Can’t pick bridesmaids, DP putting pressure on me to decide

"DHs expectations

• His 16 year old niece, her younger sister (8) will be a flower girl, he thinks she needs a role too, but is very traditional and won’t have women/girls on his side
• His younger sister, same idea - his brother is Best man, my brother is a groomsman, he thinks I need to return the favour and give his sister a role"

Well, if your fiancé "is very traditional" he should know that, traditionally, ALL bride's maids come from the bride's family and friends, and ALL groom's men come from the groom's family and friends.

So I'd question just how 'traditional' he is, wanting to impose a groom's maid on the bride. Is your brother his friend, or is he having a bride's man by his side as a bargaining chip?

Basically, his 'expectations' are wrong. The Groom chooses his groom's men, and the Bride chooses her bride's maids. He should not be imposing his sister and niece on you.

Just be modern and don’t have bridemaids or groomsmen?

Forget the sister. She’s an adult and she’s not interested in knowing you. She can do one.

Ok so you are keeping it traditional by having something this size so really needs to be your SIL to be, the two nieces and your two cousins. Doesn’t particularly matter who you really want as this isn’t really about you both now. What on earth is hosting a table? Are you overseas ?

Bridesmaids should be the bride's choice IMO and from her circle.

I don't really get grown women wanting to be bridesmaids tbh, I think they should be little girls with a MoH to keep an eye.

Dh - six people (best man plus five)

You, ideally, six people (moh, flower girl, leaves four)

So, four would be:

Second close friend and 2 others from that group - nice even numbers
His sister

Sixteen year old would be asked to be a ring bearer or poem reader or nothing. But I wouldn't have started by asking the eight year old tbh, think that's caused that issue.

Both my cousins, one maternal one paternal. I grew up really close to them, spent weeks with them every summer and was the Maid of honour at one of their weddings
• Second very close friend, see her less often than my best friend but still very close
• 2 other close friends, see maybe once a month but sort of go in a group with close friend and very close friend, was bridesmaid at one of their weddings
• 2 other friends, see them more than most of the others and socialise with them more, however the only connection is work and that is mainly when we socialise (go for lunch together during work or a drink after but rarely seem them on weekends etc.)
DHs expectations

• His 16 year old niece, her younger sister (8) will be a flower girl, he thinks she needs a role too, but is very traditional and won’t have women/girls on his side
• His younger sister, same idea - his brother is Best man, my brother is a groomsman, he thinks I need to return the favour and give his sister a role

Have your friends and cousins as your bridesmaids. Leave out the colleagues and DHs niece. Ask SIL to be toast madame together with someone else perhaps a male toast master from your side that isn't in the bridal party.

Keep it simple - just have a matron of honour and ask his sister to do a reading. Having a huge number of bridesmaids is a recipe for disaster unless you are going to buy their dresses and pay for hair and makeup etc. There have been plenty of posts on here started by bridesmaids who because of the financial demands being made on them found themselves wanting to pull out. Also there may be some amongst your friends who will be grateful for not being asked - not everyone likes the thought of being on show as a bridesmaid and having to wear something that they would not necessarily choose.
i know it’s easy for me to suggest just the one bridesmaid when they may be family pressure on you to have more, but as the decision who to ask is obviously causing you anxiety I wouldn’t bother.

Haven't read any of the responses, but I'd say you need to decide on a rule to follow. I think 2 or 3 bridesmaid's is sufficient anyway. Not everyone at your wedding needs to have a "role".

I limited bridesmaids to family - no one then had kids except for one toddler, so it was my sister and his sister. Best man his brother. And my brother and now brother in law, ushers. (Maybe what's now called groom's men? Did the organising on the day, anyway).

We gave readings during the ceremony to one best friend each and everyone else was just a guest. No jealousies as my best friend and I had been best friends for 16 years and that was well known.

The groom's sister does not have to be a bridesmaid. I wasn't at my brother's wedding, but then my brother knows me well enough to know that I wouldn't want to be a bridesmaid. I would choose:

MOH: best friend
2 cousins: bridesmaids
8 year old niece: flower girl
Groom 's sister: ask her to do a reading (get your fiance to ask her rather than you, as you're not close).

16 year old niece does not need to be in the wedding party, and at that age probably would not want to be. But if groom absolutely insists and she also jumps at the chance, get her a dress and make her a bridesmaid, but one that turns up at the ceremony on the day, rather than one that gets ready with you beforehand, goes to hen dos etc. It would be awkward for you and for her to be hanging around with older adults while you're getting dressed and possibly drinking.

I agree.

Why not just have a best man and a matron of honour, or whatever it's called?

There seems to be a bit of a drip feed that you aren't actually close at all to your DP's sis, to the point you've tried to befriend her and she isn't interested / you're not friends. If that's the case, suggest she does a reading at the ceremony instead?

You could have all your friends as bridesmaids - close friend, 2x other friends, 2x work friends.

And have two ceremony readings, one by DP's sis and the other by his older niece? You could also have DP's sis sign the marriage certificate - it doesn't have to be MOH. That gives her a big formal role without being with you the morning of the wedding and changing your morning dynamics.

I think you need to decide how many bridesmaids you want/ can afford and go from there.

I wouldn’t have his sister. Just because your brother is a groomsman it doesn’t fall that you have to reciprocate. Your DP has asked him as they are friends in their own right. I would say this regardless of whether or not your DP’s sister has rebuked offers of friendship or not. You have said you aren’t particularly close. I would only have her if she was considered a close friend too but she’s not. I don’t understand why anyone would have expectations to be someone’s bridesmaid unless there was a close friendship or the bride had very few friends able to attend. Neither apply in your case.

I would have your MOH. And if there are budget constraints, either your 2 closest friends or your cousins. Or if you’ve no budget constraints, your MOH, 2 closest friends and cousins.

There shouldn’t be any pressure from DH or his ‘side’ of the family, you should choose who you want. It is supposed to be a celebration of your love for each other and a happy occasion.

Please remember you cannot please everyone. I am fortunate to have a nice group of friends but I couldn’t have afforded all to be bridesmaids so I chose the three I am closest to. It didn’t mean that I didn’t value the others. It was just what we could manage. I wouldn’t have expected my other friends to take offence and they didn’t, because they are my friends. If any of your DP’s family are likely to take the hump then they need to give their heads a wobble.

It seems to be the unpopular option here, but at the end of the day, its your choice and you want people there who you would go to, to ask for advice and support. If you're not close to his female relatives, then don't choose them. You could always have them be witnesses or do a reading instead to include them in the day.

Either just have your MOH, or MOH and 2 cousins. OR if you want to have the same numbers as other half, 1+5, then have MOH plus 2 cousins, 2nd closest friend and 2 close friends (ie all YOUR choices except the work friends). It sounds very much like they are just general good work friends and like others have said if you went to a new job the relationship with them would change a bit purely for the fact you wont see/talk all the time.

My sister is getting married in a couple of years and has already decided who she is having - and it doesn't include her partners sister! She has a better relationship that it sounds like you do with your SIL or niece, but she just couldn't imagine her been in the room getting ready on the morning of the wedding. Instead she will be one of the witnesses.

Leave out the two work friends and the two only 'close' friends, explain you need to include some girls from his side, they should also understand your two long term best friends have to be in. That would leave four, I wouldn't chose between the just 'close' friends, do both to make six or neither.

This is the sort of overly emotional language that makes me think you're being a bit over the top. Why do you need someone to 'be your rock'? I'm sorry to hear you've lost your mum, that must be hard. But the wedding morning doesn't need to be angsty, you can just have some fizz and get your hair and makeup done with some tunes on.

Have you actually asked his sister if she wants to be your bridesmaid, if not , why ?

If you want 5, plus MOH to match his 5 plus best man, I'd choose:

• your two cousins
• your close friend
• his sister
• his niece.

You don't have to have equal numbers though - it feels like he's picked and you're trying to fit to match? Where really you should be able to just pick who you want, rather than effectively 'making up the numbers' (which sounds harsher than I mean it to!)

To me you've separated out your closest friend for a reason, so it should make sense to your other friends why you'd include her and not them - people know you can't have everyone? And I don't think the folk you socialise with through work would at all expect to be included with such key roles?

I also don't think you have to have his niece, she could have a role doing a reading or something similar? But it makes sense to include her as part of the 5, if that's the ideal number.

Can sister and niece do readings at the wedding? I wouldn’t expect to be bridesmaid at my brothers weddings! And I did readings when they got married. If you have your cousins and closest friends as bridesmaids, doesn’t that add up to 6?

You decide how many of each you want, he picks the groomsmen, you pick the bridesmaids, neither gets to interfere with the other party's choices.

What do you mean ‘get off on the right foot’? She’s tried for years to be friends with this woman and has been knocked back. That’s just plain rude. You think her being bridesmaid will change it? That she’ll suddenly be all pleasant to the OP?

Honestly don’t do it. You have tried and she has been unfriendly. Not your problem anymore. Do not be pressurised! You don’t want to look back on your wedding day with regret. It can be quite stressful so you need people in your corner and you need to feel relaxed. Best friends who know you very well are best.

Like I said, I actually like my SIL but there was no pressure to have her as a bridesmaid so I had my friends. It was fine! These traditions are very outdated.

You need someone to find out how each of them would feel about being a bridesmaid first. Some people just want to turn up and enjoy the occasion. Are you paying for everyone’s outfit, make up etc? Some people don’t want the expense and even if they’ve had you as bridesmaid, they may have had enough of all that and just want to turn up to the event. After that I’d do like previously said and stick with family members, that way you do not upset friends- at least if they’re reasonably sensible you won’t, hopefully!

If you want five bridesmaids in addition to your MOH then do the sister, niece, two cousins and the second closest friend.

Your other friends will have a lot more fun as guests - much more relaxing, and they’ll be able to hang out together.

Your family and his family will be happy and you can strip worrying about it.

The close friend/MOH and the 8 year old flower girl. Anything else is OTT unless he is a member of the royal family 😂 or there is someone else from the list you desperately want.
workmates come and go and neither of the older women on his side sound like you are very close. Keep it simple.