Where do people with anger management issues come from?

Anger is often born from fear, resentment, frustration or uncertainty.

I think anger is usual a symptom of something else - see this pie chart.

https://www.deviantart.com/sidilinus/art/Causes-of-Anger-Pie-898159389

Ksqordssvimy · Today 20:21
I don't know, I doubt anyone does.

I agree with this.

At least in part from bad parents who think their little darlings can do whatever they want.

It's the level of negative emotions. Most people feel jealousy, envy, hold a grudge etc at some point or another over something or other. Just like most people get angry and rightly so.

Irrational or excessive levels of any negative emotions are not the norm. They are incredibly toxic and harmful to the person feeling them too (not only to the people that are the object of those feelings) so most people would do their best to avoid feeling like that, or have acquired tools throughout their lives to deal with it so it's just the odd blip on the horizon.

When they can't, or cling to those feelings, then yes, more likely than bot it has a pathological cause.

I don't know, I doubt anyone does, but I imagine a huge amount is impacted by early childhood experiences. Emotional regulation, self esteem (positive and negative) etc. It's the old debate: nature vs nurture. I imagine there are lots of in-depth readings on what shapes a personality, how much is genetic, how much is environmental etc. Interesting.

I don't think you understand it.
No I probably don’t understand it - I was just offering an opinion.
Does that mean all negative emotions - resentment, grudge bearing etc are caused by upbringing?

I don't think you understand it @Southwestten - and I don't mean that horribly. Some people have personality traits, and there will be a window of tolerance, of course, but growing up where anger was normalised or you experienced trauma is different to just being lazy. Anger is often born from fear, resentment, frustration or uncertainty. Trauma or ongoing stress will impact that. I'm sure some people are, but I don't think the majority of people are born angry. And like I said, anger isn't the primary emotion for me at least.

Not comparable.

Fleetwood.

With good reason.

Barefootsally · 15/06/2024 20:39
Generational trauma or trauma

Does every characteristic have to be caused by childhood experiences? Aren’t some people just born with these characteristics?
I am naturally lazy. I work because the bills have to be paid and I do housework because it has to be done.
However if I was rich and didn’t have to work and had someone to do housework for me I could very easily sit around all day reading, interspersed with trips to beautiful places abroad.
However I don’t think I’m lazy because of my upbringing or anything that happened to me.

If you find out how to do that let me know!! I was saying to a colleague that the cortisol that floods me when irked with work is equivalent to that experienced by a cavewoman running away from a lion. That’s not healthy!

Depends what you mean by 'anger management issues'.

Anger in a justified situation is perfectly normal. Seems today in modern society the slightest hint of a raised voice or normal anger has everyone screaming that the person needs anger management. #BeKind and all that crap. Sometimes that's just inappropriate.

Anger is also healthy - get out your feelings rather than bottling them up and in the right kind of situation (child misbehaving badly for example) it is no bad thing for the person causing the anger to be aware that they have caused anger and upset.

Extreme prolonged anger about everything is a different issue though - I think overcrowding generally is a big issue (too many people on this small island) people encroaching your space has been shown to make people more angry and you get this everywhere - overcrowded hospitals, bars, waiting rooms, traffic jams.
Social media is also normalising a lot of weird behaviour as well.

My ex was a rager. Just anger and red mist from head to toe.

His mother abused then abandoned him and both of his parents were alcoholics. So to me, Philip Larkin’s This Be The Verse became a mantra throughout my marriage (which died fortunately. It needed to!).

I had a parent who didn't recognsie her own anger because she expresses it passively through silent treatments and cold shoulders. She believes that my hurt reaction to that is anger. So once I SAW that, I became triggered by her belief that she wasn't angry and that I was !! so @Thepeopleversuswork I am newly reactive. I used to swallow the injustice back down because I didn't even understand that this was something I needed to protect myself from but lately I've been unable to do that. I went to a therapis and asked her to make me less reactive but she told me to be more self-compassionate to myself wrt my reactivity. I am still struggling with it. Every time I see either of my parents I feel so much rage it's impossible to 'sit' on it like I did for fifty years. That's what they want back though, that version of me that never had any reaction to anything. I hope I'll be able to contain my feelings better, in time before they die. Really hard though. It's so basic, like totally amygdala.

There's a whole mixture of reasons and yeah you can try and understand it or try and pathologise it in some way but some people are just arseholes. They're self entitled, self important and anger has previously worked so they exploit it further.

Often if you have an angry parent you will copy it because you think it’s normal.

My dad had a hair trigger temper and struggled to moderate frustration. He wasn’t abusive and it wasn’t trauma I just grew up thinking that was how people behave.

That is true @TorroFerney. You are right. My frustration changes nothing. I will try and remind myself of that in the future.

I have someone in my life who has a very short fuse and hence trying to understand more.

You really don't have to "understand" you are allowed boundaries - to walk way for short or much longer term.

It's harder if it's your child - but even there you are not someone's emotional punching bag and are allowed to try for boundaries.

In many cases I think children adopt the other behaviour, anger and abuse to cope with these environments.

yes I’m sure that’s right. However my father’s anger was largely due to alcoholism and I think that is inherited.
Although my father was angry us children were not permitted to show negative emotions - all part of the walking on eggshells.
I think it’s bad to constantly repress anger but nonetheless it taught me to control my temper.

Someone at work told me that we get angry when people contravene our „lights“ ie you ought to be organised, work hard be competent etc because that’s what I do and what I value. It’s also sometimes anger that we are anxious perfectionists and they are just not and they are getting away with it!!

it’s hard but you being angry is not changing anything other than spiking your cortisol so deep breaths etc. I’m reading a book on stoicism to see if that helps. Also remember the nobody dies everyone goes home mantra when you are ready to kill Brian from accounts for fucking up that spreadsheet yet again.

the feeling superior thing I can’t get my head round sorry as I don’t suffer from that but your value doesn’t come from being organised at work that doesn’t make you better , I did read a book that said rather than seeing it as a ladder where you are higher see it as a vertical line. Everyone has value.

That was my biggest wake up call and when I seriously started working at it.Hearing my mother coming out of my mouth. I was better already but still allowed myself to blow every now and then. Like a purge in a way. However, I didn't want DD to ever feel like I did again.

I’m really pleased to hear that. In many cases I think children adopt the other behaviour, anger and abuse to cope with these environments. Generational trauma is a massive problem; you need a lot of self awareness as you describe to not do the same patterning

We do tend to see anger as negative but it depends on the trigger, if someone tries to rob you your anger is natural and healthy, it's constant simmering anger that damages. Why is mixed, trauma, bad parents, even entitlement can make people hard to live with but they should get therapy to help them and not pass it on to the next generation. It's a reason, not an excuse Op, you don't have to tolerate it.
@immalesorry that's a bloody hard thing to live with, I hope you find some peace

bombastix · Today 12:14
Mostly upbringing sadly - people are brought up in homes with shouting, aggression as management, adults taking out their frustrations by swearing, hitting or threatening.

My father was an angry alcoholic and it had the opposite effect on my siblings and me - we were all determined that our children wouldn’t experience that sort of anger.