Leaving DCs to work abroad

So military kids have selfish parents? We don’t know her reasons but a single mum with an opportunity that’s short term but could help her career and put her in a better financial position may be a good thing. None of us have the full picture and no one would raise and eyebrow if it was the dad working away. It’s rarely as black and white as readers are suggesting.

I think leaving the kids with your mum and not their father is the bog problem. It's incredibly selfish and an unreasonable request.
I had the opportunity to progress into my absolute dream career recently but it meant going abroad for 6 months alone - I have 4 kids and simply couldn't leave them for that long.

I wouldn’t like to leave my children for so long at such a long age for a trip that’s not essential. I would only contemplate doing so if they were in the care of their parent, not a grandparent. That combination of kids, I’d be delighted with 24 hours of babysitting for a night out. SIBVU.

* We are grandparents in our very early seventies. We are fit, well, healthy and get lots of exercise. We do childcare for our grandchildren 2 long days a week. There are 2 of us and my husband is very hands on. We have occasionally done a week for 2 children. There is absolutely no way we could do 4 months.*

This. 3 very young children in the care of a woman in her mid 70s for 4 months?! It would exhaust most people of reproductive age let alone a woman of this age. And those children will likely be more challenging due to missing their mum.

In and of itself a parent going away for 4 months needn't be a bad thing, FaceTime makes staying in contact doable. But the youngest being 18 months and it not being the other parent staying home to give love and stability to the kids it just doesn't feel right. That said, maybe your sister is looking at the bigger picture and believes this 4 months is in the best long term interest her DC. We don't know enough details. But I still think it's a rotten plan for your DM.

You don’t know that. Any psychologist will tell you that a prolonged period of separation from the primary caregiver is a bad idea, especially before the age of three. It’s called attachment theory, you can look it up.

I wouldn’t do this in a million years and I think she’s awful and selfish for considering it.

Men do it but I couldn't imagine doing it.
I think it is an enormous burden for your mother, far too much in fact.
I think if people see your mother struggling and know, they could call SS.

We are grandparents in our very early seventies. We are fit, well, healthy and get lots of exercise. We do childcare for our grandchildren 2 long days a week. There are 2 of us and my husband is very hands on. We have occasionally done a week for 2 children. There is absolutely no way we could do 4 months.

Why is the father not taking some more responsibility? They are his kids too. A friend of mine left her child with her husband for quite a long while when she worked abroad. She was back every few weeks and her husband looked after the child well. The relationship with her now adult child did not recover from this.

Neither if us would have done it when our kids were those ages and don’t think our kids would have coped well if either of us was away for 4 months.

To not have their mum for 4 months at their young ages, who has been a single mum and main caregiver to them, would be awful for them. I have sympathy for your sister though if she’s just trying to provide a good life for them. If she’s a good and loving mum, try not to be too judgemental.

The father sounds like a disgrace for only seeing them once a week and my judgement would be all saved up for him. What’s going on there?

It’s a lot for your mum to take on. She must say no if it’s too much for her, she does have a choice and must speak up if she’s not ok with it. Will you be willing/able to help your mum?

I mean, if it's life changing money, like down payment or buying off your debts, it could be worth it. Kids are resilient.

If it genuinely gave us a great opportunity in the future due to the money, yes. It's only western culture that has an issue with this, many, many cultures, both men and women work in foreign countries whilst their children are looked after by relatives at home, and it's normal. Judging your sister because she just got money, when she's solely responsible for three kids, except for one night a week, is a bit shit. That money won't last as long as it will if you're in a dual income household

If she's a single parent which it sounds like, I can see why she is making the decision. She's thinking of the long term, 4 months without her children vs financial security for her children's future.

I judge the father for not jumping at the opportunity of spending 4 months with his DC instead of just once a week.

I think 4 months is fine… I live in a military area so maybe that’s influencing me. With video calls it’s not ideal but hardly going to scar the dc.

I wouldn't. I'd either take the children with me and have a nanny or not go.

I go away with work semi regularly but only for 2-3 nights. And I miss them LIKE CRAZY.

No way would I.

Not even in the guardianship of my husband. He's more than capable I would just miss them too much.

No job or money is worth it.

And I think leaving with a 70 year old parent is beyond selfish. My parents have our two and my niece and there are two fit healthy parents and they are knackered within 24 hours. They can cope with my two (older) for 4-5 days.

It is not appropriate to leave such young children in the care of an old lady for such a long time. Your mum needs to refuse, as this situation is not good for the children, or for her. Maybe your sister can pay for an au pair to stay and work alongside your mum? This would be a better solution.

... and the father is still around, let's not forget.

Mother, father, doesn't matter. Its leaving them with someone in mid 70s.

If the father was the main carer and leaving his very, very young children with his 70yr old mother then yes, I'd be similarly appalled.

If the children were left with their other parent I wouldn't think too much of it.

Would any of you be questioning this if it was the father?

It's one thing when you live in abject poverty but completely unnecessary if you don't need to financially.

Why does she want to do this aside from the money? Is their prestige or a long term career opportunity?

I know a woman who did the same to get specialised medical training (consultant, centre of excellence), and her husband took a leave of absence from work. It was a huge step in her career, and she is very successful, but leaving little ones of that age with someone in their 70s is too much IMHO. A better solution would be to share the care amongst several family members/nanny/annual leave/parental leave.

Four months?

Yes I'd do it if the money was good enough. Four months is nothing.

Wouldn't do it if I had to rely on a parent.

No I'm not!

Are you male by any chance?

No way! That's a HUGE time at those ages, and way too much to put on your DM. Given that the money is not essential, I think it's a crazy plan.

I was separated from my parents from the age of 3 to nearly 5 - initially it was meant to be 6 months. I was totally fine and no emotional scars decades later.