Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Yes I know it’s been done before! Stepchild and wedding

79 replies

EWAB · 14/06/2024 13:48

I know we’ve had the same thread before but I’m hurting.

In-laws have known my 24 year old since they were 7 I.e. longer than they’ve known my youngest son.

Two of partner’s nieces are getting married. DP and I are invited with my youngest but not eldest.

These nieces are almost a decade older than my youngest but nearer in age to eldest who they do know and one even socialises with him occasionally as they have mutual friends.

These nieces are cousins themselves not sisters so I wonder if they discussed his exclusion.

Partner and youngest definitely want to go to both of these weddings.

OP posts:
theowlwhisperer · 15/06/2024 17:06

Your son is not family and is an adult. You might not like it, but there's no reason why he should be invited.

It's very common for people to invite uncle/auntie, sometimes the youngest, but not all the adult cousins. Weddings are expensive, and frankly, between having to invite the adult son of your aunt-in-law and a friend, it's not unreasonable to want the friend.

If your son was a child, then yes, it would be mean. You can't invite 1 child not the other, but he's an adult.

Despair1 · 15/06/2024 17:01

Of course your 24 year old son should be invited. Irrespective of his age, your ILs have known him since he was 7 and he is the brother of your younger child and he is as 'good as' a cousin to your DH's nieces. I can see why you are upset. I have yet to know of a wedding that hasn't caused some sort of upset re who/who has not been invited. I am not sure what advice to give re how to proceed

Original poster
EWAB · 15/06/2024 16:58

@ThePassageOfTime I have known them for 18 years . They are my partner’s nieces. My son’s first cousins.

OP posts:
fancysleep · 15/06/2024 16:57

EWAB · 15/06/2024 16:56

@fancysleep We’ve been together for 18 years! The only sibling that has broken up with someone was his brother after nearly a quarter of a century of marriage.

Yeah some people are really weird though

Original poster
EWAB · 15/06/2024 16:56

@fancysleep We’ve been together for 18 years! The only sibling that has broken up with someone was his brother after nearly a quarter of a century of marriage.

OP posts:
ThePassageOfTime · 15/06/2024 16:56

Aren't you also relieved not to have to go to a wedding of people you barely know?

Honestly be practical rather than getting sentimental for no reason.

Extended family is such an over-egged concept, I never understand why ppl aren't more focused on their friends.

ThePassageOfTime · 15/06/2024 16:54

EWAB · 14/06/2024 14:41

@MBappse No two weddings!

They are first of this generation to marry so this is the tone that is being set.

I have the phone number of one of them. I am tempted to ring.

If you don't even have the other nieces phone number why would any of you expect an invite as you're clearly not close?

I'm sure your 24 year old is relieved not to have to attend a distant relatives wedding. He'll get to go to mates weddings in a few years - WAY more fun

fancysleep · 15/06/2024 16:52

I note you say partner. Do they perhaps hope you'll split up?

Original poster
EWAB · 15/06/2024 16:50

Partner has spoken to both of his brothers. One brother did not know any details of his daughter’s wedding ( other than he was paying a chunk of it, as his ex wife is in charge.

The other brother said he didn’t know that my son wasn’t invited to his daughter’s wedding but did confirm that all the cousins so my youngest, partner’s nephew and four nieces would all be present at both weddings as well as the partner of one of the other nieces.

This brother said he would speak to his wife as his daughter is actually on someone else’s hen do.

Then apparently he starts chatting excitedly about how they can all play golf together with their cousins who are also coming over from Ireland and New Zealand for both weddings!

Partner just came in looking pale. I’m not going to either of these weddings now even if a magic invitation suddenly arrives for my son who they have known longer than they have known my younger son.

I am going to have it out with them; I want to know if they excluded him independently of one another or if they have colluded.

Partner can compartmentalise and I can totally see him and youngest going off to these weddings and golfing.

OP posts:
Nottherealslimshady · 14/06/2024 21:26

I didn't invite all my cousins but did invite the children of my aunties and of those cousins I did invite.

I'd imagine he's just considered an adult in his own right now as opposed to a child living at home. I don't think all adult siblings have to be invited to the same things. They have their own relationships with their family members now.

caffelattetogo · 14/06/2024 21:18

Weddings are about numbers. Breaking your heart because their uncle's wife adult son isn't invited is not fair or reasonable.

LuckysDadsHat · 14/06/2024 16:51

KrisAkabusi · 14/06/2024 16:06

But he's not a kid, he's 24.

I think it's different when it's adults. Most weddings have some sort of limit on numbers and I would cull a cousin before a friend.

Show quote history

The 18 year old is an adult as well. They are still my kids no matter what their age.

grandmabrown · 14/06/2024 16:47

I have the phone number of one of them. I am tempted to ring.

I personally wouldn't. The bride has made her choice and shown how she feels about you both. Im sure likes you but you aren't priority family. If your DP had an issue with it he would have suggested talking to his niece himself but clearly he doesn't. Its his niece and DC18s cousin - no relation to yourself or your older son.

lap90 · 14/06/2024 16:13

I think it's poor behaviour but FGS, don't call anyone.

SocoBateVira · 14/06/2024 16:12

Ponoka7 · 14/06/2024 14:12

Why don't you find out first?

Show quote history

Yes, you really need to know that before forming any kind of opinion. It's certainly too soon to be 'hurting'.

Dartmoorcheffy · 14/06/2024 16:09

EWAB · 14/06/2024 13:48

I know we’ve had the same thread before but I’m hurting.

In-laws have known my 24 year old since they were 7 I.e. longer than they’ve known my youngest son.

Two of partner’s nieces are getting married. DP and I are invited with my youngest but not eldest.

These nieces are almost a decade older than my youngest but nearer in age to eldest who they do know and one even socialises with him occasionally as they have mutual friends.

These nieces are cousins themselves not sisters so I wonder if they discussed his exclusion.

Partner and youngest definitely want to go to both of these weddings.

So he is actually living in the USA?

KrisAkabusi · 14/06/2024 16:06

LuckysDadsHat · 14/06/2024 15:22

None of us would be going. It's either all kids or no kids (and I don't go to no kids weddings either as I don't have childcare).

But he's not a kid, he's 24.

I think it's different when it's adults. Most weddings have some sort of limit on numbers and I would cull a cousin before a friend.

maggiemuff · 14/06/2024 15:41

I didn't have cousins to my wedding as I have so many of them it's far too expensive

maggiemuff · 14/06/2024 15:40

Sorry just realised your youngest is 18 so really they should have invited both or neither.

maggiemuff · 14/06/2024 15:39

I think they have probably invited the youngest as he is only a child but your eldest is an adult so not the same.

Serendity · 14/06/2024 15:37

I don't think it's a given that a niece would invite every single uncle, aunt and grown up cousin. My family are close but now we are grown up, not every event involves inviting all 12 of us cousins and their families.

If it is just because he's a step relation that is poor form but there's a leap from "I bet it's that" to actually knowing so.

When did your nieces last see your son? Do they meet up often?

MrsSquiggleshouldbeaspinoff · 14/06/2024 15:29

Your DS is 24, old enough to manage his own relationships separate to you.
What level of contact does he have with his step cousins (the brides)? Do they text regularly? Interact via social media? Or just see each other once a year at large DH’s family gatherings?

Wedding numbers are hard. There’s often far more people they’d like to invite compared to the number they can afford/fit in the venue. A step cousin would not make my preferred top tier guest list - especially as they’re an adult and probably should also have a plus 1 included.

TuttiFrutti · 14/06/2024 15:29

I think it's fair enough, if the nieces are not that close to your ds. It would be different if he was a child, but at 24 he's an adult and they will have limits on numbers.

LuckysDadsHat · 14/06/2024 15:22

None of us would be going. It's either all kids or no kids (and I don't go to no kids weddings either as I don't have childcare).

Whycantiwinmillionsandsquillions · 14/06/2024 15:16

I’ve also not been invited to peoples weddings when I’ve been close to the bride/groom, whilst offer people who I thought weren’t as close were.
Life is too short to get huffy about it.

Swipe left for the next trending thread