To be SO ANGRY with DM at end of exams meal

A lot of the shirt painting would have happened out of school.

She sounds like a bit of a legend to me! Calling out racism and sexism in a very direct way at 85 is such a good role model for your DCs.

She has explained this - it wasn't her kids, they were also shocked, it was racist kids at her school. Vile. But she is innocent!

Well I laughed my socks off re the dog and the will to live.
My late parents lived with us for 5/18 years. She was a diva, he was jolly to the end. She went first, quickly.
Any funeral talk tell her she's having one of those cheapo cremations.
My mother wanted bloody bells!
I've been a bit poorly recently and planned my exit, it made my DC laugh. The DH said you'll get what your given, you'll be dead (science brain).
Personally I would never live in a three g again. But we get pushed into these things. Chin up and have a lovely party for your other DC.

Maybe they’re taking a cue from Prince Harry.

Swastikas? Andrew Tate has a lot to answer for. I hope they lock him up for a long timev and confiscate his ill gotten gains.

OMG seriously you were in a restaurant with your kids with Nazi swastikas on their shirts? I cannot believe this, how on earth did you or anyone else find this acceptable.

All of you should have engaged enthusiastically with the funeral chat, choosing the coffin, insisting on things you know she wouldn't want but she'd be dead so what? She'd have been onto pudding in no time at all.

I am really sorry for your situation and for all you have been through and are still going through. It sounds like hell and life is obviously very tough for you.

From the OP the relationship described is complicated but the OP obviously still loves her Mum.

Your situation is totally different and I would not presume for one minute you will miss your parents but having been in a similar situation to the OP I just wanted to share the benefit of my experience in the hope it might help. However that experience is unique to me and I appreciate it will be different for everyone.

If your DH draws her out to amuse himself, and your DC find her funny, it sounds like it is you that gets really wound up by her? And one can see why, and there is probably history there too. For your sake, is there any way you could switch to getting amusement out of it? Whip out a catalogue of wicker coffins, encourage DC to learn some bird calls and say they will be performing them at the funeral, agree that it’s going to be a nightmare to get all the old junk she thinks are antique valued… say you’re so relieved that as an 85 year old she doesn’t eat like a 16 year old or something would really be wrong.. or just exclaim brightly I do love talking about funerals at mealtimes, we’re so lucky….

Re the school shirt thing - Jesus. Definitely report, complain, kick up. I can’t believe teachers can all be completely unaware of this. I thought this sort of thing had been stamped out in schools years ago.

Agree with the Granny Bingo suggestion. It's something my BIL used to do with his own Gran. Although suddenly yelling out "BINGO!!!" just as she was in the middle of another rant about something morbid did rather escalate things.

You've either got to not bring her to some things or just roll with it.

if you know what she is going to be like, I don't understand why your upset by it when she meets your expectations.

Yes you can! It’s important you go & have fun with your own nuclear family from time to time. Especially as she doesn’t even enjoy going out & is judgemental. Hopefully you can have a bit of humour with your kids about grandma talking about her funeral when you are out. Well done to your twins and happy 18th celebrations hope Grandma doesn’t spoil them for you (ignore & don’t let her)

TBH, I'm with her on the food being "fine". Clearly I'm not eating in the right places, but I can probably count on one hand the number of meals out that have been incredible, or even "lovely" honestly. Most genuinely are just "fine", and not anything significantly better than I could cook for myself at home. For me, it's more about the company.

I would say YABU because you know what she is like and yet you still invited her! Assuming your kids actually wanted a family meal, that doesn't have to mean the entire extended family.

We do bingo with some family members too. But with my own mum, I would just say, "Alright mum, give it a rest!" or "Wow mum, way to ruin the mood!"

Damn! While I was writing my response someone else mentioned Bingo!!

There's a lot of mood-hoovers out there, clearly...

erm… excuse me but you could ! should and consider, from today, would !

Oh congrats!! You have a mood-hoover DM!!

I sympathise hugely. My DM ruined DS's 10th birthday by blurting out something horrible about his recently deceased other grandma (my MIL)
It was so rude and shocking that noone said anything so I called her out on it as I was sick of this walking on eggshells shit. She got all huffy as if I had made the fuss. Unbelievable. Nope, not dementia - just rudeness and narcissism that we were all too afraid to call out.

Anyway, I can offer 3 pieces of advice:

A) don't invite her. V hard & you may all have to sneak off but so what? At least you'll have a nice time!

B) play Fun Sponge Bingo!!! My DM had lots of things she hated so we'd score points for every one she mentioned. DH sometimes deliberately mentioned things such as weather, adverts or Stephen Fry just to score points.

C) Fight fire with flowers. Every time she says something negative, reply with a positive. 'Oh I hate going out for a meal.'
'Maybe, but aren't we lucky to be able to do that now?'
Or
'I hate the rain.'
'Brilliant for the garden though!!'

Good luck and sympathies 😊

😂This is great. I need to try this with my own mother.

why do you disagree? Because she is old and therefore MUST be going doolally?

I feel for you OP. What a nightmare.

Hi OP,

Your DM sounds very like my late SiL. We lost her this year at 83. She was always hard work so we actually didn't notice that her increasingly abrasive and inappropriate behaviour was a feature of dementia, meaning she wasn't diagnosed until very close to her death.

She was very adept at hiding her cognitive decline, so keep a watch for other signs.

I would have wound her up whilst winking at the children - I am sure they would have had a laugh.

You could totally have capitalised on this. I’m so pleased you brought this up, I was so worried about the music we’d play at your funeral. Maybe we should meet at the funeral parlor next week to discuss it with them. They even have payment plans these days. Downloads animal fart sounds…