AIBU not wanting dh to go to second funeral abroad

104 replies

SenQuestion · 14/06/2024 13:33

I am doing a full time PhD. We have an autistic 6 year old with behaviour issues and language delay, and a one a half year old. I do the lion share of the cooking, cleaning. Dh can't drive so I do the school run as well. As well I sort school stuff, shopping and meal planning l. I have to catch up with my PhD work and housework at the weekend. Both children are not good sleepers. Feel quite stressed and run ragged.

Dh's gran died a few months ago, we both went to the funeral. She comes from a different country so Mil is taking her ashes to be buried there. She is asking dh to go there with her. It will be during the summer holidays for about 4 days over the weekend in July.

I have alot to juggle at the moment and have a busy schedule for July, August time as well as an appraisal in August. There is also the cost, £350 for flights, plus share towards hire car and food etc while there. So it could be £500 plus. That is an additional worry.

I also have issues with mil, and her behaviour for the past decade towards us. She is very controlling and manipulative - I very much relate to Susan forwards toxic in-laws(mil is the first few chapters of the book). And her gaslighting, she constantly blamed us for our autistic son not talking at age 3 and would point out what he can't do infront of him. When we asked for an apology she denied it ever happened and said we were awful for suggesting it did happen. So it may be clouding my judgement.

Need some opinions please

OP posts:

MrsElsa · 14/06/2024 13:42

What childcare and social support can you get while DH is away? Put it in place now.

Then book yourself a little jaunt away, job done.

sweetnessandlighter · 14/06/2024 13:42

I wouldn't stand in the way of my DH attending a family event like this. I get that you don't like your MIL but there are some things you just don't interfere with, and funerals are one of them. It's only four days.

Dancingontheedge · 14/06/2024 13:42

This is about how your husband deals with his grief. Having lost all of our parents and grandparents, I can’t imagine stopping my husband attending his grandmother’s ashes ceremony because I didn’t like my MIL.
What does he want to do? Truly, rather than trying to please other people?
By all means, start cutting your MIL out of your lives, and call on friends and your family for support as much as you can.But you are blurring the issues together. The ashes ceremony and your critical MIL are two different things.
And four days is not a long time, you will not be battling your 6 year old into school for a start. And you can do easy cooking for a week, my autistic children had fairly restricted diets and were easy to plan for.

NoKnit · 14/06/2024 13:41

I get that you have a lot on your plate. But that is life as a Mum to young children.

I think the fact that you are doing a PhD has absolutely nothing to do with it but it seems to you it does. If you were just working a full time office job would you feel different? What you are doing is irrelevant we all have busy lives.

I think only 4 days and that being over a weekend is not unfair at all. This is his grandma and it is important for him to say goodbye.

This has actually nothing to do with your MIL. Your husband wants to say goodbye to his grandmother and see the people who were close to her.

I think you are totally overreacting

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