Where do people with anger management issues come from?

@illlustratedmum sorry it wasn't a very detailed reply. I still think therapy would be the best way to go. I did do it on my own, but it took years of unhealthy coping mechanism first, and then even more years to be in a good place and in control. It still rears its head now and then but it doesn't boil over anymore. It's incredibly difficult though, and you'd have an easier and more likely to succeed journey with the help of a trained professional that can give you tools and alternative healthy coping mechanisms, while at the same time tackling the root issues.

Trauma.
Attachment.

The thing is my sibling knows there's medication for his anger issues. He just bloody doesn't take it. So the rest of us have to suffer. I'm so close to going no contact.

Ha Ha! @LadyMuckRake. I feel you. It is a really powerful dismissal tactic to say someone is an angry person to discount everything they say. Its often interesting to point you that you are not angry with anyone else but them - ime, this throws them!

After years and years of emotional abuse and manipulation at the hands of others, people can just explode! Then they are the ' nutjobs' the ' angry one '. When in reality, they aren't. They are the victims of narcissistic bullies very often.

@Atethehalloweenchocs yeh, I have partly bought in to my family's narrative that MUCK RAKE IS ANGRY
I am. I agree. But with them. Not generally.

@Atethehalloweenchocs my brother is like this. It makes me physically sick. It now triggers my own rage at having to deal with it all my life. No contact has helped alot for me. Being around these people and victims of them can trigger rage. But for us we aren't walking around simmering at everything in sight 😐

This is so true. I guess I should be less angry with my mother. ''All she did'' was a bit of DARVO, smear campaign, cold shoulder, She fails to understand that relationships are reciprocal so she feels wronged by me! She refused to receive feedback that was merely a request that she stop labelling me. She leapt up on the cross, the victim of me smeared me to all and sundry. Gives me the silent treatment now.

But I think I've just realised, while I'm typing this that that hurt me so much, that remaining angry with her prevents us from having any more interactions that would just hurt me MORE.

There is a big difference between anger that is a justifiable response to something happening to you in the moment - someone treating you unfairly, like the example you gave - and the kind of all purpose, generalized anger you see from some people who are constantly simmering over and ready to explode.

@ArseholeCatIsABlackAndWhiteCat thank you, I will start doing that.

@Atethehalloweenchocs and plenty others are people pleasers or doormats, addicts of some form or another , emotionally and mentally scarred and broken (PTSD,long term depression,anxiety etc) or worse dead.

Neither is a good place to be or a good coping mechanism, but you wouldn't sneer at them would you?

I have anger issues with my mother. Not generally. I'm not an angry person, but I'm angry with her. Not sure if this counts because I'm not confused about why I'm angry or angry with the wrong person for the wrong reason. I'm just angry that she won't listen to me, and then gives me the silent treatment, then denies it, and then blames me for the damage that's done to our 'relationship'
Because she's never listened to me, I put up with it til I saw the pattern and only after I saw the pattern did I get angry. I used to just feel kind of sick and confused so for me the anger is an improvement. Feels less debilitating to be angry than to be confused. But yeh, to sum up, it's my childhood. My friends wouldn't describe me as angry though, neither would my daughter (age 21) and my x boyfriend definitely wouldn't describe me as angry

childhood trauma

Are therapy or counselling an option for you? That would be your best bet.

If not, try and start by recognising your triggers and also the build up to the blow out. Recognise how your whole body feels (heart rate,temperature, tense muscles, restless leg/foot etc) and how your brain feels. When you know it's coming try and use distraction, remove yourself from the situation, calming exercises etc.

How do you know I did not? You know nothing about my history. Plenty of abused and neglected people do not walk around with anger management issues. But by all means make excuses.

I have anger issues and have been desperately trying to work out why and how to get better. When very frustrated my dad used to hit himself in the head and I've recently started doing the same, so I guess it is in my genes and also learnt behaviour. I just don't want my sons to inherit it, and it really troubles me that they likely will unless I can change.

My DH has some problems with anger. Although he turns it in on himself rather than out at other people. When he feels angry (often reasonable anger, sometimes frustration) he feels like he is losing control, and his impulse to regain control is to hurt himself, either biting himself or hitting himself in the face. He’s working on it with specialists to try and develop more healthy coping mechanisms.

I think the issues come from several places:

1. undiagnosed ADHD and ASD (which should have been picked up by his parents in childhood, but that’s another story)
2. parents who don’t have healthy coping mechanisms for their anger nor good emotional regulation and who didn’t help with the development of either. FiL regularly loses his temper and has long shouty rages at whoever is around. He throws things and slams doors and requires everyone to tiptoe around him. MiL is a heavy drinker and passive aggressive.
3. his feelings and opinions were never valued by his parents and he was told off if he didn’t acquiesce to his younger sibling’s every want / need / desire immediately. They have perhaps more apparent difficulties and much family time / attention / focus was on supporting them and making sure they didn’t have any negative emotions or experiences (this has unsurprisingly not been very good for them either). As a child he used to hide in his bedroom and bite himself until he bled because he felt so frustrated and angry. His parents never noticed (or at least never did anything if they did).
4. related to MiL’s heavy drinking, she almost certainly kept drinking heavily during her pregnancy against medical advice I’m sure (it was the mid 90s). She has said so much before.

My dad had a lot of difficulty with anger and it was due to never being allowed to show and therefore process any negative emotions. It was like a grown man having a tantrum. He was a lovely man in other ways, but as I grew up it made me lose respect for him.

Thinking of people I am related to/am friendly with who have anger issues, these are some of the reasons; poverty, previous SA, growing up in very dysfunctional home, growing up with mummy telling him he was perfect but the world not agreeing and now he has a massive chip on his shoulder, acquired brain injury and last but certainly not least, alcohol problems.

My son struggles with anger. It's part of a flight fight response for him.so it's a fear motivated emotion.

ADHD, childhood trauma, insecurity (leads back to trauma), a feeling the world has wronged you.

Not seeing emotions handled well or spoken about at home.

Or it's because you've been abused and neglected and you're bottling up all the pain and shame and yeah, even the injustice of it all, because you're just a fucking kid and the people in "charge" have failed miserably at keeping you safe. Never mind the fact that you know you're now responsible for keeping yourself safe, because when you didn't, it was all your fault .

You should try it some time it's so much fun!🙄

Entitlement. Anger is always based on a feeling your rights have been violated and you have been victimized in some way. There are a lot of people walking around thinking their rights trump everyone elses and staying in permanent victim mode - it absolves you of all responsibility. Some people have it as a fear response, but in my opinion, it is mostly a sense of superiority.

I have an absolutely vile raging angry sibling. Narcissist is a very accurate description as every awful unpleasant trait is in there. I also am now no contact. 🙏.

I too have struggled in the past with feelings of anger. Engaging with the above for example triggers anger beyond comprehension. The above person is a bully and I had a lifetime of it. My anger is nothing like the above though. I don't bully people and I don't blame people for my shortcomings. I am not a narcissist. We both experienced a fair amount of trauma growing up.

I have a child who struggles at times with emotional regulation and as a toddler the rage was severe. Was that me? They are also NDivergent with a PDA profile. Inherited from dad's side.

@SmileyHappyPeopleInTheSun there's no amount of fish oil that can cure insistent stupidity.

I do actually wonder why we are not more angry. There's been a whole succession of people being noisy in the quiet carriage and I suppose I'm frustrated but haven't lifted a safety valve to alter the situation. I do think we're pretty anger light not to be correcting every act of wrong.