to think that my retired DH's expectations of me are unfair?

He’s bored, he needs a hobby, not you to be there st his whim. Do not curtail your life for him, he is being unreasonable expecting you to.

you need a chat

He is awful, you must do more without him.
He can volunteeer !
Otherwise you are looking down the barel of another 30 years of doom.
Thank god I'm single , . . .

@ZoraTheGrey your feelings are perfectly reasonable but it is common for retirement to hit some people like this. It is only a few months and is a massive change. He is also maybe feeling that he is worthless as you are still working. I think communication is key. My OH is retired and my career is on the up but he keeps himself busy and has lots of his own friends and interests. I think talk to him about how this is making you feel but also give it time.

He needs therapy to work out what hole he needs your constant presence to fill. That should take a lot of his time if he dedicates himself to it!

It's just awful that you're giving up your identity and the things that bring you joy. And it's unbelievable he expects you to share housework 50/50 and do as much childcare as you do when you work and he's a sahd of a 10 year old!

Please work on this together so you can model a healthy relationship to your daughter so the pattern doesn't repeat yet again. And so that you can have another happy couple of decades ahead of you as a couple. Good luck x

Could he get a part-time job? Nothing too taxing, but enough to keep him occupied, He sounds bored and is making it your job to entertain him.

Like PP, I felt suffocated just reading this. I honestly don’t know how you are living in this horrible controlled and restricted way.

Why has he retired so early? Can he go back to work?

I don’t see this marriage lasting tbh. You aren’t his Entertainment Unit.

Firm words and he scales his shit right back or LTB.

Imagine being early 60’s and doing school drop off and pick ups, as a parent and not a grandparent..

Do not reduce your working hours.

Maybe your mental illness was the result of being a boiled frog.

How old were you when you got together OP?

My husband also in early 60s and has taken early retirement. I need to still work as 5 years younger . He does not constrict me in any way from doing activities or stop me from seeing friends. Your husband sounds unreasonable and controlling.

He's male and he's older than you. Chances are, he's going to die first. I can see the argument for him wanting to spend as much quality time with you and you wanting to do the same.

However, he's taking this to the point where it's utterly stifling. If you live your life the way he thinks you should, you're not going to miss him when he's gone, and that's even worse than grief.

Retiring is a really big change for him, and you might need to change some small parts of your life now that's happened, but you absolutely should not be bailing on friends and family because he doesn't want you to socialise with anyone other than him. You are his partner in life - not his comfort blanket.

If he finds a bit more independence, it will be better for your relationship in the long run. As I said, the aim is that when one of you dies, the other is devastated. Not the the other is punching the air with glee to get her life back. he's pushing in a dangerous direction.

Wow, I feel suffocated just reading that @ZoraTheGrey . It’s not you, he’s way too needy. You need to put a stop to this madness right away.

This is exactly on point, and absolutely spot on.
I have seen so many men retire and they fall to pieces. I believe it is something to do with a routine that is no longer present.
Even if he was doing one day a week it would help him.
The demands he is making on you is worrying though, ship him back to work asap.

Keep your work hours and your job. Rejoin the running club. See your friends. He needs to find an activity. How about a college course? There’s lots to do. He will adjust to being retired.

If you enjoy your job don't drop part time, works so good for our mental health x

Retirement can be a shock even if planned and takes a lot of adjustments. Maybe that's part of it?

I say this out of concern for you and your daughter, OP. Something absolutely needs to change here. You're role modelling this kind of controlling relationship as normal to her. How will you feel if your daughter is in a relationship like yours when she's older and her partner were to severely isolate her from you, like your husband is doing with your family? Please start showing her that it is not acceptable for your partner to dictate how you live your life to this level!
Please please also start reading up about controlling and coercive relationships, as others have suggested, and really open your eyes that this relationship is absolutely not healthy for you (and for daughter to observe).

You know the answer to this.

How would you feel if a man was doing this to your daughter? Doesn’t matter about the other good bits. You need to feel free to be you. Tell him this.

He’s being way too needy. Not attractive and very worrying. Your daughter is quietly learning all of this which is even worse.

I’m confident you can sort this out.

Could you do 4 days a week?

I can see the imbalance. And that day would be for YOU not for him. You could see friends, run, go and see your family, stay overnight.

A full-time job for anyone is a lot of working generally. If you do 4 days, suddenly you get 50% extra time on the weekend than currently.

And I think 4 days a week is just healthy for everyone - not just you. It's a more balanced life all round but if you do it, you MUST ring-fence that day for you. It sounds like you are already fully committed to him over the weekend and this would allow you to keep your health, your friends, your family but having this day for yourself.

What he does on the other 5 days of the week is his problem. You both have a weekend together - that is enough time with each other while you are fit and healthy 40 something. He must accept that he needs to fill his life with something/someone other than you.

When I read how you’ve set aside family time and date nights I thought fair enough those are good compromises and ways to spend quality time. Then you moved into changing your working hours to spend half a day with your DH, giving up running club, cutting down on time with friends and family and I baulked. Sacrificing those things because your DH cant cope on his own is crazy! Then talking about going part time is even worse. Please don’t do that and get back to your running club and spending time with friends and family (unlimited) asap! This is not your issue to fix, you’re being fair and reasonable, he is not and he needs to realise that or he’ll end up driving you away because your life will end up being nothing but him. He’s not being fair to you.

He’s lost a big aspect of his life and wants you to fill it - don’t! It is not your responsibility and it could be very unhealthy for your relationship especially if it involves you sacrificing big parts of your life. He can fill it - hobbies, projects, friends, volunteer work, whatever but it’s his responsibility to fill the gap he feels

I’d be cutting my losses and getting out of this marriage, before his control gets even worse and you’re trapped into becoming his carer.

It sounds a deeply unhealthy relationship and he’s far, far too old for you.

In 20 years you could be enjoying a fabulous retirement with someone nearer your own age.

Maybe he could take up cycling or golf. These are very consuming apparently from all the threads of women fed up with their partners never being there.

He needs to 'get a life' so he is not dependent on you for his entertainment (and fundamentally that is what it is). He is being incredibly lazy not finding his own entertainment/something constructive to do eg clubs, U3A, volunteering, part time job, gym. My DH retired a few years before me and immediately joined U3A and got involved in various activities through that (music concerts, walks, learning a language), he also joined a local bridge club, and a gym that he goes to about 3 times a week. It would have been hopeless to rely on me for company as i often worked away.