To be SO ANGRY with DM at end of exams meal

God your mum sounds just like my step mum. So difficult to be around people like that. Well done for holding it together for your kids

Op you can't change her bit you can ch age how you react.

I'd go with dh method and try to make granny bingo. What items will she mention 1 point, depressing comments 2 points, etc

This is her personality. She’s not going to change now.

She probably is pretty miserable and that won’t have helped an already self-focused personality. Being miserable or lonely does make people more self absorbed.

You can’t change her so you are best to change you attitude and either develop a sense of humour about it or at least develop a thick skin and the knowledge that you can tolerate and cope with her behaviour.

What a ridiculous thing to discuss.

The obvious answer is a large icicle, no discussion necessary 😜

What were the options?!

OP I sympathise, my mum is like this, nothing is ever good enough, she always bring the mood right down with her moaning.

I remember when we were getting married she phoned me up specifically to tell me not to invite any of my aunts uncles and cousins or friends from school because “they won’t come, it’s too far” - they live about a 4 hour drive away, they all came. But in her mind no one would want to pay for a hotel to attend a wedding 🙄

This ^

😆😆

Obviously I disagree it is bad manners.

go DH, best way to deal with it.

Have a laugh with her by gently taking the piss

hello? Old age does not and should not equal bad manners

this. I am 70 and have older sibs so I am allowed to say it. Disinhibition due to dementia or other brain injury at any age is allowed. Bad manners are not.

yes you could.

She’s already said she told her to move on multiple times.

Just because she’s 85 doesn’t mean the world revolves around her. There’s some strange entitlement around elderly people that they just cannot be wrong and you must like them no matter what.

Have you tried standing up to her and saying "perhaps we can talk about funerals on a night when we aren't celebrating".

We would all laugh and mock her until she stars laughing too! But I’m from Liverpool and we don’t suffer negativity at such joyous occasions.

I’m sorry, @Milliondoll , your post made me laugh. My DM is exactly the same. It was the bit about Cat Bum Face (I’m stealing that one) and the nature sounds at her funeral. It sounds like pretty much any family event here where DM isn’t the centre of attention. She is also very much in the “well I won’t need to eat tomorrow” mould. Conversations about DM’s behaviour are equally unproductive. I’m chuckling darkly because I could have written this post and reading you makes me feel slightly less bad about all the family meals I’ve spent contemplating what I could do with a cake fork.

Completely disagree. I am often astonished by how on MN " your children are your children for life" and must be allowed to live at home till 35, but your mum is to be discarded in a home.

I think it does teens good to be around their GPs and learn a bit of tolerance, because old age comes to us all.

I agree with this, and with the PP who suggested everyone engaging with the sounds of nature at the funeral talk. You won't get her to stop introducing talk you feel inappropriate for a celebratory occasion, so you might as well make the best of it by taking the piss rather. I remember many occasions with elderly nans making outrageous comments and all the younger people would draw it out and make it funny. If it comes down to doing this or getting upset and annoyed, you might as well?

I'd also reconsider inviting her to every event or occasion, if you feel irked by her. I wouldn't leave her out every time, that would be mean, but restaurants don't seem to be her thing by her own admission...

Sounds like you've moved her in but to the detriment of your wider family. It's your children I feel sorry for, being around suck a toxic, negative influence will have had such a poor effect on them, how they view life and ultimately you.

My mum who is absolutely nothing like yours I hasten to add sometimes talks about her own death and funeral and the kids have a laugh about it. E.g. she says this might be my last Christmas and we sing Last Christmas to her. Sounds like your mum wouldn’t have the same sense of humour though.

They would’ve asked if the nature sounds would include ducks quacking and cocks crowing and cows farting too! Maybe you need a bit of humour to diffuse her.

Good that she’s got a right-on attitude though. She’s not all bad!

You should have let him carry right on. The best way to deal with this sort of behaviour is to take the piss.

Oh OP, I can so sympathise, my DM is like this too. Deep down I know it’s just what she’s like and never really intentional, but in some ways that makes it worse/harder to deal with, because she never has to take responsibility for upsetting people and ruining gatherings and events for other people or dealing with the fall-out. I think this might actually be the perfect opportunity for you to stop inviting her along to things where she isn’t meant to be the focus, and just arrange smaller things at home for her to be part of. If she gets upset, you can legitimately tell her that she obviously didn’t enjoy it last time. I don’t think you can win whatever you do really - she not at an age where it’s very likely her personality or behaviour will change a great deal, so it’s more about finding strategies for minimising the stress that kind of thing causes you both

I would have just said 'Can we change the subject now Mum, this is supposed to be a celebration!' but honestly, at 85 you're not going to change her! My mum's a bit like this too at times and the kids just laugh about it.

More Fool You!

Why on earth did you allow her to live literally on top of you like that?

She sounds very difficult.