To think my midwife is being slightly ridiculous over bonding with my unborn baby?

The advice is to encourage Mothers to bond with their unborn babies by speaking to them, touching/rubbing their stomachs and learning about what stage of growth the baby is at etc. The idea is to help Mother to feel connected to baby so that the bond is being formed. This is what I imagine she is trying to achieve but she’s worded it incorrectly.

She should indeed be considering your circumstances though. Sorry for your loss but congratulations on your pregnancy.

Didn’t bond with either of my kids before they were born. Loved them both from the second I clapped eyes on them.

Similar situation. I kind of was neutral to the pregnancy and not really "bonding" until I had a baby in my arms. It was seen very negatively. Once I had baby everyone was surprised because the bond was instant and strong ... ugh

I had two losses before my youngest was born. Didn't get any of the baby clothes out of storage from my eldest until I was 35 weeks. Didn't buy anything until 36 weeks and didn't buy the car seat until 37 weeks (which arrived 3 days before he was born). I never believed I would bring him home, so I definitely didn't do any unborn baby bonding. Once home, he only ever did contact naps and was pretty much attached to me permanently until he learnt to crawl at 6 months.

He's now 5 and loves nothing more than a mummy hug, so I think we've bonded just fine.

The most I spoke to dd1 was when I was about 8 months pregnant and she seemed to stretch sideways. They were mostly swear words! An unborn baby will hear your voice all the time as you talk. They will also hear your heartbeat and blood etc.

She could of course be bonkers but I would gently suggest that maybe she was trying in a round about way to get you to believe you will be bringing this baby home. She may be concerned that your (perfectly understandable) fear is making you a bit too detached. Which doesn't seem to be the case from your post. Either way, don't worry yourself, your baby will know your voice well enough once she arrives. Best wishes to you and sorry for your previous loss

Ffs

there have been thousands of women throughout history who have been in terrible situations emotionally and physically during pregnancy or whom were in circumstances where they didn’t want the foetus or were pregnant during war or from SA or had had losses and were terrified and a myriad of other reasons.

but once they had their baby everything changed and the child never knew anything but that they were loved.

pregnancy is already scary enough without a midwife scaring you even more!

itl be just fine.

So sorry for your loss. I would ignore her. Your baby is being nourished by you and will be hearing your heartbeat. You don't need to do anything to make your baby feel loved at this stage. If she was worrying about you connecting with the baby after your loss that might make more sense. Is she thinking your previous loss will make it harder for you to let yourself relax and bond with the baby after it's born? It's understandable you not being able to get excited or enjoy the pregnancy this time, but once your little one is born I hope you can relax. Just be aware that grief can impact on you and if you do have any anxiety after the birth there are people who can support you. Hope all goes well for you.

I never spoke to either of my babies whilst pregnant, no issues bonding.

Sorry for your previous loss and congrats on this baby. Wishing you well

I’m not sure there’s the science to back up the neural pathways but and I mean this very kindly now is a good time to try to lay anxieties aside and focus on the idea that you will be having a baby. Even when your baby is here there will be lots of things that you make you worry for them and that’s part of parenting.

just start to play her the sort of music you will be happy to continue to listen to for the next 20 years..... clue- not Bat outa hell! which I played constantly when i was pregnant for some reason, and my baby still loved more than anything into her teens

No you're not in danger of damaging your baby.

I was like this with my second. Had 2 losses before her and couldn't trust that I would bring her home. I've had no trouble bonding and neither will you x

Please ask her to back this up with scientific evidence. It sounds like she has had very little training in supporting pregnant mothers following a loss. You are entitled to request another midwife.

Yeah that's bonkers. I didn't particularly bond with either of mine as "babies" when I was pregnant, but bonded with them perfectly well when they were born.

Never once spoke to the bump, but obviously they heard my voice all the time, and both obviously recognised it in recovery after their births.

So babies can definitely hear in utero during the 3rd trimester at least, and there is evidence that they recognize and prefer their mother’s voice to other sounds and also that they can learn to recognize repeated phrases that they heard frequently in utero.

She sounds unhinged..ask her for the scientific evidence backing up these theories I really can't think of any. It's totally normal to feel a bit detached from your unborn baby. It's a strange time and you can feel so ill. Ask for a different midwife and don't spend another minute worrying about this ....you have enough real things to worry about. Madness

Sounds like total rubbish to me.

I can confirm I didn’t speak out loud to either of mine while pregnant, didn’t make a jot of difference.

I also found it very tough to bond to the idea of my second - partly because I’d had a miscarriage, partly because it was 2020 and life was just fucked up and I wasn’t sure adding another baby in was a great idea. He’s a perfectly happy little soul who is totally bonded to both me and his dad.

Maybe she is gently trying to get you to bond with the baby for YOU - not the baby, but she is saying that to be polite / not offend you ? (Maybe because of your previous loss you are understandably holding back) .. or she is batshit.

Is the midwife telling you that you need to bond with the baby rather than the baby needs to bond with you?
It still sounds crackers but if she's worried that you're not yet convinced you'll bring a baby home you might be trying to support you?

Still bonkers though.

I felt exactly like you all throughout my pregnancy, after a few previous miscarriages. I had no problems bonding with my baby once he arrived. Don’t worry- you and your baby will be fine x

I think it's more about you, and whether it's good for you to talk to your baby. If you don't want to, then don't.

Neural pathways are constantly built throughout childhood and even adulthood. Do not worry about bonding now. I didn't talk or read to my bump, it felt ridiculous - just not my style. I didn't really connect until after the births with mine. When they're really there right in front of you it's easy to talk, sing and build that bond for real. Good luck and all best wishes for your pregnancy xx

Ignore your midwife, she is talking twaddle. Congratulations on your pregnancy - try to relax and enjoy it as best you can (easier said than done I know).

Yeah, I'd be asking for another MW as yours sounds bonkers

Complete batshittery. You do things your way and I’m so sorry for your loss.