Is it normal to not feel fully content? Advice appreciated please!

I don't feel fully content, I'm always annoyed or irritated. However , I am aware that destination happiness is a thing and I don't allow myself to get sucked into that sort of thinking. A new, posh car wouldn't make my life any better. All the people I know with nice cars, big houses etc aren't content with them, they want a different new car , to move house, another holiday etc.

Some people are probably content. I think old people are. Perhaps because they may not have been sucked into social media. Perhaps people who are very religious, or have quite a simple life are too.

Imo , a lot of people pretend to be more content than they are, because they don't want to appear ungrateful.

I also think I could have all my hearts desires, and my dc would still have my life and drive me mad.You may be the same , OP.

@Mysticguru - simple but so reassuring. Thank you.

“Happiness means feeling you are on the right path every moment.
You don't need to arrive at the end of the path in order to be happy.”

I'm 31, no kids yet and I've done lots of travelling but still struggle with this! I worry that I didn't make enough of the 'fun' part of my life and now have the difficulty of making the decision about kids, and if I do I'll be parenting much later than younger mums. I think it's a very normal feeling in the 30s-40s as the fear and pressure of aging starts to kick in, whichever route you took. There are tons of online tools through the NHS about reframing worries and negative thoughts, it can sound naff but they've really helped me.

I some times wonder if achieving all that you had on your "life to-do" list can have this effect. You have everything most people strive for and with that comes an enormous (false) responsibility to supposedly be ecstatic as a result, but that just isn't realistic! It is like if you break your leg and are in a cast, you feel like the day that it comes off you are just going to be so grateful every single day (which normally lasts a few days, but then real life kicks in and you are back to happiness square one!)
Don't feel guilty about the fact that you are not always happy or because all is going well for you, embrace these good times, because life moves on quickly. Make sure you put time in to prioritise your happiness. When you value yourself more, your perceived value also increases from those around you so win win!

Great stuff op! Ignore any grumbles and quietly do your own thing xx

Happiness means feeling you are on the right path every moment.
You don't need to arrive at the end of the path in order to be happy.
TNH

Reading through your OP, I just see a big list of things that you do for everyone else and nothing that you do by yourself, for yourself. Where do you fit in with all of this? How are your needs being met? Of course you're not content if you're putting everyone else ahead of yourself.

I think you are absolutely normal too. And that you are doing a great job, by what you have written, and other women probably look at you and think “how does she do it?”
😀😀

You have four dc so you are in the parenting trenches atm and - I hope this doesn’t sound too overwhelming for you - there’s a great bit between about eight and twelve, and then it will get worse before it gets better; teenage years can be “interesting” 😂.

However, because you started young, you will emerge young, and that will be your “golden period” when your dc are young adults and you will have more free time and you and your dh will (god willing) be fit and active enough to enjoy it! So hang in there op!

Until then though, as someone who is out the other side, my advice would be, try and treasure every day (sorry if that sounds too Disney but it goes so fast) and try and preserve a tiny corner of your life just for yourself, in which you do something that brings you joy. I know with a ft job and four dc that sounds bordering on the impossible but it’s SO important.

I didn’t take that advice and got a bit depressed and resentful facilitating everyone else’s life and not having anything joyful of my own to look forward to.

The thing is op, you don’t need anyone’s permission, and no one is going to facilitate it for you, so you have to do it for yourself even if it means the family eating a takeaway one night a week or one of the children getting the bus instead of you picking them up. And that’s ok.

And the reason it’s ok is that (a) apparently one of the best predictors of child happiness is how happy their mothers are and (b) the very best form of parenting is example, so if you model fulfilling yourself creatively, for example, they are more likely to do the same.

Good luck op and start doing something that you love NOW and don’t wait until little Johnny has finished primary, or you have moved house, start as soon as you possibly can, there is never going to be a perfect moment and society places such huge pressure on women to be “sacrificial” in a way that doesn’t seem to impact men in quite the same way, so well done for recognising your own disquiet - treat it seriously - and ask your dh to step up more if you need to 💐

Your biggest pinch points are having four children and a full time professional job. You are doing the hard yards. Of course things won't be perfect and there will have to be compromises. What is important is to define and accept the compromises. And my first one in your shoes is volunteering at school. If parents work, they spend the money at the fetes and cake stalls, if parents don't work, they do the graft.

Broadly though, I think people are either glass half empty or glass half full. My MIL and SIL1 have half empty glasses, are quite envious, compare to others and have feelings of inadequacy. If it's raining, it's "I'm so disappointed, it was miserable and I couldn't get out, I'm so fed up". And you can substitute hot, windy, cold for raining.

SIL2, mother and I, however, are more inclined to say or feel "it was wet, but not cold and the garden needed it, I did manage to get a bit of weeding done just after lunch and in the end I grabbed my brolly and walked to the shops/beach/village to get some air, and on the way back saw that beautiful rainbow".

Gosh - I relate to the simultaneously envying other mothers who don’t work and in the next breath judging them 😳

Then I feel like I’m a really mean person who just “pretends” to be nice. And then I just feel like a big mess!

another poster said something about thinking of normal human behaviours as flaws. Which is really interesting. I guess I personally do see anything less than perfect as a flaw which should be addressed. I guess I assumed everybody did?

Maybe that’s something to think about - we don’t have to always be striving to be better. And if we do have negative traits (like judging others), maybe that’s ok?? I don’t know, though.

I think having kids especially young can zap the joy out of life and it can feel pretty relentless. If I could choose my perfect day it wouldn't be getting up at the crack of dawn, making breakfast, doing housework, school run, going to work all day, coming home and having to cook dinner, clean up, homework, bathtime bedtime etc and repeat. My days aren't often fun even on the weekend. So I understand why I feel Meh a lot of the time and hope it improves once my children grow up a bit.

I’m very similar to how you describe yourself.

Sometimes I think it’s just my personality and other times I think it’s because I had quite a critical upbringing where I always felt I had to earn affection/prove myself.

At 50 years old, though, I’m still the same so think I may always be someone who is never content for very long.

It does have its advantages though - I’ve done a lot of things in life and have accomplished a lot also. But it can be exhausting and frustrating as well.

*three things every day 🤪

This sounds strange but keep a gratitude journal, three thugs and very day. It might be you had a cuppa in peace, or a friend called. It's been prove to lift mood.

I think we all have some FOMO these days and feel we have to live our "best life". I detest that phrase. ALL of it is life; grief, laughter, drudgery, holidays. Look for the joy in each moment, they are there but it sounds like you see the negatives.

I don't know what advice to give you but I think your feelings are normal. Yes you're lucky but you also have a lot on your plate. To be honest, I'm not sure I could have coped with 4 kids. I stopped at two and even find that hard work. Each child takes a lot of emotional energy.
But yes, I think many of us can relate to losing patience with the kids, not having an immaculately clean and tidy house, not saving enough.
I never compare myself to others. What's the point? Everyone has their own unique circumstances and people's lives can change in an instant. There was one time I did compare my life to a friend. She seemed to have everything and my life was falling apart. Fast forward a couple of years and she'd suffered the most awful tragedy and my life was pretty good. Life's full of ups and downs for everyone.
Yes you started having children young so missed some of the carefree 20s lifestyle but it also comes with lots of benefits. By your 40s your children will be older/grown up and you'll have loads of freedom. I know plenty of women (myself included) who are still doing a lot of full on parenting in our 40s and 50s (including during menopause) and it's a real slog!
Just try and name the most of each day, don't stress about a messy house. Life will be much easier in ten years or so.

I have no advice but wanted to thank you for being so honest and writing this. This really is how I'm feeling and it gets to me a lot. Realistically I think for me it's tiredness combined with two small children and a demanding full time job with no family help. I do need to give my head a wobble and potentially focus on the positives more. Hard to do when you're knackered I appreciate!x

I get it. The first thing that springs to mind is social media. If you use it, then get rid of it. You will be so much more content.

Also gratitude will always combat the feeling of not having enough. And lastly, but perhaps first and foremost, it sounds you are spiritually lacking. I felt incomplete and dissatisfied before I became a born again Christian in 2020. Now everything has new meaning.

Also it’s the popular modern mantra of “you can be anything you want to be” No you can’t. Things that appear to be positive on the surface are actually quite damaging in some cases. How will kids feel as adults when they’ve been brought up with “you can do or be anything” mantras plastered everywhere, and they weren’t clever enough to be a doctor, didn’t get that job, got dumped by mr right, can’t get on the housing ladder, don’t look like a supermodel. Everyone needs a dose of realism, to realise that comparison is the thief of joy and that there is peace in contentment.
achievements are not the be all and end all. Nothing wrong with being ambitious of course but we are being raised to want everything annd to expect everything and that’s just nonsense.

It feels like modern life is designed to stop anyone feeling contended. Obviously that’s what capitalism does. Social media. Tv. It’s not all about material items either. The increase in self help about everything. Eg when I go on Instagram I often save these little sound bites about interacting with my child in a more positive way. But then I forget to go back and read it properly later and feel like a failure as all the info on good parenting is out there but I don’t buy the books and take it all in and put it into practice.
the more information in the world about how to do something or be something or achieve something, the more dissatisfied we will be.
I bet people in years gone by without the internet, tv, magazine, didn’t feel so dissatisfied by everything when on paper they had it all.