to think that my retired DH's expectations of me are unfair?

Exactly this. I felt uncomfortable reading your OP. It's stifling. He either needs to get a job to fill his time and back off or else just back off and stop trying to control you. You can't have 20 more years of this and I fear it will only get worse.

Oh and you need to get back to the running club.

YANBU. It almost sounds as if your DH is showing a developing child-like neediness. Absolutely do not give up your activities and hobbies to pander to him. However much of your time you devote to him, he will want still more - it will never be enough and will become all-consuming for you.

Also, as time goes on, it will grate on your patience more and more and you may find yourself feeling increasingly (and rightly) resentful. It's really important that you have your own space and your own life. Especially (and I hate to say it) if his health declines when he's older and both he and you have less choices open to you.

I agree with the suggestion of getting a dog. Also, is there a local Mens Shed or group that might appeal? Or The University of the Third Age - u3a - Home - my late father was involved in a musical instrument aspect of this, which he found very fulfilling.

Best wishes to you.

I feel for you, OP. My DH (ten years older than I am) is retired; I work (part-time) still. We see a lot of each other! BUT he enjoys time on his own, as do I. In fact, on my WFH days (I do 2 days a week in the office, 2 at home), I encourage him to go out because otherwise I don’t get much time at home on my own, and I really enjoy having the house to myself sometimes, even if I’m working. I think DH & I would kill each other if we had to spend all day every day together!
It sounds to me that your DH hasn’t yet found the ‘thing’ to fill his day/week/life now that he doesn’t work. He definitely needs something and with the best will in the world, it shouldn’t be you.

I think you need to tell him to grow up. He (presumably) chose to retire so early so it's for him to sort out what he does for the rest of his life. If he has plenty of savings (as opposed to you having shared savings) you need to be putting money into your savings. Do you pool your incomes or does he keep his pension whilst you are supposed to use your wages to run the household?

And if he isn't working, he should be stepping up to do more house stuff.
Honestly I could not be doing with the 'disappointed' looks, he would be getting a mouthful from me. Model good behaviour for your daughter by taking no nonsense and please rejoin your running club!

I don’t think he’s necessarily controlling. I think he’s had a rose-tinted view of retirement, like many people do, but didn’t actually have a plan what he was going to do and now feels bored and aimless.

Its up to him to find a way to occupy
himself, he can’t expect you to change your life and give up things you enjoy just to suit him.

Going back to my mother and MILs time when they ended up alone, death, divorce. The thing that struck me was the " Merry widow" syndrome. They suddenly had freedom and weren't answerable to anyone. They had a much better life to be honest.

He needs a part-time job or consultancy/volunteering role.

I don’t understand why you left your running club. Why did you not just say no, I don’t want to?

Exactly what I was thinking but not sure how to word. Rejoin your club and don’t give up your job. He needs to sort his own time out and perhaps a part time job would be good.

What would worry me about this scenario is that if he hasn't any hobbies, doesn't do much in the day etc then his health could decline quite rapidly. You might have to retire to become his carer.

I would be putting my foot down and telling him you are going back to running club and won't change what you do. He needs to sort himself out - golf, walking, volunteering....

And there's no way I'd be doing 50% of the housework if he's not working!

He needs a hobby.

You're still young. You need to maintain your other relationships and keep on building your career and own pension while you still can.

I work, my OH is retired. We are more similar ages than you two are but there is absolutely NO WAY I would tolerate this and no way that my DH would expect (or even want) it. You are not his toy designed to amuse him in each and every minute of your down time. Frankly you have been massively unreasonable to concede to all these adjustments to your life so meekly!

Regardless of his intent, you absolutely must keep your independence. With a twenty year age gap, you are almost guaranteed to end up surviving him. With no job,friends or hobbies you will end up isolated and utterly miserable for potentially years at that point. As a matter of priority, you need to guard against it

Mine has an E bike, a boat, goes fishing and shooting, he still expects me to be available and is jealous if while he's swanning around I have a cup of coffee in a friends or families house.

I'm beyond angry, he's irrational IMO.

I would reinstate my life and if he had a problem I would divorce him .

Seems like he's bored & he's looking to you to fill his time/ something to look forward to.

What does he do all day while DD is at school? He really needs something to do outside of the house

I hope this is just teething pain while he gets used to the new normal

I would press on him though that he needs to put effort in to creating a new life in retirement. Pottering round the house on your own makes people very old and very boring very quickly.

So he's feeling lonely and his solution is to dictate what you can and cannot do!

He needs to sort his own life out and find useful and interesting things to do with his time. He could take up a new hobby, do something useful round the house, volunteer, join U3A - the list is endless. It is HIS problem to solve.

Maybe he could go back to work part time. I don’t think you should have to change the way you’ve always lived.

100% this

I'm going to be charitable here, and say that some people get really weird when they retire and suddenly don't have their daily structure around them. What does he do all day while you're at work? He needs a new enthralling hobby (it's either going to be cycling, smoking meat or WW2 history, I warn you now), and you need to put your foot down and go back to the hobbies you enjoyed before he guilted you into stopping them.

I need to think about how I've let that happen and if I can change the pattern for both our sakes.

How do you propose to change another adults patterns? You cant. Just started doing your own thing, tell him to stop calling you when you are out. Join back your running club, and for the love of god spend as much time with your family as you want!!!
Just be prepared for him acting worse when you refuse to be controlled.

The phrase 'nurse with a purse' springs to mind

@ZoraTheGrey we had an awful row last night over fathers day of all things because DIL invited us for lunch. He demanded that she invited other son, wife and kids too. Which I was expected to tell her. I did ask her if they were invited she said no just us and her parents. DH refused to go. I said fine I'll go without you.

He gets jealous if I visit them while he's off with his mates, jealous if I collect grandkids from school while he's off on his hobby finding them there when he returns.

He really expects me to be available 24/7. Fine if I'm cleaning, shopping but god forbid I should go anywhere else without him.

Well I'm not bloody having it!!!

Exactly!

You are still young and going part-time just for his convenience now will have a massive effect on your own workplace pension.

So go back to how you were before he retired. Do not give in to his unreasonable demands, because that is what they are.

If he's bored, then tell him to get a part-time job or volunteer. Also, just because you can retire in your fifties or early sixties, doesn't mean you should. He should at least have considered partial retirement. That's what I'm doing. Working three days a week so getting the best of both worlds. Keeping my mind active, working in a job I like, but having extra time for myself.

Your partner is living his life how he wants. He doesn't get to dictate how you should live yours, because he's bored in the daytime!

It's kind of his problem not yours. You can have a life and he needs to find his own life 'his new normal' or whatever you want to call it. You are in your 40s you could easily have another 20 years of working!

Open your eyes. He is controlling you and you are letting it happen.

This is utter bullshit on his part.

Has he been controlling like this before or is it just post retirement? He is being massively massively unreasonable.