Can’t pick bridesmaids, DP putting pressure on me to decide

He can give his sister and niece a role if he likes but I want my friends and cousins around me on the day.

I think it's important to build relationships and connections between the two families so I would definitely include his sister and niece in your side. This is the joining of two families together.

I would have your best friend as MOH as planned, then your cousins as bridesmaids and the little niece as a flower girl. No other friends, no one else from his family. Your attendants then include a friend, your family and his family, and there’s no need to choose between your other friends. Id any of them do get huffy, tell a white lie and say you didn’t really want one of the cousins (doesn’t matter which), but that you had to be fair to both sides of your family, so you hope they understand that you couldn’t include everyone.

MOH, 2 friends not from work, 2 cousins makes 5. 16 year old is ring bearer/head flower girl, sister gives a toast.

This is what I would do, always family first.

Personally I'd keep it down to your best friend as maid of honour and your two cousins as bridesmaids; anyone else who wan ts a role can do a reading or whatever

As with the best man, the maid of honour's usually a job for just one person so nobody else should moan it's not them, and DH's siblings are already included with the niece as flower girl and brother as best man - which balances up nicely with your two family members (cousins) having a role as bridesmaids

Pick his sister, if you looking at 5 can still have other friends/cousins

Oh and could the 16yr old be the ‘manager of the flower girls’ rather than a bridesmaid?

Are you having people you actually want at the wedding, saying your dad and inlaws have their own guest list?

Sounds like it is going to be a cast of thousands

So 6 bridesmaids, and 3 flower girls? This is ludicrous …there won’t be any room in photos for the bride once you fit that lot in 🤣🤣🤣

Can you afford to have all of them? If so, just go for it and dont worry about uneven numbers versus ushers.

Otherwise create a new role for your friends and invite them to everything the bridesmaids would do/lean on them as of they were bridesmaids and explain its because of family pressure that they are going to be ‘managers of the bride’ (or whatever) rather than official bridesmaids. If they are good friends they will understand. The only thing they would miss is walking down the aisle with you. They could even have their own dress coordination thing that blends with the wedding but is distinct from the official bridesmaids.

It’s one day. Just pick some, do it, and get on with the rest of your life.

Give his sister a reading or something like that but don’t have her in your bridal party or she’d be involved in organising your hen and everything like that. Plus if she’s unreliable and cancels a lot that is problematic when organising things in the run up to the wedding. It is different for your partner, as you pointed out, because his groomsmen are all people he can have a laugh with it - tell him if he has issue with it you don’t mind if he drops your brother as a groomsman. For all you know she might be relieved!

Just have your MoH.

However when it comes to what the role of a bridesmaid is, I’m not sure it makes sense to have someone who isn’t close to me (and again I’ve tried) to be there every step of it over people who I am close to and would want to spend the time with?
On the morning off I can’t imagine her being massively supportive where as my friends would be. Same for his niece really

Have you told him this, the reason why you want certain people there as your bridal party?

Did you have any say in who he has for his groomsmen?

I think his best man and your moh are non negotiable, but does he have any other members of your family as part of his support? If not, I don't think he really gets a say in who you have. I would also remind him about his sister cancelling all those get togethers with you over the years.

*five would be

Sorry the flower girl isn’t part of my 6, along with 2 other flower girls (DPs goddaughters) that will make up a separate kids party.

In that case:

Dh - six people (best man plus five)

You, ideally, six people (moh, leaves five)

So, four would be:

Second close friend and 2 others from that group - nice even numbers
His sister
16 year old

Means the two from his side know each other and you have your four mates from the same group. Wouldn't have work friends in the party.

I asked DH's sister, not becuase of pressure from him, but expectations from his parents. I thought I was doing the right thing, even though we weren't close, but what actually happened was it gave her loads of things to be spiteful about, she didn't like anything I wanted and in the end decided a couple of weeks before the wedding that she couldn't bear to do it.

As a result MIL refused to speak to me (literally refused to open her mouth, even when I spoke to her) at my wedding.

We were married 30 years, but NC with his family for 20 and it should have happened sooner.

Don't do it if you're not close, just because you think you should, if there are any tensions, it will make them worse not better.

TBH your friends don't sound like people I'd pick either. Just have the MoH and the flower girl.

It’s 14 months off … your two Work Friends may have toddled off to new jobs by then, and seeing as you only socialise through work, you won’t be seeing them.

Family, on the other hand, is a bit more permanent

If this is bothering you and it is taking the shine off your wedding, just have everyone you would want as bridesmaid. It is not worth the stress if you can afford them all. I say that as someone who had one bridesmaid.

It has to be your decision, however for balance (ie 5 bridesmaids to match 5 groomsmen), second very close friend, two cousins, niece and sister in law to be may be the least drama. That does mean flower girl being an extra person on top of the 5… I appreciate that leaves out a friend that you were bridesmaid for but that would be petty of your friend to hold that against you (if she was that type of person, she very well might not be).

You could also choose one of the non-bridesmaids to do a reading?

If you each have 5 people supporting you, the altar (or equivalent) is going to look like a rugby scrum, and nobody will be able to see you and your DH-to-be. I'd just have the MOH and the flower girls and be done with it.