Leaving DCs to work abroad

Unreasonable on every level.

Plenty of men do it so I don’t see the issue per se jf she wants to, but like others I think it’s weird/sad their dad isn’t looking after them and she shouldn’t put it on your mum,

I'm sorry your mother has been put in a position where she feels she can't say no to your sister. I really hope a different solution is found, but I think your mother will really struggle, for all the reasons already mentioned.

Be prepared, also, for your mother to approach you for help when that struggle inevitably becomes too much for her and she, maybe, finds it hard to start backpedaling with your sister. 🌹

If he was the main carer and they would only be seeing there mum once a week then yes

I think it's awful. May not have been so bad if they were staying with dad full time but to see one parent once a week and not see the other for months is awful. They are so young too, in any typical family they would be really missing their mum and wouldn't understand when she is coming back or why she has left. Might not be the case here, as harsh as it sounds she must be detached to be able to leave them for this length of time unnecessarily.
I say unnecessarily as you say she has plenty of money and there's nothing saying she is in a profession where this is the only way she could earn money.

My ex did it but no-one judged him as he’s a man. He went for 7yrs in total. I wouldn’t dream of it with young kids. Even with my youngest 16 I wouldn’t do it until she’s gone to Uni

Generally, it’s true. I think people dislike it when it is used to excuse men from parenting their own children or when it is used to set double standards such as it being perfectly ok for men to have careers but women are expected to sacrifice theirs.

@llamajohn

I 100% agree but I know people dislike saying the mum is the main parent.

I would go if I absolutely HAD to, if our finances and security were completely dependent on it etc.

But if I had a choice? No, I would hate to be separated for that long.

My brother is in the military so has, at times, been away from his family. However, his children have always been with his wife (their mother) and he has no choice.

I think the issue here is that the children would be left with their grandma. While I am sure she is very loving and capable, she is in her mid seventies! Three young children require a lot of energy that someone in their seventies is probably going to struggle to give for an extended period of time.

It's hard as it sounds like a good opportunity for your sister but she needs to consider how feasible it is for your mum to take on all three children for 4 months. Can their father not do more?

Personally no I couldn't and wouldn't do this.

However as PP have said it is the norm in other cultures.

Dad's also get little if any flack for doing this.

Their father should step up more it's a lot to ask of your mum and will be tiring and DC will be upset and unsettled. They won't fully understand. First their dad largely disappears from their lives and now their mum.

On the other hand your sister is a single mother to 3 young DC she may want to do everything she can to ensure financial security and she may also want to have same opportunities as DCs dad to further her career.

Did your parents ever work away for long periods? Do her colleagues? Is this normalised in her circles?

Personally I think having DC does involve sacrifice and having to put them first.
But if I'm honest being with my DC would be as much about my needs as theirs!

How long is she away for?

No, I think that's awful. It's one thing if you have to be in hospital and away for that reason because there is no choice but there's no way I would choose to leave such young children for such a long time.

It's not in their interests. it's also really not fair on the grandmother.

I’m going away with DH for 3 days in September and I’ve cried over it once when booking and the second when paying as we leave DC behind. We are going on holiday as a family this year but I can’t stand being away from them for any extended period of time. 4 months is a big fat no from me. It’s a long time not to see your DC!

You are right OP.

Yes, some families do it but no doubt there will be consequences to manage - either in the short term if they are lucky -or impacting their whole lives if not ( read PP Attachment Theory)

My heart goes out to your Mum, she also is only trying to do her best for her own child. It never ends does it for women.

And finally Shame upon Shame on that Dad. I just don't understand sometimes how 'some' men think so little in terms of supporting their own flesh and blood.

It's hard being a lone parent and I sincerely hope she finds a way forward and/or out of this for the best, whatever she decides to do.

Assume she has split with the father. How does he feel about this?

It’s mad to expect someone in their 70s to look after 3 DC that young for four months.

It's because mums are generally the primary caregiver. Dad's often aren't the ones sorting out the kids lives, tending to them when hurt, helping with homework, chatting with them whilst doing the laundry, making sure the kids are getting to dentist from school, doing the drudge work

Where's the children's father?

That's a lot to heap on granny. 3 very young kids is a LOT for anyone.

That being said, parents have to go away for work for long periods for all sorts of reasons. It's not that unusual. Those who work in the military, oil and gas industries, cruise ships etc.

I'm not THAT opposed if it'll really benefit the family long term, but I think the childcare arrangements need looking at.

Whilst I'm not suggesting that the 70yo should be looking after 3 kids for months. I don't know if a flying visit for 3 days is comparable.

Of the GKs are visiting for 3 days, you're more likely to have planned interesting stuff to do, like take them into town, visit museums etc...bjt if it's 3 months, it's more likely to be "normal" day to day living, and perhaps not quite as intense.

Still too much hard work for someone in their 70s, but perhaps different.

If I were you I would be worried about getting roped in when your mum struggles. No way will she be able to cope with three very young children at her age. 18 month olds still need lots of carrying and your mum might not be strong enough!

Either the dad needs to have them or if your mum is adamant on this, she stays in their home with them and has a full time nanny to help.

The children might play up too, separation anxiety etc, it’s not going to be easy!

Doesn't mean it's the right thing to do... And do you think these parents would do it if they could get a decent salary in the town they live in?

They're doing this because they're essentially forced to, not because they choose to and think leaving kids 1000s of miles away is a great idea...

I know many people who’ve done this, it’s quite normal in various cultural groups.

I wouldn’t, not because of the effect on kids - I’m sure they’d be fine - but selfishly because it would upset me.

Why is their dad so uninvolved? That would
worry me also.

Completly unreasonable for her to expect your mum to do this.
And why isn't theur father having them? Your mum could help with school pick ups and an hour after school for oldest, with full time care for younger 2 in nursery. And then Dad should be having overnight and weekends.
Thats about the limit of what could be expected, abd that would be generous

My parents are fit and active early 70's, they kindly have our girls to stay 3 days in Easter holidays (I work a 3 day week during holidays) and 2 seperate sets of 3 days in summer holidays. And after 3 days they need a week to recover. My girls are 5 and 8, and the oldest is very independent.

I wouldn't do this, no.

My DD is 17 months old and I have to leave her for 4 night next week and I'm already dreading that even though she'll be with her dad.

As a mum no.

But dh has been to Iraq and Afghanistan for 6 months 6 times and it seems more acceptable for the dad.

However I looked after our kids. I wouldn't have expected grandparents to.

As an Army wife...
It does effect the kids. We know that. There is special things put in place to help mitigate it, but it does have an effect on them.

As a said upthread... my toddler forgot who her father was. She saw pictures... but couldn't distinguish between him or any other guy in uniform. She wasn't the only one.

Now they are 11 and 13. Every time there is a school play or special event... they get hopeful. But know he probably won't be there. And it sucks. Todays Fathers Day... he's not here.

They accept his job. They know its important. To the outside world, they appear fine. But I'm the one who sees the cracks.

Is this mother selfish? Not necessarily. Parents have to make hard choices, and they try to do the best thing. But it will have consequences, which have to be acknowledged.

There's another thread at the moment asking if a 70yo can look after a baby overnight and many say no to that.