To be SO ANGRY with DM at end of exams meal

You reactivated a zombie thread to say this?

Even if she lived in your house, you do not have to invite her.
Indeed, I'd be telling her why she isn't invited to functions and celebrations.
Why do people allow one person in their life to have such a negative effect on so many others in their life?

You be sorry when she passes away.

I find eating out really stressful now!
we went out for my nans 98th… because there were 5 of us tables were limited, the big tables all seem to be in dark corners and my nan did nothing but moan about it being dark, she felt hemmed in and claustrophobic… pulled a face all through the meal, did nothing but moan the meal was too big…
my daughter had put a LOT of time and effort into making her a really awesome cake… which she moaned she wanted to take home to cut as hated being in the restaurant… by then my DD was just pissed off with how the meal had gone and we left… so we didn’t see the cake being cut or get to have a slice!… we won’t be going for a meal with her ever again!
My birthday my DD really wanted to take me for a meal but had invited my parents, I know from experience all my parents do is moan about cost, temperate of food etc… mum almost always sends food back because it’s not piping hot…. Dad sits and says how many sacks of potatoes etc he could have bought for the price of the meal… my nan sits and talks about that weeks bowel movements! … so rather than go out I got a take out for me and parents (they moaned about how much they’d gone up in price!) and my DD took a salad and my nan had a micro meal 😂
It was still a bit of a headache but I hadn’t had to pay a fortune for the pleasure or cringe at strangers hearing the weird things my family talk about over dinner !! We’ve actually had people tutt and move tables in the past!!

hiw did the school allow this?! I’d have booted them out and not let them sit the exam and then charged the parents the cost!

if you "firmly believe' that then why put an "X" in that firm belief?

YANBU. I firmly believe that old people think that normal rules of politeness don’t apply to them once they get past X years old. My own mother is way past that age. Stay strong and try to make a joke of it.

Yes you could and, if she raises it, tell her why. I expect everyone else will be overjoyed. She's happily being (overly) blunt and 'on the nose' - give her a dose of her own medicine and you will all have much more enjoyable celebration meals. She sounds very narcissistic, making it all about her and her views.

My DPs are going to be 85 in a few months and they act appropriately and are pleasant to be around, so age isn't an excuse - unless you do think it might be dementia related but I wouldn't be surprised if she's always been a moody cow/person

When your DCs are teenagers they’ll laugh and say do you remember when gran used to go on and on about the war and mum used to get in such a flap about it. And unfortunately when your DCs are as old as you are now and you are as old as your mum I rather think they’ll be laughing and telling you that they’ve heard whatever you’ll keep repeating before and will ignore you. So why don’t you do that now? Say oh come on mum nobody’s listening….and also remember that while she’s living with you you’re not forking out the inheritance in care home fees.

My DM is like this. My DD was playing in a youth orchestra concert and halfway through DM burst into tears lamenting the fact that Grandad (her DF) would have loved this if he wasn’t dead and all I could think of was that if he had indeed been alive he would have been 106 and wanting to go to the toilet every 20 minutes.

Are you my sister because that sounds like my Mother !

Well that’s nice of you tbf 🙂

You don't need people like that in your life
Stay around positive people, that don't make feel sad.

My mother switches from being really lovely and helpful to being moody especially when she feels the attention isn’t on her. My daughter announced she was pregnant yesterday, my mother burst into tears so everyone spent the next 10 minutes asking what’s wrong, she then told a long story of where/how she announced her first pregnancy (59 years ago)!

I’ve got similar MIL, my DD went running up to her after graduation ceremony saying how did you like it grandma? ‘Well, it was far too cold in there’ was all she would say! It’s almost funny really. We just try to have ‘low contact’ as someone else said, there’s only so much negativity you can take so you just have to weigh up the times you can leave her out!

Could you do a repeat meal without her, or your twins choice of takeaway and a film for their mates?
Hope you get a breather now. And can limit what your mum is invited to. The thought was nice to include her but none of you need that every time! X

This

In your shoes OP I don't think I could bring myself to invite her out for a meal ever again. 😡

This. I get why for birthday meals, bur for end of term/ exams no need. Yabu

WHO did she actually ruin it for?
Did your twins categorically say 'Gran has ruined the evening and we didn't have a good time'? Or did they have a bit of a giggle egging her on RE the funeral plans? If their evening was spoilt, ok, YANBU but if it's just 'she got on YOUR nerves', you need to unclench a bit. She is old and crabby and has form for this.

My sister and I are sometimes baffled about our mother, she is so tolerant about many things- open door immigration policy, race, sexuality etc but so intolerant of other things - adverts, any TV really (especially quiz shows) women who've had plastic surgery, posh end supermarkets, celebrities, anyone called 'a national treasure', buying new clothes, any technology and it goes on. She is proud of ranting away, which is in full flow when she's had a drink or 3. She thinks it's entertaining and the GCs adore her and her 'one woman show' but it's exhausting. Often when she's out she'll say things quite loudly almost to see if she can provoke a reaction from random folk who might be in earshot, eg 'who the hell is daft enough to buy a Rolex/Range Rover/travel first class/buy a big house'. It's very much inverted snobbery. It's a shame because I love her dearly but it the undercurrent of negativity is very tiring.

I am shaking my head at all the "why did you invite her" comments. Anyone saying this clearly has no idea what it's like to have a difficult, family member, especially when they are your mother! I know because I am in a similar situation.

While I understand it is indeed the obvious solution to just not have her at events, that comes with different issues which cast a negative shadow over what's supposed to be a happy family event. She could find out and that'd cause a guilt trip and/or a rift. Despite everything, while there is some form of relationship with the negative person, if you are a nice, caring person, there will be guilt involved going without her, more so if the person lives alone.

Having a negative person in close family, especially a parent, is a minefield. You are torn between inviting them and having them ruin the event, or not invite them and enjoy the event but be ridden with guilt 😐, while running the risk of them finding out and there being a rammy 🙄. People who are lucky enough to not have experience of this are very lucky.

OP, I totally get why you invited her. Sorry she ruined it. I don't know what to suggest as there isn't really an answer. You have to choose between biting your tongue and just going without her and running the risk of offending her and dealing with the guilt of not inviting her.

Without RTFT... This!

She seems very hard on herself. Does she experience any joy in her life?

I shouldn’t laugh but I did because we may have the same mother
pop round: she’s death cleaning (in the fucking clutter
eat: constant exclamations about the volume
wear new clothes: comments on weight
talk about future: death
go out: it’s hard, death

but mine is under 70 and totally fit!