Can’t pick bridesmaids, DP putting pressure on me to decide

Can you just buy the other two a bridesmaid dress, let them walk down together but not have them with your bridal party in the morning?

I'd go with the MOH you've chosen then family from both sides.

I didn’t have my SIL as a bridesmaid and we’re actually quite friendly and close now. I just had my two best friends. To be fair, my husband didn’t really care so it was easier. We asked my SIL to be a witness so she still had a role but just wasn’t a bridesmaid.

I’ve not read the whole thread but why have such a large party? You could have say your MOH and flower girl, and ask your friends to come help you get ready in the morning/spend time with you before.

If you have his sister/niece as bridesmaid doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll see them much in the morning. Are the sister/nieces close? Could they share a room to get ready in and you get ready with your friends?

Also, unless you’re millionaires that’s a lot of ushers to buy/rent suits for. Sack half of them off and get the DF to meet them in the pub an hour beforehand for a quick drink to quench the nerves.

1 MOH. 6 bridesmaids. 3 flower girls.

6 groomsmen. 1 best man.

More than 10% of the wedding attendees are going to be in the bridal party.

Surely you can find a role for the SIL and cousins somewhere? It'll look like a huge snub otherwise.

I'd do this too.

His niece will be your niece soon and his sister will be your sister in law. These people will be in your life for a very long time (potentially) so I'd include them personally.

That said I think trying to coordinate that many bridesmaids will be an absolute headache, they'll all have different opinions on what they want to wear etc.

Yeah it makes no sense to put “someone first” just because they’re going to be legally family” soon. If she was close with her soon to be SIL fine, but there’s some clearly unease and distance between them. Why on earth put her before her close friends who are warm and loving to her just because of a title? Absurd.

Also it’s likely the sister doesn’t want to be a bridesmaid anyway and it doesn’t sound like she’ll be much good at hiding it, the same way they haven’t hidden their lack of interest in OPs attempts to hang out.

OP has made good efforts to build connections with soon to be SIL which haven’t been reciprocated. I don’t think a wedding is the right time to try again. She will have a lifetime of opportunities to try and bond with her SIL after the wedding. If that’s what they both want.

I'm generally of the 'you should have who you want' school of thought as being with you when you get ready is a very personal thing. I like my sil but no way would I have wanted her there. We asked her to do a reading and sign the register instead so she had a role

However, I only had 2 bridesmaids (and only 20 people at my ceremony!). I think having 6 including moh and not including her seems odd, particularly if I understand rightly that all other siblings will have a role. As for the niece, is it a done deal that her younger sister is flower girl? If it is I think you have to ask her, or you are playing favourites with the nieces surely? You should have decided this before you started asking your brother to be groomsmen, niece to be flower girl etc.

Personally, choose who you want to and encourage DP to find a role for his sister/niece within the wedding if he so wishes. Without your mum there you need to have other people to support you through the day. You don't need the stress of people you aren't really close to being in that close group.

This sounds like a wise move . I was a bridesmaid about 15 years ago for my friend and she is close to her husbands sister who was about 16 back then but didn’t ask them to be a bridesmaid

I think there were six of us bridesmaids including the MOH and we stayed overnight in her house the night before and had such a fun morning together. She chose close friends! All of us, bar one, are still in her life.

Cousins and his sister. Sorted.

This.

Have you considered sister in law could be a witness and sign the marriage register. That's what I did with my brother and my sister in law. Kept bridesmaids and ushers to friends.

I think you’ve made it quite clear you don’t want his sister as part of the wedding party. I guess your dh had picked up on the vibe.

You want others to agree with you, so are trying to garner support. You should pick who you want, and own it. Don’t be surprised if it doesn’t go down well, but people can react how they want, as you can. once we have made a choice you will feel better, but I guess your dh might be a little hurt and that’s ok too.

fwiw, my sil dangled being in her bridal party, I didn’t want too, between all the fussing and drama I made it clear that it wasn’t for me. Bro was a bit upset with me, but it was far too high expectation for me. Your sil
might feel the same

Your bridesmaids are one of the few things on the day that’s just your choice, so have who you truly want to stand by your side as you start your new married life.
your partner has clearly chosen who he wants to stand by his side and it’s a coincidence one of them happens to be your brother (he was picked because he’s a close friend of your partner, not because he’s your brother).
therefore don’t be pressurised into choosing certain people for optics/what others want. It sounds like a lot of other people are already getting their say about various other parts of the wedding - let this be your say!

p.s. it v old fashioned to choose family members for the bridal party because “it’s joining two families together”. Your wedding day is about you and your partner starting a new life together. You should have who is most important to you up there with you!

He gets to choose his groomsmen, you get to choose your bridesmaids. Its nobody else’s business!

Maid of honour and two cousins. No one else.

It never occurred to me to ask DH’s sister to be a bridesmaid (but she did do a reading). I wasn’t a bridesmaid at my brothers’ weddings either and took absolutely no offence. I expected my sister in laws to pick their sisters and / or best friends which is what they did.

Edited as I’d misread the op:

OK, I’d say your two cousins and your two close friends, and second very close friend but with your MOH that’s six.

If you’re close to his sister I’d say include her too but if not I don’t see why you should.

I did this! Saved me so much stress! My two besties don’t get on and it would have been hell.

OP said their families are mostly paying for it, almost 200 guests and a lot of obligation invites.

That's why, imo, there is all this stress. Cause needs to meet families expectations.

Yes, this.

Apparently she needs rock solid emotional support to get through a party.

Why on earth would you spend all that money?

Or are you expecting them to pay?

OP, I don't think that you should be coerced into adding his family to your side of the wedding party. If you were already friends, or at least enjoyed one another's company when with the family, then maybe. Including her has "pulling out near the day" written all over it.

I don't usually think this way, or ask this question, but do you find yourself always having to do things his way?