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To be SO ANGRY with DM at end of exams meal

284 replies

Milliondoll · 14/06/2024 23:14

I’ve bitten my tongue all evening 😡. I actually went off and had a private cry when we got home.

my DTs finished their GCSEs exams today and we took them out for a family meal at a lovely pub nearby. They’ve both tried really hard and I’m so proud of them.

DM has form for being a positivity hoover, and for bringing the mood down, but this was something else

I bloody knew she’d be like this as yesterday she mentioned the meal and said it ‘must’ also be a meal for DS1s birthday as he is 18 this week, and ‘you can’t be taking him out for a meal as well’. I brushed this aside and fumed to myself about this, I mean FFS when you are 18 don’t you deserve your own celebration- not to mention that my twins always have to share celebrations like this anyway? It’s on for her to be taken out get her birthday though.

She spent the whole meal being clearly ready to go full Cats Bum Face at teenage chat, and continually moaning about how ‘she never has starters and ‘I don’t know how you can eat all that anyway’ at 6’ teenage boys, and to top it all wanted to talk about the fact that she ‘hates all music’ and what precise nature sounds we must play at her funeral, as well as declaiming that she ‘doesn’t mind taking about her own death’ and then segueing into detailed exclamations about what a nightmare her estate will be when she’s dead.

i asked her how her meal was and ‘it’s fine yes’ (I mean, ‘oh nice yes’ or even, ‘lovely’ might have been nice.

I know this sounds intolerant but who thinks your won funeral is what we want to talk about at a celebration meal??

it’s been a long week so maybe I’m BU.

OP posts:
Jeanetmarre · 15/06/2024 15:28

My mum lives in the granny flat next door to us. She doesn't expect to be included in all our social life or vice versa.

Before we lived adjacently we had a long discussion about boundaries and what was/wasnt acceptable.

Yours sounds a very difficult situation. I wonder if therapy might help you find coping strategies and the strength to have a "boundaries" chat with your parent.

My sympathies.

WiddlinDiddlin · 15/06/2024 15:25

Do you have to tell her where you're going/what you're doing the whole time?

Just go out without her.

If she asks 'well last time you made it very clear you don't enjoy going out for a meal, you don't enjoy teenager related chat, you didn't enjoy the food, so we just took those of us who do enjoy these things!'.

piscofrisco · 15/06/2024 15:06

This is my mum to a tee. We just don't ask her to stuff anymore. Or if we do, it's things that she can be easily diluted at-bigger gatherings where people aren't stuck in one place as they are at a dinner table iyswim.

Fine to say to her you are going out just you, dh and the kids. You don't owe her an invite whether she lives next door or not. Just tell her you are going somewhere you all fancy but know she wouldn't like if she asks.

Dweetfidilove · 15/06/2024 14:58

Milliondoll · 14/06/2024 23:26

I actually did state rather firmly ‘move ON’ a number of times, while DH can’t be trusted not to be a wind up and draw out more ridiculous statements, so I had to give out Hard Stares too.

See, if I had to invite her, I’d be like your husband 🤣🤣. Free entertainment for every event- for your husband and children at least 😂.

Whatshallabee · 15/06/2024 14:32

Yellowvelvetpop · 15/06/2024 13:50

So you can’t stop seeing her so you need tactics to protect your well-being;

Bookend your time with her with something nice and nurturing for you - a sit down with a cuppa/episode of your favourite show/call a friend/listen to a song.

Play bingo. I use this with my mum;
5 points for a moan.
10 points for passive aggression.
20 points for criticism of someone else.
30 points for criticism of me
50 points for aggression towards me.

Then I pick a threshold and a prize. Last time if I got to 100 I was going to buy a plant I like from RHS. I was begging her in my head to do it!! I sadly only got to 85. It really changed how I felt being around her and she was none the wiser.

Genius.

brunettemic · 15/06/2024 14:31

Milliondoll · 14/06/2024 23:22

She lives in an annexe next to us and is part of the family - I couldn’t not invite her

Yes you could, you can’t have it both ways…you invite her, knowing it’s going to go badly or you don’t invite her. Sounds like a problem if your own making to me.

Whatshallabee · 15/06/2024 14:29

PixiePromises · 15/06/2024 14:09

She's 85 and has form for this, yet you sound surprised by her performance!

I just don't understand why you would take her?

She sounds unnervingly honest in her comments, so I'd have left her at home and explained exactly why she wasn't invited in no uncertain terms if she'd have complained.

Don't make the same mistake for the next celebration.

Is isn’t as easy as this. OP’s DM is the long lost twin of my DM. The fall out and drama of not inviting them will never ever end. Ever.

CatStoleMyChocolate · 15/06/2024 14:20

No advice but you have my full sympathy, OP. My MIL was a bit like this and would start instructing us on her funeral arrangements before we’d even got our coats off on visits.

On a vaguely practical note, I would say to get her to write it down - my MIL did and it was hugely helpful when she died suddenly in her early 80s. We at least knew exactly what she wanted.

giveupcrunchy · 15/06/2024 14:16

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PixiePromises · 15/06/2024 14:09

She's 85 and has form for this, yet you sound surprised by her performance!

I just don't understand why you would take her?

She sounds unnervingly honest in her comments, so I'd have left her at home and explained exactly why she wasn't invited in no uncertain terms if she'd have complained.

Don't make the same mistake for the next celebration.

Milliondoll · 15/06/2024 14:07

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Because they told me on Friday night! When could I have told the school 😵‍💫

OP posts:
LiveAtVillaVillekulla · 15/06/2024 14:04

I started reading being 100% in your corner OP but actually you and your little friends on here sound absolutely vile.

dscisaknob · 15/06/2024 13:59

I wouldn't invite her to things like that again. Irrelevant that she's living in an annexe next to your house. She can stay at home while you go out and enjoy yourselves as she obviously doesn't like going for meals out.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 15/06/2024 13:56

It's not a generational thing. My parents were born in the early to mid 1930s and have never behaved like this. It's a personality thing.

giveupcrunchy · 15/06/2024 13:55

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Beautiful3 · 15/06/2024 13:54

Sounds a bit like my dad. I dont take him out for meals anymore, as he complains and always moans about the food. He keeps telling me exactly how my mother died over dinner. It's depressing and I don't enjoy myself with him. I have him over once a week for a roast dinner, and we have meals out WITHOUT him, because I want to enjoy myself 😆. Interesting how my father and your mother are both war time babies. He constantly complains about needless things like enjoyable activities and eating out, because they weren't done in their day. It must be a generational thing and they can't understand us, just like us with them!

giveupcrunchy · 15/06/2024 13:50

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Yellowvelvetpop · 15/06/2024 13:50

So you can’t stop seeing her so you need tactics to protect your well-being;

Bookend your time with her with something nice and nurturing for you - a sit down with a cuppa/episode of your favourite show/call a friend/listen to a song.

Play bingo. I use this with my mum;
5 points for a moan.
10 points for passive aggression.
20 points for criticism of someone else.
30 points for criticism of me
50 points for aggression towards me.

Then I pick a threshold and a prize. Last time if I got to 100 I was going to buy a plant I like from RHS. I was begging her in my head to do it!! I sadly only got to 85. It really changed how I felt being around her and she was none the wiser.

VickyEadieofThigh · 15/06/2024 13:50

Kai125 · 14/06/2024 23:24

Why not?

Indeed. I would've thought the twins' end of GCSE meal was a 'just Mum & Dad and kids' event.

giveupcrunchy · 15/06/2024 13:49

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Milliondoll · 15/06/2024 13:44

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Why

OP posts:
Milliondoll · 15/06/2024 13:44

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RTFT!

OP posts:
ChocoChocoLatte · 15/06/2024 13:42

@Milliondoll you CAN not invite her - just be out and say it was an impromptu thing and if she still complains mention how much she moaned during the last one so you were doing b her a favour?

Sometimes am grateful my kids' only living grandparents are in another country and have nothing to do with our lot.

giveupcrunchy · 15/06/2024 13:40

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giveupcrunchy · 15/06/2024 13:37

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