To be SO ANGRY with DM at end of exams meal

You could always try taking her at her word....

She doesn't enjoy food, so don't invite her to meals.

She harps on about her funeral so get some brochures from the undertakers and see how happy she is.

Use your imagination. Instead of getting angry - and I truly know how hard that is - turn the tables. If you take her literally then she'll have very little to complain about, even though she'll try.

You did a good thing in taking her in. It just shouldn't be your martyrdom. If she starts on about feeling her age, then get brochures for care homes. That should shut her up. With a bit of luck they'll have a euthanasia program.

MIL is being a cow so needs to be treated appropriately. Good luck!

She wanted to make it all about her so next time you do just that. No, mum, we don’t want to drag you out, you didn’t enjoy the restaurant last time, you have a nice night in with the telly.

If you want to consider historically, most men have not been asked to care for either their mum or their mil, but have expected their wife to. Most men have been able to leave to the pub or dictate the tv, and have not substantially helped with housework so insofar as having their mil stay is a burden, it’s a burden that’s not fallen on them. It’s been quite quite different for women in the reverse, and still is rather different.

Oh my god. Is it possible to go into hiding so you never have to see her again?
I am just, barely, by a smidgin, joking.
But I'm sorry she brought your DC's special occasion down like that OP, so mean.

My Mum also has form for making events about her, complaining, making snide comments about what people are wearing/eating etc. The last thing we invited her to was an event dc2's primary school. They are now near the end of secondary. Have not invited her to a single concert or event related to school/birthdays etc., since. She just can't do it without ruining it for everyone. My oldest DC have so many memories of ruined events.

I wish it could be different but it can't so I've given myself permission to make choices based on my reality, not what I wish the reality was.

Sorry you experience this too!

I think your dh and dc have the right approach!
You can’t change her so you might as well find the humour in it and stop letting her stress you out

I would have suggested to her that the meal would be too tiring for her & left her at home with something nice to eat. It must be frustrating when you can't have a meal out just you, dh & kids sometimes.

My mum had form for this too… with her it was bitterness due to not being in control of every situation ever. (She was the Master of the Universe, you know?”. Aside from that, she was an anorexic chain-smoker who was bitter about not being able to smoke when and where (she smoked over 100 cigs a day at home) and was obsessed with everyone else’s food and weight. She also had a voice like a fog horn. I remember being in line to order while she sat at the table with my kids (then little), hearing “Fraaahnces??? FRAHNCES!!! Did you see the size of that lesbian?” from the other side of the room. Said woman was literally right behind me in the queue. I covered my face in horror and apologized profusely to the (quite appropriately) furious woman, and lied, saying “I’m so sorry. She has dementia. The filter’s gone.” (Which wasn’t true, btw…). The woman immediately softened and gave me a hug saying “I’m going through that journey with my own mum. It’s so hard, isn’t it?” I don’t think I’ve ever felt more guilty in my life. (Meanwhile, explaining to my mum in the car after lunch why I had been hugged by a stranger was gratifying)

”One day she won’t be here any more” is constantly used on MN to guilt trip people into tolerating horrible behaviour by nasty parents. My mother became very nasty, malicious and manipulative as she got older and it was extremely difficult to be in her company. So I didn’t see her much. I loved her but didn’t like her any more. When she died I grieved but I don’t miss her.

My DM is also 85 and can be "trying" at times but I love her and know that I'll be bereft when she's gone. If she says something annoying, I ignore it or tease her about it, depending on the situation. I couldn't not invite her to a family gathering - I'd feel guilty and unkind. She's lonely. It's tough, OP, I know.

Well next time, instead of letting her be an unpleasant old cow and making you cry, you can just not invite her. It doesn’t matter that she lives in the annexe, you don’t have to take her everywhere you go.
”Aren’t I invited?”
”No mum, not after last time when you spoilt our DTs meal out by carping at them, commenting about how much people were eating and talking about death.”

She’s Debbie Downer!

What a really sad and difficult situation, I feel for you. I think there are options instead of the wry humour go full on ballistic in terms of taking the p* at her expense. Shut her down at every attempt to make the conversation about her and her morbid topics. Stop inviting her and if she asks why you have stopped tell her straight.
The sad thing is when the inevitable happens and she isn't around anymore you will miss her. I hope you manage to find some resolution.

Lol, the daughters clearly knew what pitas their mothers were, or they wouldn't have dumped them at the parties.

Or just stop sharing your plans and go out without telling her?

If she complains, remind her she doesn't believe in eating out and she was so sad at the last family celebration she was talking about her own funeral.

Damn, I missed it. If only I'd known!

There was a thread on MN a few months ago where a husband objected to his wife texting her mother multiple times a day( including, before and after sex, though thankfully not during it). The OP cheerfully admitted that as soon as her Dad died, she would move her mother in with them.
There are a lot of women on MN who have their mother as their primary relationship, even though they have a husband and children, and even though their mothers are not nice to them.

I think @OddityOddityOdd means that many many women will impose their mothers on their families, and even ask them to live with them. Whereas the retailing view on Mumsnet is that all MILS are evil. Most men have to put up with their MILS playing a major part in their lives. Few women would tolerate that from their MILS. I can't imagine this scenario, where a family has the Dad's mother accompany them on all outings.

Why are you going on about MILs? The post is about OP’s mother. Who OP has kindly moved into her house. Have you moved your mum or MIL into your house?

If you think MN is weird about mothers, it's even weirder about MILs. How have these awful women raised sons that women love ? The general contempt for MILs is staggering.

OP I have just read our your original post to my DH and he just laughed - sounds exactly like my DM. In fact my older teenage girls don’t really see her anymore and I’ve had to tell her to stop commenting on what why eat!! she’s also turned racist in her old age. It’s wry difficult.

What is do is invite her to some things but not others. For example, for DD15’s 16th birthday we will have a breakfasts at home which she can come to, then we will go out without her later.

My mistake was moving near her when the children were small thinking that would be helpful but she’s always been a nightmare and the small children bit passed so quickly. If only I’d known!

Jilly Cooper got it right in her book about surviving a family Christmas. She complained about the women at drinks parties who wanted her to talk to their unique 'mummies' who were absolute treasures. In reality, she found herself making conversation with an eccentric, dismissive, rude old lady. Other people's elderly mothers, she concluded, were hard work, no matter how their daughters doted on them.

So what? Just because your mother was lovely and her ‘un PC thoughts’ were apparently hilarious, that doesn’t mean the OP’s mother is anything like yours.