Moving miles away from parent in care home

Go for it op and don’t look back 💐

You looked after your dm for 10 years and your siblings are calling you selfish?!! They’re projecting their own self-absorption onto you. You and your dh should go and live your lives. It’s what your dm would want. You’re still planning to see her on a regular basis, anyway, even from 200 mikes away, so you have nothing to feel guilty about. She is safe and cared for, with 3 other adult children to keep an eye on things at the care home, which is what would concern me most in your position, if there were no other relatives to hand - but there are!

Go without a second thought. Enjoy the life that you have because tomorrow is not guaranteed. Your mother may not know when you last visited and she might not know who you are. Her care will not be compromised at all by your move.

Your siblings are spouting hot air, put them out of sight and out of mind as they did with you during covid.

I live overseas and my mom had to go into a care home when my dad died. It was difficult as I'm an only child but I couldn't move a family of 4 back to the UK - so to keep us close, I set up a digital photo frame for her which I kept topped up with photos via a website, and arranged for the care home to set up a video conference call every week. This may be less helpful if/when she doesn't recognise you, but it helped us enormously.

Go for it, tell your sibs it's time they now stepped
Up

Please go.
Your can still visit but you deserve some life too

Absolutely go for it. Depending on what stage your mum is at the care home can help facilitate video calls or phone calls. Sending postcards is a good way to keep contact and I'm sure the carehome will also print out and help her read emails.

If she is further down the journey then she won't know how often you visit, just that you do visit.

I’d go - your parent is safe and being cared for by the look of things and you wouldn’t be abandoning them, just making adjustments to how much contact you have. Your siblings are projecting and don’t have your interests at heart.
FWIW, my brother will always help our mum if she needs, as do I, and we had a situation a couple of years ago where I temporarily ended up as a (extra) carer for her. She didn’t want me to go back home, but my brother encouraged me to go.

Go and live your life.

Your siblings don't get to decide what you and your husband do.

My sister and her husband are planning to move away soon. My Dad is still fit and healthy at 88, we're happy for them to have a change of life at nearly 60. If your Mum has dementia she won't even know you've moved, I think it's time for your next chapter, good luck.

As always, first post nailed it.
No brainer.
My parents were emotionally abusive (in another country), as soon as I could I moved away.
Father long time dead, mother as lonely as a fence post back "home".
You only have one life for yourself, on top you didn't choose it.
So live it the way it suits you.
Full stop. 😊

You have done your time - they are probably scared that they will now be called on to do something, other than their 'duty' visits, as you have been the convenient, conscientious, helpful one, always there to deal with everything.

It is time for you to be free and live your life as you want and put you and your husband first @DazedandConfusedbyPolitics

I feel strongly about this as I was the go to for years and I wish I put my foot down sooner, my Parents have both died now and I feel resentment towards my siblings.

You have done more than your fair share. If your siblings have the gall to say anything negative to you, ask them what they've done for your parent over the last ten years? And how does that compare with what you've done? Now your parent will be looked after by someone else (the care home), they're still spared from having to put themselves out any more than they have over the last ten years. Why do they think they can judge you?!

To be fair, I don't see how you can not take this opportunity, as it would be punishing your DH unreasonably. He deserves this too, doesn't he. Do it, you both deserve this chance to improve your lives.

This is such a lovely post. Absolutely do this. You’ve gone above and beyond for 10 years.

Go!

Your siblings are projecting because they've been selfish and it suits them you doing all the work. They assumed you would continue doing it forever and relied on it.

Your life is as valuable as theirs! Go!

Some of my family used to complain if god forbid they had to step up every now and then because they were busy! Oh right, so a single working parent (me) isn't!

Go!

@TootGoesTheOwl well I don't have a husband so looks like I'm doomed to do what everyone else tells me to for life 😀😀😀

Please go. I could see your dilemma if you were an only child, but you have siblings. Time to live YOUR life.

I think you’ve done huge amounts, and your parent would want the best for you. I would go.
Siblings can do extra visits if they feel so strongly about it.

Grab this opportunity with both hands and go.
Go and live a wonderful new life and be happy

Go.

(Buy your mum an iPad or tablet. If you arrange with staff to FaceTime at a certain time they can help at her end.)

Go and live your life, OP. Also, time to get angry with your siblings. How dare they suggest you are selfish when they've done so little in comparison!

I have recently had to support an elderly relative being admitted to a care home. A friend of mine said to me to see it as another phase of their lives, so I think that means you grab your opportunities because this is a new phase of your life too

Go, what a wonderful opportunity to your age. So often chances like this don't happen later on in your career.

@DazedandConfusedbyPolitics time for your siblings to step up to the saucer!! you did all the plate work so you can go safe in the mind that you have done your stint!