Recurring argument

Oh come on, he's an alcoholic and won't get help; he pisses money up the wall on booze; he did drugs in the living room; he messaged a prostitute for sex; he whinges and whines because you apparently aren't making buying him a car a priority.
He could save for the fucking car if he wanted to but I wouldn't be helping him with that. He'll need to pay the running costs of the car as well and when's he going to drive it if he's drinking all the time.

I hope you see sense and make this separation permanent.

His number 1 priority is alcohol not you, not your kids, not saving money for a car that he will probably write off driving drunk.
Have you spoken to Al Anon? They are not AA they are to give you support.

He is an alcoholic and his great plan of going cold turkey isn't going to happen, he doesn't want to stop drinking, it's all bullshit and excuses. AA do online meetings if he doesn't want to sit in a group setting in a church hall.
What has he actually done to address his alcoholism?

Asl him if he wants to to wipe his bum every time he goes to the toilet because you do that for your kids too?

Or ifhe needs you to chop up his meals into little pieces because you do that for the kids?

Or if he wants to never have sex with you again because you don't do that with your kids either.

You don't sound awful to me at all. You sound if anything a bit like someone who should have put her foot down ages ago. Alcoholism aside, because I have full sympathy for how hard it is, he sounds like a twat who doesn't want to contribute to the practicalities of family life.

Well, now that all the details, or seemingly the most important ones have come out OP, like everyone else I think that it's time to completely end this relationship. How often does he actually see the kids, and play with them, or does he use them as an excuse to weedle his way into the house from time to time? I can't believe that you would even consider telling him not to bother contributing towards your children's upkeep. I don't think you're selfish in any way, you've just been bamboozled into believing the words of an alcoholic.

I would speak to him today, tell him that you've been to seek advice, don't tell him from where, and that you've now realised that the relationship is wrong for you on so many levels, that it's time to draw a line under it, and end the misery for both of you. Tell him you won't be seeing him or taking his calls, texts, etc. in future, and that if he wants to see the children it will need to be organised through the courts, with them having full knowledge of his alcoholism.

I know how hard it is to end a relationship OP, but for your own sake and more importantly for your children's, you MUST end this NOW! Otherwise you will stay in this continuous loop, and will find yourself coming back to MN in 2 or 3 years time, if not sooner, asking for advice again, only by that time you'll have been even more beaten down, and you kids will be one step nearer to understanding that their father is an alcoholic. Posters like me will read it, and say 'aren't you the one who asked for advice about this 2/3 years ago?' and you will feel even more of a fool. You've done the hardest part already really, by kicking him out of the family home, now you just have to say THE END! You CAN do this OP, and I'm sure that everyone who has read your post will be rooting for you. Go on, make a new and better life for you and your kids, YOU and THEY deserve it!

Well obviously you are totally right to prioritise your children and giving them a safe place to play, rather than helping the alcoholic you're (wisely) separated from to buy a car which he may not be safe to drive and, by helping fund that, freeing up more of his money to spend on vodka! You can't 'help him with his drinking'. Only he can do that, and he's not going to do it unless he's hit rock bottom and realises he has no choice. And that won't happen if you're there propping him up.

You are not his number one priority, he is. He’s doing virtually nothing to solve his own problems, and is complaining about you prioritising the children, which you should. You need a partner, which he is not, not another dependent. He already has a mother

He’s really done a number on you that you actually think you might be being unreasonable.
He’s an alcoholic.
He does drugs in your house, while your children are there.
He messages prostitutes.
He begrudges you spending money on your children having a safe space to play.
He’d rather you spend money on him than on activities to enhance your children’s lives.

And this is all your fault because you don’t prioritise him? I wouldn’t prioritise the pathetic man child either.

It would be more logical to trade your car in for one with enough seats for you all, going anywhere in two cars is a nightmare, not to mention the cost of fuel, tax, insurance and maintenance.

Why couldn't he clear the rubbish and plant a lawn from seed? That would have saved a lot of money that you could have used towards a bigger (or second) car.

But regardless drugs and prostitutes would be the end for me. How is that putting you first? Has he explained what benefit that episode had for you? Or how him drinking himself to death is beneficial to you or the children?

Oh @Honeymonster2

Dont do that!

the very least he can do is pay child maintenance, the very least.

you are a good & clearly can be a good partner, you're not selfish. So what if you put the kids first, that's what good parents do.

sorry, but you must be able to see his claims of putting you first are bullshit. He puts himself first.

he shouldn't be anywhere near a car until he is permanently sober.

him being an alcoholic might not be the only problem, but it's the main one, causing most if not all of the others.

for the children's sake and yours (& possibly even his) you need to make this split 'proper' (not just him staying at his mums for a bit), but the END of the relationship.

he pays CM & you get on with raising the 4 children & giving them stability in a nice home.

stop enabling this petulant, self absorbed man-child to bring you down & make your kids lives less than they could be.

you can't be his saviour (HE needs to do that), but you CAN stop the impact he's having in your children & you!!

You need to stop. He's conditioned you to put his needs well above your own. It's fairly typical in relationships where one person is an addict - you are codependent. You need to accept that this relationship has to end and you have to put some boundaries in place. You're going to ruin your life if you continue to focus on this man.

He's an alcoholic, everything he's unhappy about will always be someone else's fault.

You will never be his priority whilst he's still drinking.

Nothing you do will change his drinking. He has to want to change it for himself.

There is nothing you can discuss in a meaningful way whilst he is in active addiction.

Stop indulging his alcoholic blame game and claim your life back.

Pp was right about you being enmeshed OP, sorry.

You'll only truly prioritise your children when you separate properly.

Alcholics do this. They create these "poor me" situations that make them feel they have the "right" to drink.

He has an illness that only he can decide to get help for.

He'll bring you and your DC down if you don't protect yourself.

That has to be your line.

he says I'm his number 1 priority

But he then doesn't follow through on this at all. Doing drugs in the house. Pah. Bin him off and get cms enforced

I just want to help make him happy

That is your mistake, right there. Give up on this impossibility, though I suspect you wanted to make the man you thought he was happy

It's all about him isn't it.

Why can't you save for him
Why can't you bake a cake for him
Why can you make his hobbies happen
Why why why

Sounds like he's not grown up and become an adult and is still expecting other people or you, to do it all for him. My bet is he's too pissed to think straight and can't get his act together long enough to make a plan and stick to it.

It's not your responsibility to save up for him, he's an adult and perfectly capable (or should be), to do this himself.

Let me ask, what does he do for YOU? Does he make a fuss on your birthday, does he help you achieve your goals, does he make a fuss of the dc on their birthdays without you pushing him?

What I was initially going to write is that he is a manchild who want you to mother him - make his Dr appointment, organise his savings. Why does his mum hold his bank account.

However, from what you have said sonsie he is waaaaaay worse than that. It sounds like he needs medical help and therapy (organised by him).

PS he has made it very clear that his priorities are (1) drink (2) drugs and prostitutes (3) a car. You and the kids seem to be way down the list, so he is kidding himself there.

OP I feel for you so much.

You can’t make him happy, he is an addict. You can’t help him, the thing he wants won’t help him and all you’re going to do is deplete yourself further and further the more you try.

Put yourself and your children first, you have the rest of your life ahead of you.

Sorry on iPhone and can't edit. That should have read "so" not do.

Do you spent £2500 a few years ago. How much has he wasted on that time in drips and drama on alcohol? I'd bet more than what he berates you for.

He's blaming you for his addiction. He's trying to guilt trip you into giving him money BC he spent all of his own on booze. He will get sick if he's drinking that much. Can you explain he will die from liver disease, how selfish he's being to not care if he lives or dies. I think you should tell him he must seek help for the drinking and at least stop drinking vodka. If he refuses to do anything I think you should consider kicking him out, for all your sakes.

This, 100%.

Please don’t waste any more of your life trying to make him happy .
You and your children deserve so much more .

I just want to help make him happy

You can't. You really, really can't. Happiness comes from within and the only outsider who can help with that are professional therapist type people. In his case those who are well versed in alcohol addiction.

You are slowly helping him to kill himself by constantly putting his (false) needs first. You are most definitely helping him become a probable murderer by letting him use your car. Just stop. He is manipulating and emotionally abusing you and your children and you need to start protecting yourself and them. Oh... and make sure he pays the maintenance - that money is for the children's food and electric and a roof over their heads, not for a car. For them. Not you, not him, not the off licence. The children.

Right, that should have been it, OP. He is a complete disgrace.

Get your DC away from him.

While you have 4 young children.

He'disgusting.

Formalise your separation.

Make sure he pays maintenance.

If he is am alcoholic then the drink is his number one priority