to think that my retired DH's expectations of me are unfair?

Unfortunately for most of us our interests are formed in our youth and we either continue them through life, or return to them in retirement. If you have no interests at twenty you are unlikely to have them at sixty. He could join the University of the Third Age and do some volunteering locally - but that would need to be built around interests he already has.

Useful thread and excellent book (Not Nice) I realise that too often I've suppressed my opinions because other people who are important to me have expressed strong opinions, usually dislike or disapproval, which are contrary to my feelings. Often this is about 'unimportant things e.g musical tastes and it's their fault that they express their OPINION as if it's fact. And I have allowed myself to be supresed by this. Trying to change this.

YANBU
It sounds like you are both adjusting to the realities of retirement .
It also sounds like you have made quite a few sacrifices already! I don't think you should do any more, in fact sit down and explain you need and want Me time.
He sounds like he needs more to occupy himself and not rely on you so much. He needs that hobby. Plus perhaps volunteering (there are loads of opportunities out there), or a part time job himself! He's only in his early 60s after all. Stand your ground. He needs to work through this period of his life.

There are some really insightful comments here which you have acknowledged OP. Apologies if this has been mentioned before, and by no means am I suggesting it negates the good advice offered. However, in tacking things of course you need to be firm but kind.
Although yes, he is being controlling, in some ways for him he may feel that the power imbalance has changed so much since your early relationship. You now have more independent earning power, and frankly with your hobbies and social life reinstated (as it should be) he could be feeling that not only do you not need him, but you are out there in the world with people (including other men) who are much younger than he is.
I expect this will be adding to his fear, and it's easy for this to get out of hand when he has too much time on his hands to get stuck in his own head.
I'd address this with him 'I think you could be feeling...' but let him know that this isn't something that will affect your relationship, however if you don't sort out this new situation and dynamic between you, that very well could.
Transitions are hard and although people are right to some extent to say he should have thought this through, it affects both of you and it's not too late to make a realistic plan together.

I can't believe 2% of people said YABU. This really feels like coercive control to me.

@Grammarnut if the OP quits work and drops all her friends and current interests now to spend every waking moment with the retired husband, when he dies she will have no money, no friends and no hobbies. She'll be completely on her own and trying to build a life from scratch when she's 60 odd and has spent 20 years only permitted to have him for company. Potentially she could have spent years as his carer with no respite or support from friends or family. Does this really seem reasonable to you?

What on earth makes you think that? We all realise it, as he should have when he pursued a woman young enough to be his daughter, it doesn’t make him entitled to dictate how OP suspends all of her time now. Do you realise he doesn’t own her?

He is being controlling and it is completely unfair on you. Please don’t damage your career to cater to his demands - they will only get worse. And with that big age gap it’s important you remain independent as you are likely to significantly outlive him.

I definitely agree about keeping up the pension contributions. Merryn Somerset Webb's "Love Is Not Enough", a book about personal finances for women, was written nearly 20 years ago but is still well worth reading. Her section on pensions is very good. Here's an excerpt:
"..even if you stay married don't forget that when your husband dies (and the odds are what he will die before you) his pension will very often die with him...you can get an annuity that only pays out for the length of your own life; or you can get one that continues to pay out to your spouse even after you are dead (these tend to offer a slightly lower annual income as the providers expect to have to pay them for longer). And guess what? According to Age Concern, around three quarters of the annuities arranged for married men provide no income at all for a widow after their deaths. This means that they leave their partners in the lurch when they go for the sake of a higher income when they are alive. Nice. The lesson? You have to look after yourself."

"OP will have plenty of time for her interests when she is - inevitably - a fairly young widow."

But if she goes along with her husband's wishes she won't have any friends left to share them with, and if she drops too many hours at work she won't have any money to do them either.

He sounds like a clingy needy toddler. Ugh!

That's what happened with my aunt and uncle. He was 15 years older, she died in her early 60s and he's now 89 and cares for his new partner who is 95. I can still remember him saying it should have been him. She was about to retire and they were looking to move away.

That's why I'm planning on taking 3-6 months off work and doing some things with DH. The difference is it's my choice, he's not coercing me into doing it, in fact he keeps reminding me I will have to look for another job!

In general I agree, compromise would be implied. The issue is that in this situation, the OP is being actively pressured into giving up anything and anyone outside of the couple and has meekly agreed to all and every demand made so far

Therefore in this situation, I don’t believe we can assume implied compromise - it clearly hasn’t happened in the natural way it should

Do you not think that compromise is implied in 'doing things together'? If one is doing things the other likes one is compromising to some extent. My late DH did not care for opera, he never stopped me going, nor complained that I had gone out. Ditto bellringing. I did not complain about his time with his son in the local snooker hall, either. We did lots of things together as well, and had intended to do more, because we liked each other. Now, I still have the things I enjoyed - except for him - and have picked up new interests (based on already existing ones of course) to fill the long spaces where he is not.

I disagree - the solution is not just ‘do things together’
It’s for both parties to compromise. Yes, do some stuff together of course but definitely not ostracise yourself from working, other family, friends and hobbies. The OPs husband is monumentally selfish to expect those sort of compromises from someone he claims to love,
If she is (as is likely) left alone, what sort of future does she have for her own old age?

Quite right. But from his pov he knows on average that men die earlier, so time is not on his side. True, OP might die in her sixties. The solution to this problem is to do things together. He can volunteer for things during the day and they can socialize with their friends in the evening and at week-ends. If you love someone you want to spend a lot of time with them, surely?

None of you seem to realise the OP's DH will die before she retires. He would like to spend time with her and DD before he becomes too old to enjoy it. OP will have plenty of time for her interests when she is - inevitably - a fairly young widow.

@Grammarnut old age is something of a lottery, the DH could live to be in his 90s, and the OP could become ill and die in her sixties, nothing is guaranteed

Also a fun retirement is something many people don't get anyway, you can't expect it.

Increasingly people have a long retirement but it used to be the norm that you would die just a few years after you retire.

My mum died at 54 and my stepdad had to go without the retirement together he was looking forward together. My dad is still doing pretty well at 91. Life is a roulette wheel and more so as you get older.

OP needs to find a balance that works right now between her career and relationship as tomorrow may never come.

My parents have a large age gap and when my father died, because my mother continued to work and socialise she is now enjoying a great retirement with lots of trips, holidays, activities etc.

Controlling and coercive behaviour I would say. He should be doing all the housework if you are working full time and the majority of the cooking, just as you probably did for him.
I suggest you get you life back, get him a hobby, and continue in your profession. To put it bluntly, you might need that job if he dies well before you so you have a profession to fall back on. What is your retirement age likely to be? 68, 70?
For your own future financial security, keep that job. For your own sanity, don't give up your friends and hobbies.
What does he do while you are at work? Sit in a chair and sulk? Potter around without purpose? Is he possibly depressed? Take him to your doctor. Retirement is a huge life change, like divorce.
Does he have an interest in photography or something similar? Something absorbing and interesting? Encourage it.
As one poster said, he's done a number on you and you don't realise it. Resist. Think to the future.
YANBU

Sorry but this level of possessiveness & control over your social life is abusive.
Re start your running club, it’s only once a week, and tell him out right that your time visiting family and friends will not be time limited! Sorry but how fucking dare he!! Tell him that you will not be answering or in deed reading texts or calls from him when you’re out with friends… this is awful and so rude to your friends! I have a friend who when I meet up with her she gets a call off her husband every time… they talk shit for more than 5 minutes while I sit there uncomfortably wondering why he feels the need to ‘check up on her’.. and I have to say @ZoraTheGrey i don’t really bother going out with her much anymore because there’s nothing more annoying than being in the middle of a heart felt discussion and one of the people taking a call…. Yeah sure I’d answer the phone if school rang… but anyone else I cancel the call and ring them back later… in a similar way to I would if I was driving! …
Its double standards that he feels you can’t answer the phone to your friends when with him but then he wades in on your time with friends with calls saying ‘can you come home early - I miss you!’… goodness he sounds like a possessive 6 year old not 60+ adult!
Now you’re working full time and he’s retired he should be doing the lions share of housework… he also needs to occupy his time himself… Either picking up some paid work or volunteering at a local food bank or something!…. It certainly isn’t your responsibility to entertain him!
I would tell him that his retirement is doing your head in and you want to work full time and progress in your career and you want to socialise and run…. Point out how unreasonable he’s being and how he’s manipulating you to spend every minute you have off doing what he wants and never considering the fact you have other people in your life you’d actually like to keep in touch with!
Without being mean, when he passes (potentially 20 years before you!) you’ll need your running group friends and other social interactions!
Tell him you won’t be restricting your time with anyone… when you want to leave you’ll leave and not a minute before! If he doesn’t want to spend as long then he’s welcome not to come with you! …. Maybe he could visit his folk while you visit yours… freeing up time to spend as a 3! If he does the housework while you’re at work that
will also free up time on your days off…
Having to change your start times
sounds more like what a parent does to fit around childcare… but you’ve done it so you can effectively babysit and entertain the demands of an adult man!
You need a serious discussion telling him that until you retire 20 years from now, you need time with him but also time without where you can see friends and family with out him making you feel guilty!

To give you some perspective. Would you do this to him?

Has your marriage been like this all along where if he wasn’t working you were doing what he wanted?

If you were off all week looking after DD would you then expect him to pick everything up at the weekend?

If this is new then talking and hobbies could sort it out but if it’s been an underlying issue there are so many red flags that you need to think of your future and what it will be like when you have isolated yourself from your friends, family and any hobbies of your own that make you happy.

Don't give up your running club and seeing friends. It's good for your mental and physical health. It's not up your you to entertain your dh. He needs to filing his own time and finding his own hobbies.

Putting time frames on you is absurd, you're not a teenager you're a grown woman

If she retires at age 60 he may well be alive when she retires but even if he’s not - again, that choice was made when he married a younger woman with a 20 year age gap, AND when he chose to retire early.

It probably would’ve been better for him to keep on working a few years and earn some more money to enable his wife to retire a bit earlier later on when she beginning to wind down her career.

But realty that’s just the way the cookie crumbles. You don’t get to assume that the younger woman you married will leave work early in her 40s, when you are the one who chose to take early retirement in your 60s, he was old enough to think and plan ahead when he married her.

Perhaps he can just use the time Op has free wisely and enjoy quality of time with her rather than quantity. When their kid is a teen and they don’t have to worry about childcare, they can start going back out for more date nights etc. have family trips on long weekends, make the most of the school free and work free time his wife and daughter has.

. I too, thought he was totally unreasonable etc, but now I do agree that he’s never going to get a fun retirement with his wife as he normally would, as he’ll be too old and inactive by the time she retires.

Perhaps but I mean that’s what happens when you marry a woman 20 years younger than you. He was in his 50s when he married her, he should’ve been able to do the math. Unless of course the younger woman has agreed/is able to be a SAHM and hasn’t ever did paid work - then they’ll be at home waiting for you when you retire I guess.

She can't even make a phone call in peace.
He is successfully isolating her from family and friends.
This is coercive control and a CRIME.
One call to Women's aid would spell it out for her.
This is ALL about him and what he wants.
This is not a healthy relationship.