Where do people with anger management issues come from?

Mostly upbringing sadly - people are brought up in homes with shouting, aggression as management, adults taking out their frustrations by swearing, hitting or threatening.

Anger management is sometimes useful in helping people to manage better interactions with others but in a lot of cases, it’s often a fig leaf for an actual abusive personality who has no intention of stopping being abusive and enjoys upsetting others.

The difference is that most people do not enjoy being angry or upsetting others and want to change or manage it. Abusive people say “no. I don’t have to do anything. You deserve to get my anger”.

My ex husband used to say “I lose my temper then two minutes later I’ve forgotten’
He may have done but the victim won’t have forgotten.

Clearly, there are many possible causes of anger management issues - as many posts here have illustrated.

I've recently developed problems of this sort following diagnosis of an incurable bone marrow disorder, which comes with a projected mean survival period of around 3 to 4 years (for context, I was a fit 59 year old on diagnosis, a year ago) - though there's a lot of variability, some people last a decade, some people are gone in months. Whilst I don't consciously feel anger at my situation (there are many people who are diagnosed and die with this, and other cancers, at a far younger age - if anything I feel privileged to have lived at all) I can't help think my subconscious must be contributing to my developing anger issues.

Be kind to people as much as you can, you don't know what sort of things they're dealing with under the surface.

More seriously, I have a short fuse. And I've wondered the same and wanted to change it. I don't think I've got ADHD (I've done tests). I do think anger was normalised growing up, I know I experienced trauma as a child and as an adult and I think for me anger is born out of fear, uncertainty, low self esteem or anxiety. If I'm given time to write something or reflect and pause, it passes. I think the best thing you can give your child is security and I didn't have that. If you are worried get therapy.

DH’s anger issues came from his family. His dad was incredibly physically abusive to them all and his mum was and still is a perfectionists. If things don’t happen exactly how she wants them to, then it’s ‘wrong’. And if something’s wrong then it’s perceived to be the end of the world. She definitely has autistic traits same as DN but nobody wants a diagnosis

DH is working on things but only because I don’t stand for it and will get up into his face if he loses his temper. So he’ll now walk off. It’s awful though being married to someone who loses it so easily.

My Ex had anger management counselling.

IMHO its a mixture of a poor upbringing, losing his dad suddenly at 12 and being forced to move, and what is clear ASD.

He also learned from his older brothers that shouting and being a bully got you more than being kind, so that's how he behaved.

Some of his anger was learned, some of it was meltdown/inability to regulate his emotions.

I never used to be angry. Now I am. I've turned into Victor Meldrew. I've got a superiority complex aswell.

I do accounts for a living and I'm naturally organised, make loads of lists, very rarely forget anything, very rarely make a mistake, so my job is is quite easy and comes naturally to me.

I'm basically quite confident and quite good at my job and if I do make a mistake, which is very rare, I have no problem saying sorry about that. My mistake. I'll get it sorted asap. Easy.

My frustrations stem from other people who seem incapable of doing their job properly to any reasonable level.

Eg, hospitals. Or any area of my medical history. In all my medical areas at the hospital they lose my notes. They lose my referral. They claim the referrals were not sent, digitally, which I can easy disprove.

people claim that certain things were said that can't have been said. when I eventually investigate and get evidence, they don't like it! they refuse to back down and it's just an absolute shambles.

and I'm thinking , how do these people get away with this? You know I would be sacked if I made this many mistakes in my job.

and I find everybody else's incompetence extremely infuriating.

Is that anger? How am I supposed to get over it?

Childhood. Someone I knew was slapped about if things weren't done his dad's way within seconds. Everything had to be perfect. There'd be sheer panic if something went wrong or broke in the house.

This person was riddled with anxiety and angst throughout his life but overcame a stutter.

There is no single answer. It could be brain damage, neurochemical, learned, a response to stress, a deliberate tactic, cultural, dissatisfaction with their lives.

What I will say is that people are more likely to indulge their anger if they can do so without negative consequences to themselves, and more likely to manage it somewhat if it will cost them.

😂😂

Tbh the same applies for a family member or friend. Distance yourself.

If you're talking about a partner, unless they are willing to share, be upfront and get all the help they can to improve the situation then just walk away. You aren't anyone's emotional punching bag. Neither are your kids/future kids. You haven't caused any of the possible previous trauma so you shouldn't have to deal with the consequences of it or take responsibility for it.

I've thought of another one - I don't walk around raging but my emotional regulation is definitely impacted significantly by my severe chronic health conditions. I really can find the pain and stress so awful that I am intolerant. I could be triggered to anger much more than another.
Despite that,I feel I'm generally more controlled and less enraged than many of the posters I see on MN 🤷‍♀️😆. And I'm in non stop unrelenting pain. It's all quite complex.

When I think of the simmering, raging douche bags I've known in my life, football is top of their triggers list

Once when England lost at football people came streaming out of various pubs on George Street and attacked a passing tram. 🫠

Trauma and brain damage. Trauma does actually cause damage to some of the centres in the brain.

Depression can present as being angry and irritable. Not all depressives present as quiet and withdrawn, which is the common belief.

Neurodiversity can involve angry meltdowns caused by stress and frustration with difficulties being able to communicate in the moment.

I don’t really understand what you are asking.
Everyone has experiences with angry people, everyone gets angry sometimes. It’s not a pathology. It can be a symptom of it but not in and of itself.
Sometimes people who struggle to manage anger, struggle to regulate emotions generally for different reasons.
Not all people who struggle to manage feelings of anger are aggressive and not all aggression is necessary connected to anger.
What do you mean by “intervention”?

Oh yes! Of course.

I've been enraged more than ever with each cycle and impending menopause.

Meant to add behaviour and emotions

Hormones. I'm surprised no one has mentioned them. I actually think hormones are still little understood, and yet I'm sure they are accountable for a lot more of human behaviour than we give them credit for.

Generational trauma or trauma

Yes @Pantaloons99 , I have 2 siblings who have reacted to all the shit when we were growing up by deciding that anything that is not exactly as they want is a good reason to explode with anger, and who take zero responsibility for managing themselves. It is exhausting, highly detrimental to everyones MH, and puts them in permanent victim mode so they can claim preferential treatment at all times to 'make up' for it. How that works when they are claiming preferential treatment to a sibling who also experienced horrific events, I have never been able to get my head around. If you ever push back, you get a litany of why it was worse for them - even though I was far younger and more vulnerable and at some point they all fucked off to save themselves and left me alone with it. I am not someone who is supportive of family estrangements in general, but sometimes it is the only sane solution before they take you down with them.

I have ASD and believe my anger own stems from frustration, often due entirely to mis-communication and mis-understandings but otherwise due to a lifetime of being put down by incompetent and narcissistic bullying men (at work and at home). I admit I have become somewhat arrogant in my old age and cannot tolerate the idiots I encounter in day-to-day life any more!

My DS has similar issues unfortunately so we often end up getting angry with each other - always as a result of mis-communication or because one or other of us has mis-understood something! Outside the family, my anger is much better controlled and my DS has got much better at managing his, and he has learned to stay away from his triggers such as excessive alcohol.

Started from childhood trauma. Now it's just pure selfishness