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Original poster

to think that my retired DH's expectations of me are unfair?

294 replies

ZoraTheGrey · 14/06/2024 15:21

I am really unsure about which, if either of us, is being unreasonable and would welcome views.

My DH is about 20 years older than me. I knew all along that this age difference would bite at some point but underestimated how much his retiring would affect us. He is in his early sixties and retired from his NHS job a few months ago with a decent but not-amazing pension. I am in my early forties and work for the NHS full time in a patient-facing role. We have a 10 year old DD together who is starting secondary school soon.

DH says he really misses me now I'm still working and he isn't. If I am ever back from work late or need to do extra things in the evenings / weekends (pretty unavoidable in my job but I'm not doing a great deal of extra), he gets upset. He wants us to keep almost all weekends and evenings ringfenced as time for us as a couple or to spend with our daughter (he has no issue with her doing clubs and seeing her friends, which is good, but he doesn't like it if I see a friend or want to do an activity alone like going for a run). He doesn't like it when we visit my family or his and tries to put strict time limits on this. If I go off to do anything without him he wants a hard deadline for my return and will sometimes ring me to say he missed me and wishes I'd come home sooner. He says things like 'I hardly ever get to see you' and 'we need quality time.'

I love DH and love spending time with him but I find this all too much. We live a lot closer to his family than mine so his restrictions on how much time we can spend visiting other people or having guests over really limit how much I see my DD and siblings. I haven't been able to keep up with friends really as even taking a phone call from one is met with disappointed looks from DH.

Things I've tried so far: agreeing to ringfence certain days of the week for exclusively spending time with him and DD when I'm not working (and no phonecalls); regular date nights at gigs, cinema etc; asking for flexible hours so I can have half a day a week off to spend with DH in exchange for starting my other days earlier; massively cutting down on my contact with friends; dropping out of a running group I used to attend weekly (that hurt); doing almost all ferrying of DD to weekend clubs and parties to make up for DH doing it so much in the week.

Something I haven't tried: going part-time. We could just about afford it. I guess the truth is - and here is the crux of why I might be the unreasonable one here - I don't really want to. I love my job and want to keep progressing in it.

In case it's relevant I'll add that:

  • DH is a wonderful dad and has always done loads with DD; he now handles school drop off and pick ups almost every day.
  • We share housework fairly equally but he does cook more than me and has been doing some bigger house repair things himself recently. He tells me he has no complaints with how much I contribute to housework etc (although frankly this has always been an area where I have room to up my game).
  • DH has lots of mates and also family living close by; I encourage him to do things 1:1 with them sometimes or just him and DD with his family once in a while but he usually says he doesn't want to - he's rather be with me. I have even suggested he could go away abroad with friends but he says he doesn't want to.
  • Money isnt a factor restricting what he can do that much as he has far more in savings than me and now that I'm the only earner, I've made it clear that I'm still happy for him to spend our joint money as he sees fit. I don't see that as his or mine.
  • DH is far from lazy but doesn't have a hobby he's really into, which probably contributes to him feeling restless and isolated.

That was exhausting to write and probably worse to read so if you've got this far, thank you and I await your judgement! I am worrying for the future of my marriage and whether I'll have to choose between this and having my own life at all.

You are being unreasonable - you should have more empathy for your DH's position and spend more time with him.

You are not being unreasonable - you shouldn't have to give up your own hobbies and friends to spend all non-working time with your DH.

OP posts:
Frasers · 14/06/2024 20:46

This level of clinginess and neediness would drive me potty. You need to speak to him, say you’re rejoining running, you will see your friends and family, it is not life solely on his terms, and explain if he continues like this he will drive you away

Powderblue1 · 14/06/2024 20:44

YANBU and it's really sad you felt you needed to give up your running club.

I would say if he is retired and you're full time, he should be doing all school runs and all housework during the week.

Has he considered working part time? It sounds like he needs something to occupy him.

mitogoshi · 14/06/2024 20:43

He needs a hobby/volunteer/part time job!

Motherofcats300786 · 14/06/2024 20:40

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Honestly. Why is this relevant to what OP asked??

justasking111 · 14/06/2024 20:39

BasilParsley · 14/06/2024 18:21

@ZoraTheGrey do you have a Men's Shed near you? If so, I recommend you encourage him to join it - I hear nothing but good about the association and how it really helps those who attend it... They get to tinker with things and repair things and chat with other blokes while they do it....

https://menssheds.org.uk/

There's two near us. They look interesting.

Barney16 · 14/06/2024 20:38

You aren't the entertainer or the entertainment. He sounds extremely needy and egocentric. If your best friend what you describe in your OP what would your advice to her be?

SeriaMau · 14/06/2024 20:33

Leave him. You deserve so much better than this.

Seeingadistance · 14/06/2024 20:33

FoodieToo · 14/06/2024 15:54

I would reinstate my life and if he had a problem I would divorce him .

Yep. This.

CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease · 14/06/2024 20:25

Have you spoken to him very frankly about how this is making you feel. You have listed lots of things you’ve done to try to improve things but not really said anything about discussing it.

He needs to know that by trying to pull you closer, he’s pushing you away. Nobody wants to feel suffocated like that.

Ellie56 · 14/06/2024 20:21

OMG he sounds like an insufferable twat.

Do not give up your job.

Do not give up your friends.

Do not give up seeing your family.

Do not give up your hobbies and as PP have said, go back to your running club.

If you are working full time he should be doing all the housework and life admin. And then he needs to find other things to occupy himself with instead of expecting you to entertain him all the time. A part time job, volunteering, joining a gym, a walking club, golf, whatever.

Don't put up with his shit a moment longer or it will get worse.

Clementine1513 · 14/06/2024 20:21

So he retired relatively young with seemingly no plan on what to do with his life and you’re okay with him spaffing away “his” savings to keep himself entertained when he’s not trying to get you to cut out all joy and purpose from your life just because he’s bored?

Will your poor daughter get any inheritance from her father or will he have spent it on keeping himself busy?

Hidingthegoodchocolate · 14/06/2024 20:17

Do NOT go part time when you don't want to - you'd be sacrificing your future pension.

Runsyd · 14/06/2024 20:16

I honestly can't bring myself to type anything polite about your DH, OP He's utterly pathetic, and selfish to boot.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 14/06/2024 20:16

Chonny · 14/06/2024 15:27

YANBU!!

He needs to do 100% of your DDs drops etc and all house & admin work to then free up your time if he's so insistent on dictating your time.

Do you think he's panicking about his own heathy life span /mortality.

That's actually what my dad does. School runs aside because we're both adults. But he retired early and mum still works part time. On her working days he does all the housework and anything that needs sorting. Then on her days off they do things together. They both also have their individual things, but they're happiest together so it works out well.

@ZoraTheGrey that's what he needs to do. Fill his time while you're busy with all the "home" stuff and his friends/family and then you'll have extra free time to be together.

AloeVerity · 14/06/2024 20:11

I was going to write something more balanced and considered, but honestly? Bin him off, find yourself a nice fit 35 year old toy boy and enjoy the rest of your life! You’re statistically only halfway through and it isn’t a dress rehearsal!

jessycake · 14/06/2024 20:02

I suppose it has dawned on him that by the time you are retired he will be to old to enjoy doing much as a retired couple , and he has lots of time to dwell on it .

katepilar · 14/06/2024 19:55

Serriadh · 14/06/2024 17:20

If you get decent holiday allowance from work and money isn’t too much of an issue, get him onto planning holidays? Lovely family time for you all to look forward to and a bit of life admin you can probably do without! It won’t fill all his time but perhaps it will give him something to look forward to.

How many holidays would they need to plan to fill this mans free time? It is hours every day.

TeaGinandFags · 14/06/2024 19:40

You're going to have to put your foot down. Or getva dog. Or get him a hobby.

You ate entitled to pursue a career and have a social life. Just because he's feeling lonely doesn't give him the right to commandeer your free time.

If he's as good as you say.them tell him, not us.

REignbow · 14/06/2024 19:38

I also think that he will say that you are being unreasonable and disguise it as loving you so much, hence why he’s asked X, Y and Z.

You are your own person and what you have stated is not unreasonable.

Concentrate on showing your daughter that this is not acceptable. You are not a child or his employee.

Livelovebehappy · 14/06/2024 19:26

He clearly wasn’t ready for retirement. So many people retire early, like mid 50s upwards, and unless they’ve got hobbies or a wife who is also retired so they can go on holidays and breaks, then it’s always going to be hard. Can’t you try get him into a volunteering job, like driving for charities or something?

REignbow · 14/06/2024 19:24

I agree with PP.

He is being controlling and this is not a healthy relationship.

It sounds suffocating.

The sulking, nagging the demanding is abusive behaviour. He’s coercing you to do what he wants..

You are only in your early 40’s!

6pence · 14/06/2024 19:08

are you going to have a big discussion with him or just gradually reintroduce stuff?

Blueblell · 14/06/2024 19:07

Sounds like he has retired to early!

bowlingalleyblues · 14/06/2024 19:07

His life has changed, he’s retired. Yet you’re the one that is having to change your entire life. It’s really unreasonable of him not to anything to adapt to his life change.

CracklingLogsGalore · 14/06/2024 19:05

Sorry but fuck all that with bells on. You are not his caretaker, his mother or his entertainer. If he’s bored he can go back to work, you should not be cutting your friends and family off for a man baby - and one that’s more than old enough to realise what a manipulative abusive twat he’s acting like to boot!

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