To be SO ANGRY with DM at end of exams meal

https://www.verywellmind.com/understanding-the-covert-narcissist-4584587

I think this is a rather wonderful thread, showcasing common sense and total idiocy in equal measure! OP, I'm sorry you had a bit of a dud meal, but I'm sure the kids enjoyed it regardless. Maybe next time you should just let your DH do his wind-up thing...it sounds like it would be entertaining at least.

What sort of nature sounds is she talking about? Is there scope to include elephants trumpeting and those monkeys that hoot loudly at dawn?

You CAN not invite her.
And you can tell her why.

'It's his bday, we just want it upbeat, at the twins end of exam meal you didn't seem happy and kept talking about funerals I don't want a repeat of that we want it to be fun and there's loud music which upsets you too.'

Actually they aren’t funny, because everything always has to be about them, constantly and it’s very draining.

They also enjoy your bad news, if you are seriously ill they can feed on it for weeks. They bring the mood down everywhere to make most events utterly miserable unless you have the music on so loud it drowns out their contribution. They have no capacity to feel love, empathy or anything apart from their needs and themselves.

Everyone else is just there to serve them, keep them entertained and they are never happy, ever. Impossible to please, impossible to live with.

Your kids were at a restaurant with swastikas and the n-word written on them? Seriously?

It is actually hilarious. I wonder how the teens reacted? At their age I would have been holding in a fit of the giggles.

Look up COVERT narcissist and you will understand her better. You will never win. So don’t even waste your breath. I can’t believe she lives next door, you poor thing!! That sounds like hell tbh.

Ugghhh how annoying. It sounds like she ruined it for herself but not for your kids. Tell her to pull herself together or you'll AirBnb the damn annexe.

To be fair the fact she's 85 isn't in the original post. Anyone reading it and only the first few comments from the Op might assume someone 20 years younger. Although plenty of 85 year olds do appear much younger.

The depressing thing about some of the replies is you can already tell who will be the joyless, bitter, elderly people.😉

Just don't take her any more. If she asks why tell her she doesn't enjoy eating out and is always moaning.

Next time, don’t invite her!
Edited to say my MIL has come out with some corkers in the past few years at family meals but we all just eye roll now.
Recently she insulted me and I was pretty upset for a few days as it hit a nerve. DH told her off in no uncertain terms and she did apologise. BIL was sitting next to me and said ‘just ignore her, she does it to everyone’, but when it’s personal it’s not nice.

I don't understand why if there's no cognitive issues why if they're worried about being lonely they don't act and behave better then?

Selfish! She needs telling.

Well, as she thinks DC1 has already had their "combined" birthday meal, don't invite her to their actual birthday meal. If she finds out or discovers that you've all gone out, tell her that she gave the impression she didn't enjoy the last meal with all the negative chat so decided it was best to go without her as she bummed everyone out last time. Tell her you'll stop inviting her out until she cracks a smile. Does she ever have a laugh about anything or is everything she talks about doom, gloom and negativity?

So tomorrow you say, "as you clearly don't enjoy eating out and ruined the whole evening for us by your talk of funerals, we'll be going with just the kids next time to save you the stress. "

She's not too old to understand that her behaviour is not on.

Or- you stuck it up and try to laugh it off, hard though it is.

Maybe you need to do something other than family meals to celebrate.

Do things that she actually can't do like plan a trip to Alton Towers with them or a trip to London.

You can.

reading your op was like reading about my grandmother (only 10 years older than your mother so similar era). We just kind of tune it out, laugh about it later, don’t engage and don’t let her ruin things : we do have to comment when she starts loudly talking about the “fatties”. No she doesn’t have dementia, she’s been loudly pointing out overweight people since the 1980s (and probably earlier but that’s as far as I can remember)

It's really not why old people die in hospitals and nursing homes.

They die in hospitals because they have loving families who hoped they would get better.

Or in care homes because looking after someone for years is exhausting, lots of families don't have a woman (it usually is a woman) who stays at home to look after children and elderly relatives, and elderly people no longer die quickly of pneumonia in the first winter but live on with increasingly complex medical and nursing needs.

Astonished at the callousness of people on this thread. This is your MOTHER. Yes she’s a pain. Yes she’s 85 years old. Yes you’re an angel for living with her and including her on outings. And yes it’s fine to vent online about how much she winds you up. You may roll her eyes and laugh at what she says, but don’t exclude her from the family just because she’s a bit odd. How would you feel if you were 85 years old, widowed, living with your child’s family, and they don’t even invite you for a celebration meal?

Seriously. The replies on this thread. This is why so many old people die alone in hospitals and nursing homes. So sad.

There is a current thread about the overwhelming responsibility of caring for an elderly mother, running alongside this thread. It may help to give you some perspective. It is on AIBU at the moment

Moving miles away from parent in care home http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/5097106-moving-miles-away-from-parent-in-care-home

The sad thing is when the inevitable happens and she isn't around anymore you will miss her.

Why do people always type this crap with such conviction? My parents are elderly and I have responsibility for them. They gave me a shit childhood and are negative and judgemental. I won’t miss them when they die but will feel relief. Don’t assume about others’ relationships and quote trite cliches at them.

She sounds like a normal old person I’m guessing she’s late 70’s
my mums the same think it’s they get very insular and it all becomes about them because basically they have nothing going on in there life
tbh you can literally predict what there going to say and issues there’ll moan about

everyone round the table would predict it and expect it and to a point amuse them but today it grated on you

engage with it then shut it down about the funeral I would briefly listened so she knew she had my attention then told her you have no pen to write her wishes down we’ll leave it for now and you’ll pop in tomorrow and plan her funeral if she wants

dint swim against the tide you will not change her and just wind yourself up deep breath and eye roll

Pot kettle black on the toxicity.

At last, a sensible response. Honestly, some of the posts on this thread are beyond ridiculous. People have been putting up with trying behaviour for years, it's what you do when you love someone. And invariably the people you think are trying will also have times when they think you are trying - yes, even you, perfect mothers on MN!