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Original poster

Can’t pick bridesmaids, DP putting pressure on me to decide

338 replies

Andue · 14/06/2024 12:13

DP and I are getting married in 14 months, most of the prep is well on the way the only issue is I haven’t decided who my bridesmaids will be. When it comes to it I feel like there are a lot of people I could pick and some expectations from DH on his side as to who I should pick.

Maid of honour will be my best friend, we’ve known each other since primary, lost touch and then went to uni together. Have been super closer since.

Options on my side

  • Both my cousins, one maternal one paternal. I grew up really close to them, spent weeks with them every summer and was the Maid of honour at one of their weddings
  • Second very close friend, see her less often than my best friend but still very close
  • 2 other close friends, see maybe once a month but sort of go in a group with close friend and very close friend, was bridesmaid at one of their weddings
  • 2 other friends, see them more than most of the others and socialise with them more, however the only connection is work and that is mainly when we socialise (go for lunch together during work or a drink after but rarely seem them on weekends etc.)
DHs expectations
  • His 16 year old niece, her younger sister (8) will be a flower girl, he thinks she needs a role too, but is very traditional and won’t have women/girls on his side
  • His younger sister, same idea - his brother is Best man, my brother is a groomsman, he thinks I need to return the favour and give his sister a role

Past maid of honour I have no idea who to pick. DH has 1 best man and 5 groomsmen/ushers so ideally we’d equal it out.

AIBU to feel like it’s a lot of pressure to decide and to feel really overwhelmed by it?
He keeps pestering me to decide but it’s a lot!

Any advice on who I should pick?

OP posts:
Muffin101 · 14/06/2024 14:41

Now you’ve said more about your history with your soon to be sister in law, I would like to change my answer from MoH,two cousins, stbSIL and niece to MoH, two cousins and niece with stbSIL doing a reading or witnessing the marriage. You could have your friends as wel but it all starts spiralling out of control re budget then I think

Pinkytudor · 14/06/2024 14:41

I think you should ask his sister. She’s going to be your sister in law for the rest of your life, might as well start things off on the right foot.
Your maid of honour is your best friend and your bridesmaids are your second best friend and two cousins. Plus you’ve got the little flower girl. That’s enough.
I think the other four friends will understand.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 14/06/2024 14:40

Andue · 14/06/2024 14:31

What??

No chance in hell will his sister be my maid of honour - I barely bloody know her!!
My closest friend will be my maid of honour that’s a massive non-negotiable. She knows me inside out and will be my rock on the morning of!

Show quote history

Well said!!
now find that conviction when it comes to your other bridesmaids.

go for a walk, meditate, have a glass of wine. Whatever works for you.

decide who you want (because you clearly already know. Why would you want a bridesmaid you don’t know? Aren’t close to?), make a list and allow your resolve to grow. Make sure that you are sure of yourself.

And then get up and tell your fiancé.

WaltzingWaters · 14/06/2024 14:40

Seems I’m going against the grain here but I wouldn’t pick his sis or niece unless you’re particularly close with them. As for the friends/your cousins, that’s harder and just go with whoever you feel closest too.

Original poster
Andue · 14/06/2024 14:39

Delatron · 14/06/2024 14:33

I think it would really ruin your wedding if his sister was a bridesmaid. There’s clearly a back story with you trying to be friendly and her knocking you back. So say that to DH. Why have all that negativity on your special day? You’d have to spend loads of time with her. She probably doesn’t even want to be bridesmaid.

She can do a reading.

I do think this is what’s bothering me. For the better part of 5 years I’ve made every attempt to be friendly with her. She has cancelled numerous lunches/brunches/evening drinks hours before with no real explanation (I know you don’t have to justify not wanting to do something but making plans with someone 8+ times and only going to one or two and cancelling the rest last minute has left me a little sour). To then have her as a bridesmaid over someone who I feel actually cares about me makes me feel a little hard done by.

Yes DP is having my brother but they’ve been golfing together at least once a month often more for about 3 years? Heck he probably sees my brother more than I do!

OP posts:
TeenDivided · 14/06/2024 14:38

just have the MOH and no one else.

A 16yo may well not want to be all dressed up as a bridesmaid anyway.

Sleepingbunny1 · 14/06/2024 14:37

have them all!

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 14/06/2024 14:37

We’re getting married in 2 years.

I’ll have one bridesmaid / MOH (my best friend). We will also have 2 flower girls.

not every relative needs a role. And if your DH wants somebody to have specific role / be in the bridal party? He should pick them himself! Not put pressure on you.

Aallvtirin · 14/06/2024 14:35

The issues here isn't that you 'dont know who to pick'. You know who you want to pick, but your fiance is pressuring you to involve his relatives.

Sit down with your fiancé and tell him why you don't want his sister etc. Because that's the actual problem, not this faux naive 'oooh I just don't know who it should be'.

Delatron · 14/06/2024 14:33

I think it would really ruin your wedding if his sister was a bridesmaid. There’s clearly a back story with you trying to be friendly and her knocking you back. So say that to DH. Why have all that negativity on your special day? You’d have to spend loads of time with her. She probably doesn’t even want to be bridesmaid.

She can do a reading.

Original poster
Andue · 14/06/2024 14:31

kitsuneghost · 14/06/2024 13:37

Grooms sister as MOH
2 cousins as bridesmaids

What??

No chance in hell will his sister be my maid of honour - I barely bloody know her!!
My closest friend will be my maid of honour that’s a massive non-negotiable. She knows me inside out and will be my rock on the morning of!

OP posts:
LordSnot · 14/06/2024 14:29

Five bridesmaids is ridiculous.

This is just an expensive party. It will be over in one day. Treat it with the amount of thought it deserves (mainly focused on looking after your guests) and avoid all this angst.

Birch101 · 14/06/2024 14:25

So if you want to equal it out 5 people would be everyone but the work friends.
A flower girl is a token thing not exactly going to join you for a hen do (I assume) does the 16yr old actually want to be involved I wouldn't have at that age and again I would include a child in any pre wedding things or want to cope with any drama that might ensure about dress, hair etc

Enko · 14/06/2024 14:23

Andue · 14/06/2024 13:13

I feel like I’m sounding like a bridezilla when that’s not my intention. I’d just rather be surrounded by my friends than someone I don’t know and a 16 year old who I think would change the vibe quite significantly.

I think I’d rather have my 4 friends (one as MOH) and 2 cousins.

It feels odd having to pick his sister when I’ve made attempts at friendship which have been knocked back?

Show quote history

Here is your answers this is what you want. So do that. Have his sister witness your marriage and the 16 year old read something

Gazelda · 14/06/2024 14:21

I'd have all of them except the work friends and SIL.

Ask SIL to do a reading.

Once you've got more than 3, I think you might as well go the whole hog if only to avoid anyone feeling snubbed.

Delatron · 14/06/2024 14:18

kitsuneghost · 14/06/2024 13:37

Grooms sister as MOH
2 cousins as bridesmaids

She has her best friend as MOH! Of course she should. Not the sister who she is not close with.

Delatron · 14/06/2024 14:16

Andue · 14/06/2024 13:13

I feel like I’m sounding like a bridezilla when that’s not my intention. I’d just rather be surrounded by my friends than someone I don’t know and a 16 year old who I think would change the vibe quite significantly.

I think I’d rather have my 4 friends (one as MOH) and 2 cousins.

It feels odd having to pick his sister when I’ve made attempts at friendship which have been knocked back?

Show quote history

Yes OP. Don’t pick his sister. You’re not close. Pick who you want. She probably doesn’t want to be bridesmaid either.

Weddings have some silly traditions. I chose to ignore the ones I didn’t like.

CeffylCoch · 14/06/2024 14:15

His sister and your best friend

parentfodder · 14/06/2024 14:09

I'd go either

Best friend
2 cousins
1 very close friend
And 1 or 2 of close friends (depending if you are happy with 5 or 6)

Or
Best friend
2 cousins
Sister
Niece

TheGlitterFairy · 14/06/2024 13:56

I’d go with your MOH, his sister, and younger niece who is the flower girl….or just your MOH and sister if you think the older niece will be upset if not included!

ThePassageOfTime · 14/06/2024 13:54

Don't marry a sexist twat who 'won't have women on his side'.

He sounds tedious and like you'll be assuming responsibility for his mum's birthday etc forevermore

Youdontevengohere · 14/06/2024 13:50

People on here are so joyless 😂. Enjoying your best friends’ weddings isn’t ‘sad’ and it doesn’t mean you have nothing else going on in your life.
My friends’ weddings have all been a nice day at a nice venue with some food, drinks, dancing and fun with my some of my favourite people. On top of that, I get to see my friends happily marrying someone they love. Why wouldn’t I enjoy it?

LakesideInn · 14/06/2024 13:48

Who has your fiancé chosen for his? As in - all friends (I get your DB is family, but also a friend in his own right?) Are there any obligations he should have thought about and hasn’t? Any younger cousins knocking about that he’s ignored?

sounds to me like he’s getting all his mates so you should have yours. Why do you have to have family just because of their sex? And why do numbers have to match? I’d have your cousins and friends (not the work ones), 16yo and 8yo to keep the peace and not the sister.

what else could his sister do? Be a Witness? Give a speech? Organise something?

also - whilst you probably have to invite the sister on your hen do, you do not have to include a 16yo niece in an adult party. I don’t think it would be fair to make your hen do cater to an u-18. You could of course have a bridesmaids afternoon tea if you wanted to do something to include her, but really would she not just expect to rock up on the day wearing a nice dress?

Charlie2121 · 14/06/2024 13:45

SleepingStandingUp · 14/06/2024 13:37

Geez, you sound like a great friend. Not. I was incredibly interested in my sister's weddings and the details. I was interested in my friends weddings. I wouldn't have missed them for virtually nothing.

Show quote history

Maybe you don’t have much excitement in your life if a wedding is a highlight. I find that quite sad really.

MrsElsa · 14/06/2024 13:38

Just have all of them, sheesh

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