed. and then he left me at 34 weeks 😫🫣

SprigatitoYouAndIKnow · 15/06/2024 23:16

I would have a chat. Is he assuming that you will do all of the being responsible for the child every weekend while he gets plastered? He has a pretty big lifestyle change coming up and he can't be fall down drunk in charge of a baby.

Ragwort · 15/06/2024 22:21

Regardless of you being pregnant it does sound as though he has a drink problem if he drinks so much that he gets silly, stumbles around and falls asleep (although I would never see that sort of behaviour as 'funny').
I wouldn't have expected my DH to give up drinking when I was pregnant and I did have the occasional small glass of wine myself but excess drinking is not attractive in anyone at any time.
And I am absolutely not a 'small sherry at Christmas' drinker ... I drink most days ... but never to excess.

Caerulea · 15/06/2024 22:12

Perhaps point out to him that at any point you might need taking to hospital. Something might go wrong & you need to go in - who is taking you? Supporting you?

I think he's being phenomenally thoughtless & selfish. Don't blame you feeling as you do at all.

fungipie · 15/06/2024 22:08

StormingNorman · 15/06/2024 21:43

You have FOMO. He’s not pregnant so doesn’t need to give up drinking. I get that it’s hard for you to give up and watch him have fun but it’s not for long!

It's called solidarity and partner ship and he is totally OOO! Big time.

And sounds like a true alcoholic if he drinks that much every day- not good for a future dad.

Original poster

abathaday · 15/06/2024 22:06

Butchyrestingface · 15/06/2024 22:01

I think YABU to expect him to stop drinking to keep you company. Unless, of course, you're addicted. In which case, he shouldn't be drinking in front of you.

YANBU to be unreasonable to be concerned about how things will be like when the baby comes if he does not intend to modify his consumption at all.

I wouldn’t say I was addicted but definitely dependent on a glass of wine to help me with the stress of the work week, my existing child etc. I’m not sure, I don’t know if his behaviour is holding up a mirror and triggering me because I see it in myself… the dependency.

OP posts:

Original poster

abathaday · 15/06/2024 22:04

Thanks all for the perspectives.
re asking him about not drinking, I’ve never asked him to stop drinking completely but I’ve expressed dismay at him drinking so regularly and to excess. At a recent friends party he was so drunk he was stumbling around and fell asleep on the floor, it used to be funny but not anymore…
full disclosure he doesn’t drink every day but binges at weekends and I think he justifies it all by the fact he doesn’t drink every day
the poster who said it’s fomo- thanks for the perspective, I do think it’s partly that. However just thinking about it now I think what really grates on me is the NEED to drink, like it’s not a proper occasion without it. At the aforementioned friends party I had a wonderful time sober and I think it was that moment I realised it’s such a bloody lie that we need to be getting pissed to have fun. So yes, whilst I’d love a few drinks I’ve just become so disgusted with the culture where getting hugely drunk is the norm and somehow funny. I hate how we’re meant to crave something that makes us behave in such ridiculous ways. In many ways it’s his behaviour from drinking not even the drinking itself. Sorry, thinking out loud here.

OP posts:

PrincessHoneysuckle · 15/06/2024 22:02

My now dh didn't drink for the 9 months I was pregnant.

Didn't expect but was glad of it tbh.
Your.dp is a prick.

Catnipcupcakes · 15/06/2024 22:01

StormingNorman · 15/06/2024 21:43

Bit quick to jump to LTB over a couple of drinks.

Show quote history

‘Pouring drink after drink’ every night, promising to be back by 5 but deciding to get drunk instead and ‘happily addicted to booze’ doesn’t sound like a couple of drinks to me.

It sounds like a problem I wouldn’t want to expose a child to.

Butchyrestingface · 15/06/2024 22:01

I think YABU to expect him to stop drinking to keep you company. Unless, of course, you're addicted. In which case, he shouldn't be drinking in front of you.

YANBU to be unreasonable to be concerned about how things will be like when the baby comes if he does not intend to modify his consumption at all.