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Original poster

People not giving an expected time of arrival

44 replies

ZingyCyanDog · 15/06/2024 15:30

My mum is coming to my house and she's always invasive about arrival time.

I asked her yesterday and she said she didn't know. Today I messaged her (around 1.45pm) asking if she had left yet. She said "not long left" but it turns out she's 1/3 of the way through the journey (they are retired and stop alot for drinks/toilet/food). It's a 2.15 min journey without stops.

Aibu for thinking it's a bit rude to not say "leaving now" when you've left or give some sort of indication on yh time. Eg "will prob be there around 6pm".

There is a back story, won't divulge too much as it's really outing.

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Original poster
ZingyCyanDog · 17/06/2024 00:44

mitogoshi · 16/06/2024 10:42

My parents always send a "setting off" text which i find annoying to be honest because I know when they said they would arrive (and are usually 10-15 mins early)

They are telling you before when they would arrive so you have some idea. I'm chasing my mum whilst she's on the road.... And having to guess

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Original poster
ZingyCyanDog · 17/06/2024 00:42

I'm not hanging around. I just find it easier to mentally plan the day and have an idea when they are coming instead of having no idea. I.was exhausted and needed help with the baby, plus plan dinner etc.

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Original poster
ZingyCyanDog · 17/06/2024 00:40

PTSDBarbiegirl · 16/06/2024 10:23

Firstly nobody would get a key to my house anymore. Secondly, I'd cancel a visit that was so badly arranged. It would ruin my day to fanny around waiting. Why are you enabling this. Change locks, make up an excuse if you want.. broken lock or whatever. Say to visitors, 'We will be back at 3pm, can you make 3.30'.

Well I'm not hanging around as they have a key. I don't have an issue with them having a key and it makes it easier.... They live 2.5 hours away anyway.

OP posts:
mitogoshi · 16/06/2024 10:42

My parents always send a "setting off" text which i find annoying to be honest because I know when they said they would arrive (and are usually 10-15 mins early)

PTSDBarbiegirl · 16/06/2024 10:23

Firstly nobody would get a key to my house anymore. Secondly, I'd cancel a visit that was so badly arranged. It would ruin my day to fanny around waiting. Why are you enabling this. Change locks, make up an excuse if you want.. broken lock or whatever. Say to visitors, 'We will be back at 3pm, can you make 3.30'.

LionAndEmperor13 · 16/06/2024 10:16

I think any mention of 'tea-time' is completely useless! I have no idea what time most people eat their evening meal. We often eat as late as 10pm, but when our kids' friends come over they seem to expect to eat at around 5pm.

MereDintofPandiculation · 16/06/2024 06:33

User284732 · 15/06/2024 16:10

My MIL always says 'after tea' which drives me mad as that can mean anytime between 4:30-10pm surely?!

It means “I’ll have eaten” which is quite useful to know, surely? And people whose evening meal is “tea” rarely eat after 7.

aurynne · 16/06/2024 06:03

If she has a key, just go on with your day as normally and ask her to let herself in if you're not home when she arrives? I don't understand why you feel the need to stay at home waiting for her!

WiddlinDiddlin · 16/06/2024 03:45

I don't know what is so hard about having your phone share location with the person you're visiting so they can see roughly where you are, without having to bother you.

This is what I do/my friends do, saves a lot of stress!

paasll · 16/06/2024 00:27

Tell her that you need to know when she’s arriving, but since you don’t want to keep bothering her, could she please do an 8 hour WhatsApp location share at the start of the day she’s visiting. If she says no, I’d cancel the visit. She sounds very selfish to mess you about.

Original poster
ZingyCyanDog · 16/06/2024 00:10

MixedCouple2 · 15/06/2024 21:34

OMG this happens to me. Lots of family members. They ask when i leave where I am and expected arrival. But when they visit they dont. Even when asked. Even when I text the passengers. They arrive really early or very late with no notice. Peeeeeeees me off so much!!!!

My mum is nose against the window for my arrival but Laissez-faire about her own arrival...

I guess it can be seen as a power play, but gaining what?

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MixedCouple2 · 15/06/2024 21:34

OMG this happens to me. Lots of family members. They ask when i leave where I am and expected arrival. But when they visit they dont. Even when asked. Even when I text the passengers. They arrive really early or very late with no notice. Peeeeeeees me off so much!!!!

Original poster
ZingyCyanDog · 15/06/2024 21:28

LionAndEmperor13 · 15/06/2024 17:04

My inlaws used to do this. First time it really really annoyed me was when I'd just had my first baby, he was tiny, I was exhausted, and we were expected to stand to attention all day on a Sunday waiting for them - with no indication of what time, or if I need to to cook Sunday lunch for them or not, etc. Thankfully we don't speak to them any more (not for that reason, but for many others!!)
At the time I did try to wrangle a time out of the MIL but she was so prickly, DH basically said it would cause a huge argument if I pressed the issue any further.
Some people are just dicks.

That's really bad behaviour when you've had a newborn.

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Original poster
ZingyCyanDog · 15/06/2024 17:06

LionAndEmperor13 · 15/06/2024 17:04

My inlaws used to do this. First time it really really annoyed me was when I'd just had my first baby, he was tiny, I was exhausted, and we were expected to stand to attention all day on a Sunday waiting for them - with no indication of what time, or if I need to to cook Sunday lunch for them or not, etc. Thankfully we don't speak to them any more (not for that reason, but for many others!!)
At the time I did try to wrangle a time out of the MIL but she was so prickly, DH basically said it would cause a huge argument if I pressed the issue any further.
Some people are just dicks.

Yeah sounds like me..... This is just one of many issues with them.

OP posts:
LionAndEmperor13 · 15/06/2024 17:04

My inlaws used to do this. First time it really really annoyed me was when I'd just had my first baby, he was tiny, I was exhausted, and we were expected to stand to attention all day on a Sunday waiting for them - with no indication of what time, or if I need to to cook Sunday lunch for them or not, etc. Thankfully we don't speak to them any more (not for that reason, but for many others!!)
At the time I did try to wrangle a time out of the MIL but she was so prickly, DH basically said it would cause a huge argument if I pressed the issue any further.
Some people are just dicks.

Original poster
ZingyCyanDog · 15/06/2024 16:39

theowlwhisperer · 15/06/2024 16:26

Very annoying, but if she has a key, there's not much you can do.

It wouldn't kill her to AT LEAST tell you when she's leaving the house, it would give you some indication.

Aside from putting a tracker on her phone or her car, you are stuck. She is rude and borderline spiteful. It's just weird not to answer you when you are asking?

Yep. Can't change people I guess

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ItsVeryHyacinthBucket · 15/06/2024 16:30

My DM does this too. For her it’s done for a few reasons, mainly as a power trip. Also because she can’t see herself as beholden to modern technology like google maps, mobile phones or (god forbid) trackers.

Itiswhysofew · 15/06/2024 16:28

Track her mobile? Is that possible?Grin

theowlwhisperer · 15/06/2024 16:26

Very annoying, but if she has a key, there's not much you can do.

It wouldn't kill her to AT LEAST tell you when she's leaving the house, it would give you some indication.

Aside from putting a tracker on her phone or her car, you are stuck. She is rude and borderline spiteful. It's just weird not to answer you when you are asking?

Original poster
ZingyCyanDog · 15/06/2024 16:26

Octavia64 · 15/06/2024 16:23

I mean I hear you but if it's a long journey they roads or the train can be very unpredictable...

I live about 120 miles from my mum. On a good day it's a four hour drive. On a bad day.... well, they closed the motorway and the diversion routes were rural roads and I was about 4 hours added on.

I have tried trains but they keep cancelling the damn things....

So she just leaves and turns up whenever? Eg could leave at 9am or 5pm?

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Original poster
ZingyCyanDog · 15/06/2024 16:26

......I think they can say when theyve left their house so I know they are on their way. I don't need a exact time or will be annoyed if they take longer than expected it, but not giving any indication is annoying.

I know they are old and traffic etc... it's just I know if I'm going somewhere and don't have a pre set time I will tell that person - or if I'm delayed I tell them. Just manners

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PardonMee · 15/06/2024 16:23

Mine refused to give an ETA too and in the end I used to carry on with my normal day and direct them to call me on their arrival.

Octavia64 · 15/06/2024 16:23

I mean I hear you but if it's a long journey they roads or the train can be very unpredictable...

I live about 120 miles from my mum. On a good day it's a four hour drive. On a bad day.... well, they closed the motorway and the diversion routes were rural roads and I was about 4 hours added on.

I have tried trains but they keep cancelling the damn things....

Original poster
ZingyCyanDog · 15/06/2024 16:21

fancysleep · 15/06/2024 15:31

Why don't you ask what time she's setting off/ arriving when you arrange the visit.?

Oh mate I did. Asked her the night before (yesterday) she didn't know. No worries she has a key. It's just I would expect not to be chasing her for a time today, when she's already left and being weird about not giving a time....

Back story - I've been asking her for weeks as well to come. Never gets back to me. Nothing to do with m. She will message my siblings the hour she's leaving the city we all live in to come over for a cup of tea (which I force her to do). She doesn't hate us, she's not autistic, just weird

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PrueRamsay · 15/06/2024 16:18

It sounds like she is doing this deliberately to wind you up.

The only solution is to drop the rope. Just tell yourself she might turn up at any time, and go about your day regardless.

Once she realises you really aren't getting upset, she will find another way to piss you off...