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Moving miles away from parent in care home

85 replies

DazedandConfusedbyPolitics · 14/06/2024 21:24

My parent has dementia, is bed bound and in full time care for the last 9 months. I looked after said parent for 10 years, on my own through Covid and after. I now have the opportunity to move 200 miles away for my husbands new job, and live in an area that is much nicer than where we are now. I'd still visit parent, probably monthly rather than weekly, and phone often.

My siblings, 3 of them, who have done little to help over the years, are telling me I'm selfish to "abandon" our parent. They also visit parent every week. I'm the youngest of 4, will be 63 in September and really would like some time for DH and I to do our own thing for a while.

AIBU/selfish? I'm not going to get any younger, parent is showing every sign of outliving all offspring! and has 3 other kids, not just me. Husband has said his acceptance of job is up to me but I know its his last chance (because of our age) to do something he's always wanted, even if only for a few years.

Sorry long and rambling post. Thank you if you've got this far.

OP posts:
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TheSandgroper · 24/06/2024 03:27

TootGoesTheOwl · 15/06/2024 07:19

Really? If you want someone to take notice of what you are saying you get your husband to make the point for you?
I certainly wouldn't 'obey' someone just because they are a man! That's insane.
Perhaps people would listen to your point more if you stopped speaking through your husband.

Well, yes. I don’t like saying it but I live in the world we have. Sometimes, if what you are doing doesn’t work, a different method of getting your message across is required.

To wit (JK Rowling, Hilary Cass, Helen Staniland, Karyn Lisignoli, Katherine Deves, Rosie Duffield, Joanna Cherry, Elaine Miller, Maya Forstater, Stella O’Malley, Riley Gaines, Lynne Pinches, Megyn Kelly et al) DO NOT EQUAL one Tony Blair.

zingally · 23/06/2024 11:57

I'm another one with a useless sibling. We should start a club!

Definitely go for it OP! I think you've certainly done more than your fair share already.
And, saying this with love AND experience, once someone with dementia gets to the bed-bound stage, honestly, you're not looking at much more time anyway. We're talking weeks and months. Certainly not years.

WearyAuldWumman · 23/06/2024 11:28

DazedandConfusedbyPolitics · 14/06/2024 21:24

My parent has dementia, is bed bound and in full time care for the last 9 months. I looked after said parent for 10 years, on my own through Covid and after. I now have the opportunity to move 200 miles away for my husbands new job, and live in an area that is much nicer than where we are now. I'd still visit parent, probably monthly rather than weekly, and phone often.

My siblings, 3 of them, who have done little to help over the years, are telling me I'm selfish to "abandon" our parent. They also visit parent every week. I'm the youngest of 4, will be 63 in September and really would like some time for DH and I to do our own thing for a while.

AIBU/selfish? I'm not going to get any younger, parent is showing every sign of outliving all offspring! and has 3 other kids, not just me. Husband has said his acceptance of job is up to me but I know its his last chance (because of our age) to do something he's always wanted, even if only for a few years.

Sorry long and rambling post. Thank you if you've got this far.

64 yr old here. I'm an only child so did all the caring - first for my parents and then for my late husband.

You've done your bit, OP. Once a month is fine. Your siblings are pissed off because they'll have to step up and be the main contacts now.

Go have your life. You're entitled to it.

ETA Also missed the update.

Keepingongoing · 23/06/2024 11:26

Thanks so much for the update @DazedandConfusedbyPolitics, excellent news! Wishing you all the best with your move and DHs new job.

saraclara · 23/06/2024 08:20

Oops. Missed a page! I'm glad that they realised that for themselves (albeit grudgingly). Great result!

saraclara · 23/06/2024 08:19

"I looked after mum on my own for 10 years while you got to live your lives without that responsibility. Now it's my turn to live mine"

Iloveacurry · 23/06/2024 08:00

Well done op, that’s amazing.

Dontjudgeme101 · 23/06/2024 07:44

Wonderful update op.💐💐💐

determinedtomakethiswork · 19/06/2024 08:57

I would remind my siblings about those 10 years you spent caring on your own and then I would pack my bags and go. It's not so far away that you couldn't go more often than once a month if your mum became ill

Startingagainandagain · 19/06/2024 08:54

Well done OP! wishing you all the best with your new life. :)

donttellthem · 19/06/2024 07:43

This is such lovely news thank you for the update. Wishing you every happiness.

Twotimesrhymes · 16/06/2024 10:40

Enjoy the next chapter of your life op and husband ❤️

Kaleidoscope101 · 16/06/2024 09:26

Wonderful update. Well done OP.

yumyumyumy · 16/06/2024 03:50

Congratulations and enjoy this next step. I can't get over the audacity of your siblings!

MariaVT65 · 16/06/2024 02:20

Definitely move. I wouldn’t want me children looking after me and restricting their life like that.

Many people including myself also already live hours from their parents anyway.

novocaine4thesoul · 16/06/2024 02:17

Great update OP, and well done - it it is the right thing. Thank you also to @Lillieloola for the first hand practicalities of it all. My mum has Dementia / Alzheimers, and although she is still just about living at home because my Dad is there and we live down the road, I know she has no recollection at all of anything recent - even whether we are there or not, or even if she has been the loo. It is a horrible disease, and you sound like you have done more than your fair share. You absolutely deserve your chance ,xxx

Lillieloola · 16/06/2024 01:44

I work in a care home . Can honestly say that relatives living far away doesn’t impact the residents. As long as you are a phone call away all will be ok.

Myfluffyblanket · 16/06/2024 01:34

What a lovely update , OP . Wishing you both all the very best .

Auntimabelsbudgie · 16/06/2024 01:27

Excellent! Wishing you every happiness

andyourpointiswhat · 16/06/2024 01:23

So glad to read the update, I was about to post “you should go”. Enjoy your new life.

Enko · 16/06/2024 01:16

Wonderful update

Catsmere · 15/06/2024 22:48

Wonderful, OP, well done!

Aligirlbear · 15/06/2024 20:48

Excellent news for you and DH. Time for your new adventure together - enjoy 🙂

Pumpituppump · 15/06/2024 19:23

Go. You’ve done more than your bit.

Keepthosenamesgoing · 15/06/2024 19:16

That's great OP!