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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to leave DH after he encouraged our DC to kick me

129 replies

DearHorse · 15/06/2024 18:32

Just that really.

My DC was kicking my DH. My DH was kicking back (playfully I guess). I got in the middle telling them both to stop and my DH then told my DC to kick me. My DC then started kicking me.

DC is only little (under 5).

Would I be unreasonable to leave him?

There is (obviously) a big backstory, but it is too long for a post. There has been other occasions where he has encouraged our DC to hit me.

OP posts:
MissyB1 · 13/04/2025 19:37

You should have left him when you first posted the thread, leopards don't change their spots. Are you going to allow your child to grow up to be as spiteful as his dad? Get out of this marriage for your child's sake - and yours!

myplace · 13/04/2025 19:29

I’m so sorry, @DearHorse

Why did you stay in the end? It sounds as though he reins it in just long enough for you to back down then when he thinks he can get away with it he starts again.
Unless attacking you is his way of relieving stress, so it will always happen intermittently.

ReplacementBusService · 13/04/2025 19:28

DearHorse · 13/04/2025 18:11

Not sure if anyone will see this, but wanted to update the thread. In the end, I did not leave & DH stopped his behaviour of encouraging our DC to hit me, until today that is, when he told DC to high five mummy in the face. I was not paying attention to what was being said (I think they were joking around), & suddenly got slapped in the face by my DC. DH said it was a joke.

Not sure if this can be considered a joke. Am I under reacting? I am not in danger from my DC but it does not feel right.

Bit worried you need to ask this even. There is absolutely nothing funny about any of this. It is f-ing chilling. Imagine another ten years, when you have a teen who's father has laughed and encouraged your DC (I'm going to hazard a guess your son) to hit and kick their mum and find it a "joke" . GTFO. Ask for help to do so.

Sorry, can't say anything softer but please seek help from people in real life and be kind to yourself x

ChaToilLeam · 13/04/2025 19:27

He is abusing you through your child. Nothing has changed. 😔

Ketzele · 13/04/2025 19:22

I wonder if some pp are reading the same thread as I am. This sounds horrible and abusive to both you and your child.
My father was very physically abusive and used to encourage my brother, when he was just a toddler, to tell my mum to fuck off. One day my mum snapped and bashed my brother quite badly. I'm not excusing that, but my fuckwit father carries a share of the responsibility. In that moment, my mum expressed the rage she didn't dare express to the man who was physically terrorising her. Don't let your child carry the abuse in your relationship.

SallyWD · 13/04/2025 18:29

If it was playfighting and said as a joke, I certainly wouldn't leave my husband over that. However, you said there's a back story so I assume that's why you want to leave.

Original poster
DearHorse · 13/04/2025 18:11

Not sure if anyone will see this, but wanted to update the thread. In the end, I did not leave & DH stopped his behaviour of encouraging our DC to hit me, until today that is, when he told DC to high five mummy in the face. I was not paying attention to what was being said (I think they were joking around), & suddenly got slapped in the face by my DC. DH said it was a joke.

Not sure if this can be considered a joke. Am I under reacting? I am not in danger from my DC but it does not feel right.

OP posts:
tothelefttotheleft · 16/06/2024 14:59

DearHorse · 15/06/2024 20:04

Thanks all for your input.

For those saying it sounds like this is the straw that broke the camel's back, that might be true.

There is a lot of things I try to get past, but I cannot get past my child being encouraged to hurt me.

The other thing I can't get past is that he complains when I speak my native language to our DC, and has asked me not to speak it in front of him.

That's crazy. Being bilingual would be a massive asset to your child.

AgreeableDragon · 15/06/2024 22:34

Sounds like he’s using the Misophonia as an excuse to stop you talking in your native tongue. This condition usually is triggered by eating, or repetitive noises such as keyboard tapping. Not someone just talking. Sounds more like another abusive trait of his.

Caerulea · 15/06/2024 22:33

There's something more going on here with him, his claim of misophonia meaning he doesn't want to hear your native language is very peculiar. That's not what the disorder is unless your language uses a lot of tongue/throat sounds or clicks, I could POSSIBLY understand that. Has he always had this aversion to your speech or is it a new thing?

I mean it's kind of academic cos I don't think you're unreasonable in wanting to get out of this. Just that strikes me as a very odd red flag even if you're able to ignore encouraging "playful' violence from a male to a female.

FictionalCharacter · 15/06/2024 22:22

DearHorse · 15/06/2024 19:13

The other scenarios are probably similar. Funny to my DH, and not at all funny to me. There was a phase where DC would hurt me (& only me) & DH thought it was funny. He said things such as "slap mummy", even took DC's hand once to slap me. He would say he was being playful, but I can't see how this is fun or playful at all.

Show quote history

It isn’t fun or playful and it’s a really stupid, horrible thing to do. What’s fun about getting a child to slap their parent? Apart from anything else it must confuse the child when later they’re told not to do it. What an idiot.

Loubelle70 · 15/06/2024 22:19

Its abuse, abuse against you and your child. Please ring us ay womens aid for support.

Noseybookworm · 15/06/2024 22:19

It doesn't sound like a good situation for you or your son. There should be zero tolerance of hitting and kicking and it's definitely not something to make a joke of. You need to make a plan for you and your child to leave. Can you get some support from family and friends?

EC22 · 15/06/2024 22:19

Without the backstory leaving for something that sounds playful seems nuts.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 15/06/2024 22:17

He sounds like an ignorant shit of a father and an abusive fucker to you. Don't model condoning violence to your dc. Get rid of him and start living.

Original poster
DearHorse · 15/06/2024 22:05

I am just updating so I have something to reread if I need it. I need to make some decisions and a plan and have just stayed out of DH's way today, as I am not the type of person to be able to put a happy face on.

He just came in the room trying to talk to me, and ended up criticising me about something. In response, I was quite short with him (I did not call him any names). He ended up asking me why I am being a twat and a bitch. He also said I am acting like a teenager.

He can be quite mean in this respect. He has previously called me dumb, stupid, and an idiot (not today though).

OP posts:
merryhouse · 15/06/2024 21:32

Growlybear83 · 15/06/2024 20:53

I think what happened was wrong and needs to be addressed but I think it's totally unreasonable to consider leaving your husband for this. What about the vows you made when you got married?

The contract is already broken. You are not held to a contract the other party has broken.

I mean, I don't know exactly what form of words the OP used, but in the rites I am most familiar with the parties solemnly vow "to love and to cherish".

Meetingofminds · 15/06/2024 21:21

You do have to leave as soon as you can. This is horrific to read.
Your own children are being trained and groomed to abuse you. I can not express how important it is that you leave and take your children with you.

Original poster
DearHorse · 15/06/2024 21:04

muggart · 15/06/2024 20:40

why wouldn't he want his child to be raised bilingual? that's so selfish of him.

Show quote history

He has misophonia and says it is a trigger for him. I understand that, but I am not willing to compromise on this point due to how important it is to me for our child to learn my language too.

OP posts:
Lmnop22 · 15/06/2024 21:02

DearHorse · 15/06/2024 20:04

Thanks all for your input.

For those saying it sounds like this is the straw that broke the camel's back, that might be true.

There is a lot of things I try to get past, but I cannot get past my child being encouraged to hurt me.

The other thing I can't get past is that he complains when I speak my native language to our DC, and has asked me not to speak it in front of him.

This just sounds like he is generally dismissive and disrespectful of you! You should absolutely share your native language with your son and be allowed an opinion on how he is parented/what he is being taught!

Growlybear83 · 15/06/2024 20:53

I think what happened was wrong and needs to be addressed but I think it's totally unreasonable to consider leaving your husband for this. What about the vows you made when you got married?

muggart · 15/06/2024 20:40

DearHorse · 15/06/2024 20:04

Thanks all for your input.

For those saying it sounds like this is the straw that broke the camel's back, that might be true.

There is a lot of things I try to get past, but I cannot get past my child being encouraged to hurt me.

The other thing I can't get past is that he complains when I speak my native language to our DC, and has asked me not to speak it in front of him.

why wouldn't he want his child to be raised bilingual? that's so selfish of him.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/06/2024 20:38

Your husband is an idiot. That alone is reason enough to leave him.

INeedTheStuff · 15/06/2024 20:17

You can leave for any reason you want. The straw that break the camels back in its own will seem insignificant to others in isolation. But you can leave him

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