To be SO ANGRY with DM at end of exams meal

Three of our parents lived well into their nineties. I had been retired some time when my mother died. If a parent lives with you, you inevitably become a carer as they age. You lose a lot of the freedom that retirement promises. Inviting an elderly parent to live with you is an incredibly difficult decision. All of our parents had dementia in some form by the time they died. Looking after someone with dementia is hard.

To be honest, I wish I'd been eating in the same pub because your family would've been great entertainment. I LOL'd at the funeral nature sounds just reading about it - seeing it played out in front of me would be great. And your DC & DH sound brilliant.

Sorry. (I voted in your favour.)

Make this the last time you invite her to something important if you know she is going to ruin it.

Doesn't mean you never invite her to anything ever again, just be clear in your own mind which events you could cope with her and which ones you couldn't.

YANBU. Well done for your DT’s finishing the exams, fingers crossed for good results and hope your DS has a fab birthday 🎂

Yes. Unique you say.

So it’s very likely she’s completely different to the OP’s mother, who, brought the entire mood down and was extremely negative.

Also, some people don’t find un-PC comments (which turn out to be homophobic, sexist, racist etc.) funny.

Good grief... I have no idea how she's ended up being 'part of the family' and why on earth you've created an annexe to facilitate this nonsense when she clearly isn't family orientated and reverts everything back to her and her views/needs/,rules.
I have lots of sympathy for the really tricky circumstances that that generation has had to overcome.. especially in their formative years. But they also had big advantages on their mid and later years that subsequent generations can only dream of. It's a shame that talking about how you really feel/articulating your needs was so discouraged because I think it leaves many bitter and snippy despite being materialy (as a cohort obviously, not individuals) much better off than the generations that will follow. It makes intergenerational living harder and fraught with potential conflict.

Just be ready for the hard of reading to next suggest you evict your 85 year old mother.

Mumsnet at it's most curious with attitudes to mothers.

Your teenagers will have mostly not taken a blind bit of notice if they're fed and watered.

Mine never remembered any of these "milestones" too busy just growing up, and free meal out a complete bonus.

Enjoy them while you can 🤗

Cannot understand why you are so bothered about your Mum’s behaviour. My Mum was 83 when she died. My children just laugh about their lovely Grandma's totally un PC thoughts. She was unique!!

I loved my mother but my primary relationships are to my husband and children. I could never have had my mother live in an annexe in the garden. It wouldn't have been fair on my husband and child.
@TotHappy How would you feel if your husband wanted his mother to live in an annexe in your garden.
Your mother may be your primary relationship and you want to share everything with her but that probably doesn't apply to your husband and children.
TBF my mother loved her independence and would never have agreed to live in my back garden either.

You have taken my mother out for dinner!

Seriously, we have exactly the same issues. Once ate only a tiny bowl of Miso soup after disparaging everything else on the menu. Another time talked incessantly about how she could cook everything on the menu better than the restaurant! It was yo sushi too, so unlikely!

I had to tell her bluntly that she makes the kids anxious with all her talk about dying (I won't be here next year etc etc) She's pretty much shut up about it now.

The one difference is that we tried the annexe thing and she hated it! She clearly felt inferior to us in the house and whenever we tried to put in a boundary, felt left out and complained to all our relatives, making me out to be the bad guy(so I understand why you couldn't not invite her).

She happily then moved to a very luxurious retirement place where fortunately for me her unhappiness and bitterness are someone else's problem.

On a practical note, I invite her to school plays and concerts where we don't have to talk, and she can then tell everyone about her grandchildren. Occasionally she takes the kids out for lunch at the weekend one to one, but we would never do a meal like that again. Don't invite her op, she will ruin your kids memories of these milestones.

Of course you do ‘t have to invite her.

Don’t let misplaced guilt ruin all your children’s occasions.

I'd have asked her how long did I have to realistically wait for her funeral.........

Well my relationship with my mother is very important to me. And for that reason I'd never invite her to come and live in an annexe of my house as we'd end up hating each other.

Neither do I tell her everything about my life, just as she doesnt tell me everything about hers.

You can love your mother without having to invite her to everything you do.

Why haven't you said something? Honestly don't seethe just say something even it's just a " mother" said in a warning voice.
I'd also say something like " I'll be taking the boys out next week, just us, ok" And if she asks why, tell her she brings the mood ". Let her sulk. It's fine. It's better than her sharing her misery and you being angry.

Sounds like my mother. If everything isn't about her and she's not the centre of attention then she's not interested.

'Is your relationship with her very important to you' 😅about your own MOTHER!

Whaaaaaaaaat

If this is new behaviour she probably is getting dementia or something similar and be gentle with her . If she has always been difficult I would be less lenient.

It is just that having a parent live with you is a huge thing and she must be very central to your life that you invited her to share your forever home.

Well that explains a lot. Tbh I would (now the kids are old enough) basically not let her know every time when you're going out and sneak off for the odd thing.
Let the kids know Nanna is going to come out with some bollocks but that it's fine to ignore it.