to leave DH after he encouraged our DC to kick me

Mmm ... how to turn a child into a wife-beater. I think that you and your son need to be putting some distance between you and this loving father.

Really sympathise with the back and forth of seeing how bad it is and then conditioning kicking in and re writing.

I left almost ten years ago and I still have my ‘fuck this’ folder.

Towards the end of the relationship I started to be completely non reactive in my circumstance. If he called me names I didn’t retaliate, didnt cry, didnt beg to talk etc.

I started to write down the interactions from a neutral third person.

I know this sounds so odd but it’s how I got out of the conditioning of it being my fault.

I was so confused that if he called me a name and I asked him not to or cried, my brain would quickly decide I had caused it or escalated it somehow.

My letters showed beyond a doubt that I hadn’t caused it and I couldn’t fix it.
The writing down of these scenes meant I could see it properly.

Interestingly, when I became so neutral he intially ramped up the nastiness but when I stayed non reactive he almost didn’t bother at all with me. His toy was boring now.

I also read books, a classic but good one is Lundy Bacrofts, why does he do that?
About abusive men and the patterns of behaviour.
Guarantee you will find him in there.

I still have my ‘fuck it’ folder. I was scared that I might forget and be pulled back so I kept it for reference.
Funnily enough, I never needed it.
Once I was away, my brain cleared and even migraines and IBS improved.

When you are in a relationship like this your body and mind are so stressed constantly checking the temp around you.
When you are out, you realise you were the proverbial boiled frog and now you can relax.

I would say, once you go you need to be very kind to self. I found so many memories came up such as your driving licence example.

You may feel very angry, you may be very sad at how you have been treated. You may have to relearn how to feel after suppressing yourself for so long.

I would suggest some counselling if that is an option.

However, please don’t be scared of any of the above, it’s all freeing and empowering.

Honestly, I wish you so much happiness and joy in the small things.

Choosing the temp on your thermostat, taking your driving test, re discovering your own opinions and strength.

Looking yourself in the eye in the mirror with affection and respect.

Great update, op! Agree with the point about independence - get your driving license for sure. Stay strong. This will be so much better for your dd than staying.

You’re on the way OP, you can do it! In a few years you will look back and not recognise yourself.

Please call Women's aid for advice.

He is being physically abusive in a sneaky way.
He is directing small children to hurt you.

He knows exactly what he is doing.
He is abusing both the children and you at the same time.

This is very serious.
You need to contact Domestic abuse charities asap.

Also he wants you helpless, hence not wanting you to drive.

Yours is a home of domestic abuse and violence.
Tell your children to tell their teachers that Daddy tells them to kick and hurt mummy.

See what happens. This is a social services case.

Call 101 for advice.
You all deserve so much better than this.

Well done and good luck!

Thank goodness you have got there! Well done. I know it’s hard. They persuade you that you’re the one with the problem, no sense of humour etc. then it’s your fault because you carried on annoying him when you knew he was tired/angry/pissed etc.
Before you know it, your DD has seen him hospitalise you and she agrees it’s all your fault you should have known better.

Well done. I hope the viewing goes well.

Wtf just no

"struggling to move on from him calling me names"

You don't need to and shouldn't move on from it. Not if by moving on you mean ignoring it, pretending like it never happened and getting on with life as if it never happened. It did happen. It's not ok that it happened. You don't owe him an opportunity to press the reset button and go back to before it happened. Not even if he apologised. Because an apology doesn't make it ok either.

I know things are bad for you because in the cycle of abuse where he blows from hot to cold, over and over on repeat, the "hot" phase is initially love bombing. But as abuse progresses the "hot" phase gradually reduces down until it's nothing more than a cessation of abuse. From what you've said in this thread that's where your relationship is now.

When compared to the "cold" phase of abuse, this cessation feels like some kind of special gold dust treatment. It isn't. It's just that your expectations have been gradually lowered over time, by repeated abuse, until you eventually accept the cessation of it as some kind of prize. By this point your thought processes are messed up and it can be very difficult to see your way out of the situation and recognise it for what it is: domestic abuse.

You don't agree with dad encouraging your child to hit you.
You don't agree with him calling you names.
You don't agree with him putting you down (calling you stupid and blaming you for your daughter high fiving your face because you should have stopped her)
He controls the situation by not liking you speaking to your child in your native language.
You don't love this man.
You don't feel respected by this man.

If your daughter was in this relationship, would you be telling her to leave? Yes.

I understand doubting if it is bad enough to leave. I understand the worry of doing it on your own, having to organise everything, breaking up your daughter's family... but in a year you won't regret it. As soon as you aren't being undermined by him every day you will see how quickly you are able to make these decisions and learn how to trust your instincts again.

You aren't happy which is shown by these posts and talking to your friends. You don't want to teach your daughter that this is what relationships should be, you don't want her to end up in this type of relationship. I left by putting this at the forefront of my reasons, leaving FOR my children made me stronger to do so.

Wish you all the luck.

My DC used to play fight with their dad. I made it clear from the get go that I was not joining in this game. They always left me alone. I do think it's odd to get in between them, it's as though you want to join in. However, if this is not a straightforward game and there's more going on, then yes yanbu to leave. My DC were very aware I didn't play fight and respected this, my DH fully backed me up on this so it wasn't a problem. Sounds like this isn't the case in your house.

How did you discipline your child for hitting you?

It's just a cunty "gotcha" designed to blame women for the actions of men ignore it

How confused your DC must be in their little head. Told to high 5 mummy in the face like that is an OK thing to do to a person they love and are loved by. Imagine growing up in a household like that 😥

Many people struggle with what’s acceptable behaviour if they grew up having their boundaries undermined. That makes it easy for a partner to make an excuse for bad behaviour or abuse, and turn it back on them when they try to put their foot down. It happened like that to me. @DearHorse have you heard the metaphor about the frog in boiling water? Chuck a frog into a hot pan and it leaps out straight away. Heat up the water from cold with the frog in it and the frog stays there, doesn’t escape. Abusive relationships are like that. They never start with the really bad stuff, they start with little things that can be explained away or excused. Then one day you realise that you’re not actually safe with your partner and he’s abusing you, but by then you’re well committed, with a child and maybe financial dependence.

However you have realised now and can make plans to escape.

Many men ramp up abuse as soon as a woman is trapped by pregnancy and parenthood.

So he was a perfect human being with no red flags before he became a father? Not sure what back story can cover this

Even though your dd is less likely than a son to seriously hurt you, teaching a child from so young to have no respect for their mother seems likely to result in incredibly difficult teen years. A teen dd could seriously hurt you, physically and emotionally.

No, best name calling is not justified even if someone is finding you had to live with!!

I think you should leave. This isn't ok and may keep happening.

This is not a helpful response.

This man is abusing his wife and child while expecting them to stop him and not do it.

That’s good to hear. I’m horrified that he ever did that in the first place. Good men don’t do that. Ever. I’m afraid he’s not a good man. I’m glad things are going better for you, but always remember what he is capable of.

Your DH is a nasty bastard. I have never heard of a parent encouraging a child to slap, kick or in amy way hurt the other parent. Never. Not even jest.

Being hit and kicked isn't minor, OP.