To think my midwife is being slightly ridiculous over bonding with my unborn baby?

If neural pathways could only be built if pregnant women sat cooing at their stomachs for 9 months, the human race would have died out aeons ago.

This. You don't need to do stuff to try and bond with an unborn.

The elements of bonding happening now are physical. Baby is aware of your heart beat, the rhythm of your walking/movement etc, the sound of your voice (as you go about normal life to talking to other people etc!!), the familiar noises of your home like your pets or your favourite music.

For your own health and wellbeing it will generally be good if you can work on your anxiety etc.

My youngest came after a run of miscarriages, i 100% didn't expect her to make it until i had her in my arms, she's absolutely fine & currently playing noisily with her older brother & she and i have a fantastic bond.

That's bonkers, but baby (once here) will know long before 6mo.

I couldn’t relax throughout my pregnancy after 2 losses. Also found the idea of reading to baby etc ridiculous. I was in love with her the second she was born. You’ll be fine x

I felt the same when I had my daughter. Never ever believed I'd be bringing home my baby, but as soon as she was born, and she was on my chest, it all came then. Foetus' know nothing of love, even once they're out in the world, some mothers struggle initially to bond but that will have no lasting effects on the baby. As long as they're fed and warm, that is all their survival instincts will know of!

I didn’t bond at all with mine in utero. In fact even for the first few weeks of life it felt like she wasn’t really mine and I was just looking after her for someone else.
Youll be ok. Your midwife is crazy

Agree she sounds nutty. I’ll be honest and say I found most midwives’ advice nutty through my pregnancy and birth. I am not in the uk so might be different but where I am they all have their own ‘take’ on pregnancy and birth - a bit like yoga instructors - they all learn to teach ‘yoga’ but do it slightly differently depending on their own personal beliefs etc and I found the same with midwives and it didn’t sit well with me, made me really anxious - when it comes to medical situations in a medical setting I need factual advice! The book ‘expecting better’ is excellent if you are like me and need black and white info with no faffy in between. Because this sounds like faffy to me!! Just enjoy your pregnancy, take it easy, keep breathing. Best of luck & congratulations @GotSomethinCookin xo

Sounds like utter crap honestly.
I had a very bad pregnancy, and suffered with hyperemesis. I really resented being pregnant because it honestly was the worst I'd ever felt in my life, I'd vomit 20+ times daily and felt nauseous 24/7 until the day I gave birth. I felt absolutely no "connection" with my DD, never spoke to her, I'd occasionally put my hand on my tummy and she would kick my hand. But no really effort to connect, I was too flipping ill.
Fast forward to 20mo and she we are obsessed with each other, I think she's the best human that's ever graced this earth, and honestly she thinks the same about me.
I'm so sorry for you loss, I would imagine it's very hard to get through and you must worry all the time over this pregnancy, which must take up all your mental capacity. I wouldn't worry about trying to make a "connection" that comes after!

I’m sorry for your loss.

There are studies that connect antenatal maternal stress / depression with long term effects on children. I know because with my second child I had antenatal and postnatal depression brought on (in my view) by work stress. Fairly easy Google if you want to read them (I wouldn’t recommend it though).

Bonding (or not) with your bump is a key marker for how you’ll feel postnatally. Does it mean you’ll struggle bond or have PND, no, of course not. Does it mean you’re more likely to, yes.

But, I wouldn’t worry about it. You can’t control your emotions. Talking to your bump is weird, I found it easier once we’d picked a name.

I don’t think the midwife’s approach was helpful.

She's talking nonsense. Baby will learn your voice if you are going about your life as normal and makes no difference if you speak directly to them at all.

I saw a documentary that said that they recognise songs etc that you sing or listen to while pregnant and prefer them when they come out. Very well. However what they should have said is:

"... so when you're watching friends every day during pregnancy don't skip the theme tune. That way when they're born they'll go to sleep to "I'll be there for you" and you can continue your friends watching habits happily."

When you're in the thick of it you really don't want their preferred song to be twinkle twinkle fucking star.

I wouldn't do as MW suggested if you're not comfortable doing so, it won't help you or ease you if you simply don't think that way, especially after loss. The experience of plenty of people on here shows that you'll make that connection with your baby upon birth and that this blooms. Can you request a different MW if you feel that your differing philosophies are going to cause a schism as things progress?

I have not been where you are but I have had some twists in life and I now don't just assume that things will go right; I stay a step removed until events are upon me. It has to be this way. How you are feeling about this and dealing with this is your personal thought and coping process and it is completely valid; you need to be able to put one foot in front of the other and keep going for sometime yet and you need to be mentally in a space that will allow you to do it. Do what you need to do to get through and don't let the midwife tell you otherwise.

I’m with you OP. I never got all this bonding with your unborn baby. I think it’s natural to bond with the baby when it’s here so I don’t get the emphasis on things like this that seem silly. Everyone is different and if it works for them then fine but I don’t find it useful. It’s like women saying finding out the baby’s sex makes the bond stronger. Again don’t get it.

Is it possible that she has concerns about your mental health? Obviously she could just be bonkers- but it's always worth thinking whether there's more going on.

What did she say that in response to?

So you must get off your miscarriage/fear because the midwife decided it's time?

She sounds crap at support.

You should be playing whale sounds to your bump and also reading suitable books to it for 3 hours each day! Frankly, I'm shocked you didn't know this...

Your midwife is nuts, ignore her!

What nonsense. Baby will be listening to your voice but has no idea whether you're talking to them or not. Unless you're a mute, baby will be picking up on your voice all the time and will find comfort in this after birth. I think the only time I ever spoke to unborn DS was to ask him to please stop booting me in the ribs. Currently BFing him and we are very well bonded :)

You poor thing!

Midwife is talking crap. Phone community midwives and ask for a sane person, not the batshit crazy lady.

You are not alone in losing a baby. We all deal with it in our own ways as you must. Be gentle with yourself and don't let that lunatic cross your threshold.

I’m so sorry for your previous losses.

You’re right that the idea that your baby can absorb your thoughts about her/him or understand what you are saying in some way, or that your baby will develop a bond with you only if you speak to them directly while they are in the womb is batshittery.

But the idea that you might be better prepared for your baby and better able to bond if you feel positively about her/him now rather than remaining in a state of limbo until you give birth, may not be so dumb. And will probably make your pregnancy more enjoyable. I don’t think that’s the sort of thing where you can just start talking to the baby, though. You’d need to trust yourself/your body/fate/? again, which doesn’t sound easy.

Welcome to being a parent! This will be the first time of many times where people will make utterly ridiculous comments about what you are doing/feeling with complete conviction and no evidence to back them up. In this case you are right, it doesn't stand up to common sense.

Rest easy. Your midwife is completely batshit 🤣

So sorry for your loss.

xx

Midwife is bloody ridiculous. I was the same in a way OP, talked to my babies but it was pretty abstract as found it quite hard to believe there was actually a baby in there - even second time 😂Bond is fine.

Sure, talk to her. But her neural pathways will not be affected by your thoughts because although inside you she cannot actually read minds.

Point taken above re oxytocin but she's still massively overstating the case imo. She may just be trying to say reduce your stress and anxiety. But that's actually bloody unhelpful.

Just ignore OP.

But the mother doesn't have to speak particularly to the unborn child. They will hear voice when she speaks to others

I wonder if the midwife means it’s time to mentally connect with the reality of the baby. To start to “bond” with the baby in your own mind or something

And you and your babies bonded just fine

It's not acceptable to tell a women who has had multiple pregnancy losses and who is obviously anxious about her pregnancy that she needs to start talking to her not yet born child because it may damage them if she doesn't, which is basically what this mw is saying and is complete bollocks

It sounds bonkers but it is recommended in the baby books and was recommended to me by my MW. I didn't do it though.

My children and I bonded just fine.