Page 6 | Recurring argument

Honeymonster2 · 2024-06-14T23:58:00+00:00

Im separated from my partner but were still working through our issues. He's an alcoholic that can't give it up yet, although he says he's trying his best and wants to. He says I can't blame all of our problems on his drinking. He tells me he's really lonely and never feels heard. Now, to our current issue, I spent a large sum of money for myself (£2,500) 2 years ago and I feel like he brings it up a lot. We both put money towards it. He wants to save around £5,000 for something he's wanted for years, he talks about it almost every day and mentions it in every argument, how I don't help him save the way I do for the things I want for myself or for the children. We've been on a big holiday and moved house which cost a lot to renovate In the last few years. All of which I researched, booked and organised paying for, he gives a lot financially towards these things. All the while saying he's still not got what he wants. My argument is that if he wants something he should organise the saving, tell me what's going in and when the goal will be, like I do with my projects, I also say he could have been saving along side everything all along and the money he spent on vodka could of very much helped (got to be around £100 a week on a tough week spent on drink). He says I don't care about him. I say he doesn't need me to hold his hand to get what he wants and if I saw any effort going in I would feel a lot happier helping financially as well. He also says that if it's something the children want or need it would be done. Like birthdays, they each get nice presents because i strive to make them feel seen and special and I make an effort with decorations and cakes, which he has always hated. He says I should put as much effort in to him and getting him the thing he wants to buy. He's saved nothing so far. I know I sound quite cold, but its been years of him saying I'm not giving him as much as everyone else, while I feel like he's not doing much to help himself so why should I? I don't know, I sound nasty reading it all back!

MistyGreenAndBlue · 15/06/2024 01:31

Honeymonster2 · 15/06/2024 01:21

Thank you for your post, he has a savings pot with a bank with around £700 in it that his mum is in charge of that family have put birthday and Xmas money in to towards it... I don't THINK it's been taken from or added to, but obviously I'm not in charge of that one.

I think it's all been made worse as he feels like I don't help him but I'm currently spending a large sum of money clearing the rubbish left by previous tenants and getting fresh grass laid for our children to play outside (we've been here since last summer and only now doing it and the children have never been allowed out there as it was dangerous) he says why can you find the money for that and not to help me, my answer? Because I promised the children months ago and they deserve to play outside. But he sees it as he's bottom of the list again and I should put as much money and effort in to his wants as I do the house and kids.

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And where do you come on HIS list of priorities?

Sounds like what he actually wants is for you to just give him the money he needs for whatever it is.

You're not his mummy fgs. He's purportedly an adult. He can save up his own pennies if he wants a treat.
Bloody Hell! 🙄

Original poster

Honeymonster2 · 15/06/2024 01:23

GoneFishingToday · 15/06/2024 01:14

I'm afraid I don't have any patience with people who won't do anything to help themselves either OP.

However, could you suggest that he sets up something like a 'Regular Saver' account. For example I do one with First Direct bank, you choose how much you want to save each month and once it's set up, the money is automatically taken from your bank account and put into the saving account. At the end of a year, the interest is then added on, and the money transferred to a normal savings account. He just needs to make up his mind how much he wants to save, and set up an account, it's really not that difficult, as I'm sure you're aware, and if he's not prepared to even put in that small amount of effort, I'm afraid I'd be telling him that I don't want to hear about it, if he's not prepared to sort himself out, after all, he's a grown man, not a child.

With regard to the drink, in what way is he 'trying his best' to give it up? Does he go to AA,, or does he expect you to do that for him as well? Quite honestly, from what you've said, I'd stay separate, and let him wallow in his self induced misery, but that's just me.

Oh and also, no AA, he doesn't like the group situation. He's attempting cold turkey and not doing well by the looks of it. It's tricky as I can't handle him in the house any more, but it's a different kind of tough that now I can't monitor him and what he's drinking anymore. I sound awful!

OP posts:

Original poster

Honeymonster2 · 15/06/2024 01:21

GoneFishingToday · 15/06/2024 01:14

I'm afraid I don't have any patience with people who won't do anything to help themselves either OP.

However, could you suggest that he sets up something like a 'Regular Saver' account. For example I do one with First Direct bank, you choose how much you want to save each month and once it's set up, the money is automatically taken from your bank account and put into the saving account. At the end of a year, the interest is then added on, and the money transferred to a normal savings account. He just needs to make up his mind how much he wants to save, and set up an account, it's really not that difficult, as I'm sure you're aware, and if he's not prepared to even put in that small amount of effort, I'm afraid I'd be telling him that I don't want to hear about it, if he's not prepared to sort himself out, after all, he's a grown man, not a child.

With regard to the drink, in what way is he 'trying his best' to give it up? Does he go to AA,, or does he expect you to do that for him as well? Quite honestly, from what you've said, I'd stay separate, and let him wallow in his self induced misery, but that's just me.

Thank you for your post, he has a savings pot with a bank with around £700 in it that his mum is in charge of that family have put birthday and Xmas money in to towards it... I don't THINK it's been taken from or added to, but obviously I'm not in charge of that one.

I think it's all been made worse as he feels like I don't help him but I'm currently spending a large sum of money clearing the rubbish left by previous tenants and getting fresh grass laid for our children to play outside (we've been here since last summer and only now doing it and the children have never been allowed out there as it was dangerous) he says why can you find the money for that and not to help me, my answer? Because I promised the children months ago and they deserve to play outside. But he sees it as he's bottom of the list again and I should put as much money and effort in to his wants as I do the house and kids.

OP posts:

GoneFishingToday · 15/06/2024 01:14

I'm afraid I don't have any patience with people who won't do anything to help themselves either OP.

However, could you suggest that he sets up something like a 'Regular Saver' account. For example I do one with First Direct bank, you choose how much you want to save each month and once it's set up, the money is automatically taken from your bank account and put into the saving account. At the end of a year, the interest is then added on, and the money transferred to a normal savings account. He just needs to make up his mind how much he wants to save, and set up an account, it's really not that difficult, as I'm sure you're aware, and if he's not prepared to even put in that small amount of effort, I'm afraid I'd be telling him that I don't want to hear about it, if he's not prepared to sort himself out, after all, he's a grown man, not a child.

With regard to the drink, in what way is he 'trying his best' to give it up? Does he go to AA,, or does he expect you to do that for him as well? Quite honestly, from what you've said, I'd stay separate, and let him wallow in his self induced misery, but that's just me.