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Original poster

to think that my retired DH's expectations of me are unfair?

294 replies

ZoraTheGrey · 14/06/2024 15:21

I am really unsure about which, if either of us, is being unreasonable and would welcome views.

My DH is about 20 years older than me. I knew all along that this age difference would bite at some point but underestimated how much his retiring would affect us. He is in his early sixties and retired from his NHS job a few months ago with a decent but not-amazing pension. I am in my early forties and work for the NHS full time in a patient-facing role. We have a 10 year old DD together who is starting secondary school soon.

DH says he really misses me now I'm still working and he isn't. If I am ever back from work late or need to do extra things in the evenings / weekends (pretty unavoidable in my job but I'm not doing a great deal of extra), he gets upset. He wants us to keep almost all weekends and evenings ringfenced as time for us as a couple or to spend with our daughter (he has no issue with her doing clubs and seeing her friends, which is good, but he doesn't like it if I see a friend or want to do an activity alone like going for a run). He doesn't like it when we visit my family or his and tries to put strict time limits on this. If I go off to do anything without him he wants a hard deadline for my return and will sometimes ring me to say he missed me and wishes I'd come home sooner. He says things like 'I hardly ever get to see you' and 'we need quality time.'

I love DH and love spending time with him but I find this all too much. We live a lot closer to his family than mine so his restrictions on how much time we can spend visiting other people or having guests over really limit how much I see my DD and siblings. I haven't been able to keep up with friends really as even taking a phone call from one is met with disappointed looks from DH.

Things I've tried so far: agreeing to ringfence certain days of the week for exclusively spending time with him and DD when I'm not working (and no phonecalls); regular date nights at gigs, cinema etc; asking for flexible hours so I can have half a day a week off to spend with DH in exchange for starting my other days earlier; massively cutting down on my contact with friends; dropping out of a running group I used to attend weekly (that hurt); doing almost all ferrying of DD to weekend clubs and parties to make up for DH doing it so much in the week.

Something I haven't tried: going part-time. We could just about afford it. I guess the truth is - and here is the crux of why I might be the unreasonable one here - I don't really want to. I love my job and want to keep progressing in it.

In case it's relevant I'll add that:

  • DH is a wonderful dad and has always done loads with DD; he now handles school drop off and pick ups almost every day.
  • We share housework fairly equally but he does cook more than me and has been doing some bigger house repair things himself recently. He tells me he has no complaints with how much I contribute to housework etc (although frankly this has always been an area where I have room to up my game).
  • DH has lots of mates and also family living close by; I encourage him to do things 1:1 with them sometimes or just him and DD with his family once in a while but he usually says he doesn't want to - he's rather be with me. I have even suggested he could go away abroad with friends but he says he doesn't want to.
  • Money isnt a factor restricting what he can do that much as he has far more in savings than me and now that I'm the only earner, I've made it clear that I'm still happy for him to spend our joint money as he sees fit. I don't see that as his or mine.
  • DH is far from lazy but doesn't have a hobby he's really into, which probably contributes to him feeling restless and isolated.

That was exhausting to write and probably worse to read so if you've got this far, thank you and I await your judgement! I am worrying for the future of my marriage and whether I'll have to choose between this and having my own life at all.

You are being unreasonable - you should have more empathy for your DH's position and spend more time with him.

You are not being unreasonable - you shouldn't have to give up your own hobbies and friends to spend all non-working time with your DH.

OP posts:
6pence · 16/06/2024 09:03

I have to say my feelings have changed over the course of this thread. I too, thought he was totally unreasonable etc, but now I do agree that he’s never going to get a fun retirement with his wife as he normally would, as he’ll be too old and inactive by the time she retires. However, that doesn’t mean she should give up her friends, family and hobbies.

He should be doing all the child running about, at weekends too, and all the housework so that the op can then do fun things with him, instead of spending her time doing that.
Op, is it possible to reduce your hours, so you still work but get a little bit more time with him? Keep up extra pension contributions though. Don’t do this if he doesn’t agree to to the chores etc. Buy back some extra holiday perhaps?

However you decide to handle this op, please do not lose contact with people and doing stuff you enjoy doing. Your dh’s needs are not more important than your needs.

justasking111 · 16/06/2024 08:56

Someone I know who had married a much older man. He became housebound a decade by his death. She became his carer. Luckily he was quite wealthy they sold the big house in the country and bought a small place, spent money adapting it for him.

I think @ZoraTheGrey career could be cut short anyway.

Grammarnut · 16/06/2024 08:03

petalsandstars · 15/06/2024 12:55

My DH will retire earlier than me due to the nature of his job - although we are the same age. And it is still a good few years away. He does make noises about spending all day in his pjs when he’s retired which are shot down by me. He has displayed similar traits of not wanting me to see friends and getting grumpy about me going to a hobby which I have continued to do and I have had no qualms in telling him I don’t intend to be a hermit and he shouldn’t either.
don’t make your life so small that it is only him in it - controlling you because he has nothing else to do is not a happy life for you

None of you seem to realise the OP's DH will die before she retires. He would like to spend time with her and DD before he becomes too old to enjoy it. OP will have plenty of time for her interests when she is - inevitably - a fairly young widow.

pinkyspromises · 16/06/2024 07:54

I can’t believe he has retired at such a young age when he has a young wife and child .

pinkyspromises · 16/06/2024 07:52

This is his problem to solve. Not yours

he needs a retirement job, voluntary work or hobby. Or
all three

FindingNeverland28 · 16/06/2024 06:50

YANBU
He’s bored. It isn’t your job to keep him entertained. Id rejoin that running club if I were you.
something to consider as well, you mentioned the possibility of going part time. Doing this would massively impact your pension.

shehasglasses48 · 15/06/2024 22:38

Sounds like lovely marriage

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 15/06/2024 22:15

He is only a few months into retirement and I know a few older relatives who didn't 'find their retired feet' for a while after they stopped work.

This. DH really struggled at first. He felt as though he had no worth. He was never like OP's husband, I couldn't have coped with that, but I was worried about his mental health. Once he found his feet and settled he was fine, although he still misses working.

Toptops · 15/06/2024 22:10

AddersAtDawn · 14/06/2024 15:30

You married a man much older you you, knowing you would be at different life stages. That is true. BUT he married a woman much younger than him and should have expected the same.

I wouldn't think it fair if you tried to get him to live like a 40-50 year old man and it is not fair he is trying to get you to live like you are retired.

The only thing I would say is to hold firm. He is only a few months into retirement and I know a few older relatives who didn't 'find their retired feet' for a while after they stopped work. You cannot be his retirement entertainment and he needs to understand that and find what else he wants to fill his days with.

This.
I think you know the answer to your question.
Good luck

KnittingSister · 15/06/2024 20:18

Have you done your VAWG (violence against women and girls) training OP? I see a lot of similarities here, even though you haven't mentioned violence. Good luck.

Grammarnut · 15/06/2024 19:40

Jack80 · 15/06/2024 19:09

Can't he volunteer in the day while your at work

He could, I daresay, but he wants to spend what he knows are his last years with his wife. Men die earlier than women and a man in his early sixties has ten good years, probably and maybe a couple or so when he is finding things more difficult. That's his problem, not loneliness or boredom.

Grammarnut · 15/06/2024 19:38

ZoraTheGrey · 14/06/2024 15:21

I am really unsure about which, if either of us, is being unreasonable and would welcome views.

My DH is about 20 years older than me. I knew all along that this age difference would bite at some point but underestimated how much his retiring would affect us. He is in his early sixties and retired from his NHS job a few months ago with a decent but not-amazing pension. I am in my early forties and work for the NHS full time in a patient-facing role. We have a 10 year old DD together who is starting secondary school soon.

DH says he really misses me now I'm still working and he isn't. If I am ever back from work late or need to do extra things in the evenings / weekends (pretty unavoidable in my job but I'm not doing a great deal of extra), he gets upset. He wants us to keep almost all weekends and evenings ringfenced as time for us as a couple or to spend with our daughter (he has no issue with her doing clubs and seeing her friends, which is good, but he doesn't like it if I see a friend or want to do an activity alone like going for a run). He doesn't like it when we visit my family or his and tries to put strict time limits on this. If I go off to do anything without him he wants a hard deadline for my return and will sometimes ring me to say he missed me and wishes I'd come home sooner. He says things like 'I hardly ever get to see you' and 'we need quality time.'

I love DH and love spending time with him but I find this all too much. We live a lot closer to his family than mine so his restrictions on how much time we can spend visiting other people or having guests over really limit how much I see my DD and siblings. I haven't been able to keep up with friends really as even taking a phone call from one is met with disappointed looks from DH.

Things I've tried so far: agreeing to ringfence certain days of the week for exclusively spending time with him and DD when I'm not working (and no phonecalls); regular date nights at gigs, cinema etc; asking for flexible hours so I can have half a day a week off to spend with DH in exchange for starting my other days earlier; massively cutting down on my contact with friends; dropping out of a running group I used to attend weekly (that hurt); doing almost all ferrying of DD to weekend clubs and parties to make up for DH doing it so much in the week.

Something I haven't tried: going part-time. We could just about afford it. I guess the truth is - and here is the crux of why I might be the unreasonable one here - I don't really want to. I love my job and want to keep progressing in it.

In case it's relevant I'll add that:

  • DH is a wonderful dad and has always done loads with DD; he now handles school drop off and pick ups almost every day.
  • We share housework fairly equally but he does cook more than me and has been doing some bigger house repair things himself recently. He tells me he has no complaints with how much I contribute to housework etc (although frankly this has always been an area where I have room to up my game).
  • DH has lots of mates and also family living close by; I encourage him to do things 1:1 with them sometimes or just him and DD with his family once in a while but he usually says he doesn't want to - he's rather be with me. I have even suggested he could go away abroad with friends but he says he doesn't want to.
  • Money isnt a factor restricting what he can do that much as he has far more in savings than me and now that I'm the only earner, I've made it clear that I'm still happy for him to spend our joint money as he sees fit. I don't see that as his or mine.
  • DH is far from lazy but doesn't have a hobby he's really into, which probably contributes to him feeling restless and isolated.

That was exhausting to write and probably worse to read so if you've got this far, thank you and I await your judgement! I am worrying for the future of my marriage and whether I'll have to choose between this and having my own life at all.

You are being unreasonable - you should have more empathy for your DH's position and spend more time with him.

You are not being unreasonable - you shouldn't have to give up your own hobbies and friends to spend all non-working time with your DH.

Bear in mind that he will die before you retire - inevitable if he is in his sixties and you in your forties. He wants to spend time with you while he has time and energy. I sympathise. If the roles were reversed would you not want to have as much time as possible with the person you love? You probably have fifteen good years ahead and another five or so when he is more dependant, if he is in early sixties. Make the most of the time you have. You will have many years to be with friends and family, I assure you - just as I have.

Jack80 · 15/06/2024 19:09

Can't he volunteer in the day while your at work

TrixieMixie · 15/06/2024 19:00

Retirement is a huge transition but you need to nip this in the bud. You also need to realise you are the one with the power now. You’re younger, you have a job - he’s not in a position to lay down the law.
You could dump him and find someone your own age, but it would be much harder for him to find someone as good as you. Sorry to be so blunt but that’s how it is. If he doesn’t want to be a lonely old man he needs to shape up.
You don’t want to squander your prime years becoming prematurely old to please him then end up a widow at 60 with no career, no friends and no life of your own. Good luck

Yourcatisnotsorry · 15/06/2024 18:29

Can you find him some hobbies or interests or even a part time role?
without being morbid, you’ll likely have 30 years without him you will need your friends, don’t drop them.

SashaPicklepops · 15/06/2024 18:23

You shouldn't have to give up things for partner, tell him to get a part time job, do voluntary work, a new hobby, decorate the house and do gardening, get a dog, write a book, so much he could do, sit and write a list with him, and help him find something suitable, he's probably feeling lost after retiring, and just hasn't found a way to fill his days, and you need to go back to running and meeting your friends. Good luck op. X

BeanCountingContinues · 15/06/2024 15:53

ZoraTheGrey · 14/06/2024 22:16

I really do agree. I think he's scared. I will add that he is brilliant fun so the time with him is generally really enjoyable - so many laughs - and I suppose there's part of me that wants to make the most of all the time so can have with him too. That's probably a big part of why I've compromised on other things.

Show quote history

You need to also do the maths.

If your state retirement pension kicks in when you are 67-68, he will be 88 by then. You will have no "golden years retirement" together.

If you retire or go down to 2 days a week now, you will be essentially forsaking any chance of a decent work/private pension.

But, is the house worth a lot? Will he leave it all to you or are there any other relatives? Would you want to move house to downsize in your 70's after he is gone? Will you need a decent pension or can you live on what he leaves you?
(Don't count on cash which could all go in care fees - just look at the equity).

What do you want out of life in terms of your retirement, and time with him?

If I were you, I would seriously consider going part time now, to spend time with him whilst he is still healthy - unless you absolutely LOVE your job and want to spend five+ full days a week at it. It is a matter of priorities.

But while you are working he should be doing 95% of all housework, including cleaning bathrooms and all the boring drudgery, not just the fun DIY.

And of course you absolutely must put your foot down about seeing your friends and family - don't let him control you and imprison you in this way.

TotalAbsenceOfImperialRaiment · 15/06/2024 15:31

Tell him he will be a lot lonelier when you leave him.

petalsandstars · 15/06/2024 12:55

My DH will retire earlier than me due to the nature of his job - although we are the same age. And it is still a good few years away. He does make noises about spending all day in his pjs when he’s retired which are shot down by me. He has displayed similar traits of not wanting me to see friends and getting grumpy about me going to a hobby which I have continued to do and I have had no qualms in telling him I don’t intend to be a hermit and he shouldn’t either.
don’t make your life so small that it is only him in it - controlling you because he has nothing else to do is not a happy life for you

Paperweight7 · 15/06/2024 12:43

He sounds a bit insecure. Maybe the age gap has hit home a bit and he feels less needed and useful as he is not 'working' (though he sounds great at doing the household jobs).

He might need a bit of reassurance but also a clear and firm assertion from you that you have a right to pursue your career and see your family and friends as well as keep fit. You are still young. You can't mentally retire yet just because he has retired!

Valeriekat · 15/06/2024 12:40

ThePoetsWife · 15/06/2024 09:16

Why is he not doing most of the housework and chores?!

Oh and my (we're both retired) husband does most of the household chores. Yours should be doing all of them.

Valeriekat · 15/06/2024 12:38

If he were my husband he would be under the patio by now. How dare he treat you like this.
It will get worse and worse.
He is still quite young but he is behaving like an old man.
You are going to have to be brutally honest with him because otherwise you are going to end up hating him.

BirthdayRainbow · 15/06/2024 12:34

Excellent post @easylikeasundaymorn

mountaingoatsarehairy · 15/06/2024 10:49

it does sound a bit predatory- he was older, earned more, looked after you as had a mental health crisis…..

anyway I have a solution - he goes back to work part time to fund the family, and you drop your hours. Then the time when you are both not working you spend some time together and some time doing your own thing

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 15/06/2024 09:53

RedYellowPinkGreenPurpleOrangeBlue · 14/06/2024 23:58

100% this. ^ @ZoraTheGrey The 20+ year age gap was never going to work long-term. I know some people say they have known loads of age gap couples with a generation between them that have worked out fine, and they've stayed together since she was 20 and he was 40 - until she was 70 and he was 90.

In the real world, with such an age gap it is very hard to maintain a good relationship. You are constantly at completely different stages in life.

All you can do is ignore his childish toddler tantrums and get on with what you want to do.

Show quote history

It can work, but like all relationships, it takes compromise from both sides. My Uncle was 15 years older than my Aunt. When he retired she was obviously still working so he got himself a part time gardening job through Age Concern. She worked part time (her choice) so it suited them both - time together and time doing other things. She died 12 years ago and he's still going strong at 89 and still loves to see people

DH and I have a 20 year age gap. It works for us we have similar interests and he's more keen to go out that I am so he's definitely not holding me back! Once he'd got used to retirement, which was hard for him at first as he didn't really want to retire when he did, our roles became more defined - he does the housework, I work.

I hope OP and her husband can work things out one way or another, whether that's as a couple or apart.

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