Can’t pick bridesmaids, DP putting pressure on me to decide

Put all names in a hat, pick out 5, good luck

No one actually wants to be a bridesmaid, if that helps. It’s expensive, stressful and you don’t get to choose your own clothes.

@Andue
Who is going to support you most on the wedding day and into life as a married couple?
Thays what bridesmaids should be about in my opinion.

Didn't the formula used to be 1 bridesmaid per 50 guests?

😥 SMDH

It would make it easier to go with your best friend and then just say family which would give you 5 and a maid of honour. Might avoid people taking offence?

I can't lie, this would have taken all the fun our of it for me. And I really disagree with your partner, how is asking people to be in your wedding a "favour" i think you should have your closest friends/family. Not people to even it out or to return the favour. Seems odd.

All names on paper, in a bowl and pick 5 out. Fairest way. You could even tell all the girls you’d like to have as bridesmaids and make a night of it with cocktails etc. I’d take it as a compliment that I was in the running but you’re strapped for budget to have all!
Good Luck!

Great decision OP.

I hope you have a wonderful day when it comes around!

If your DH has a best man + 5 ushers and you would like- and can afford- to balance this out, I'd pick your cousins and three closest friends in addition to your MoH - so 5 + MoH- and have your two work friends as wedding guests. Ask him to choose his sister as a witness or have her give a reading.

I'd personally have neither niece as I think that's an extra level of faff to include them and you can push the fact that traditionally these roles wouldn't be for relatives of the groom back at him if he complains. If you can't get out of having a flower girl without causing problems (ie the little one knows) would he trust his 16 yo niece to give a reading if his sister is a witness? Does the 16yo even want to be the wedding party and spend her morning getting ready amongst a bunch of people at a different age and stage of life, to whom she's an outsider.

Fwiw, if it helps, DH had 3 ushers plus a best man and I had 3 bridesmaids plus a MoH. He wanted to match me. I am an only child and I was able to pick my dearest friends, two of whom had had me as their bridesmaid. DH had his best friend, his two brothers and one of my cousins that he knows and is friendly with as his other good friend couldn't make it from the US and another friend he would've liked to ask was an uncertain attendee until late in the day.

We picked a witness each - I chose a friend that I know through and hang out with via 2 of my bridesmaids as I wanted to show her I value her too and DH chose his sister to give her a visible role to match her brothers. We also each chose someone to give a reading, I picked a school friend that I am close to - though slightly less than the bridesmaids- and wanted to give a role to, who has a beautiful speaking voice . DH chose one of my bridesmaids who does am dram as he thought she'd be a polished and reliable choice of reader. I had two work friends in attendance as well, as guests.

Our hill to die on was no child bridesmaids as we had a just 3yo on his side and a 5yo on mine and we both thought that were a layer of faff we - and their families - didn't need and my friends and I certainly didn't want two small children foisted on us, even for a short amount of time. I had simply never wanted children involved in my wedding. Neither had DH. We also thought the 3yo wasn't ready for it and it was therefore fairer to have neither than either or and upset one half of the room. The 5yo also had a 3yo brother and we didn't want him possibly then shoe horned in either. We also had a budget. I paid for dresses, alterations, hair and makeup up for my bridal party, as well as accessories and a thank you necklace each. DH hired all the suits and paid for thank you cufflinks. We felt that this was fair as they were abiding by our colour choice and style choices to varying degrees. We would rather have been generous to those we had chosen than spend a single penny on something we begrudged. Are you paying for stuff for the wedding party OP as that immediately limits your numbers as well, if you need an excuse!

Well we don't know if any proposed bridesmaid wants to be until they are asked.

Or extremely awkward at being required to wear a dress of someone else’s choosing and being a bridesmaid when she hardly knows the bride…

I would be more inclined to include those who haven't been bridesmaids or married themselves, a 16 year old could feel quite left out if her sister is flower girl and she hasn't been in a wedding party.

I’d have your 2 cousins and his sister. If his niece has never been a bridesmaid I’d ask her too

Maybe have 16yo as chief wrangler of the flower girls,

did he choose his multiple best men?
whole thing is a bonkers waste of money & stress, but I thought choice of bridesmaids was down to the bride?

Hi OP

If you want to keep equal numbers and match the Grooms party I’d go for:

MOH
Very Close friend
2 other close friends
2 cousins

Then have the Grooms sister and niece do other roles such as readings or being your witness. I’d be tempted to have his sister but the above makes sense for you.

I'd pick MoHb then 2 cousins, second close friend and his sister. I think if you have 1 less than your husband that's fine

I only had my sisters as MOH and flowergirl but my SIL did my make up.

I certainly wouldn't say everyone. It's just the size of the bridal party to me, it would seem like a snub. If the bride was just having a MOH and the two cousins then I think it would feel different.

Why should she though? Like many brides, she wants to be standing next to bridesmaids she’s close to and have them play a big role in her special day especially since her mum won’t be there .

Some of those people she is close to include family like her cousins but some of them are not - like her best friends. Her cousins are being invited because they’re close to her not simply just because they are “family”.

Why replace best friends or family you’re close with someone who has made little effort to get to know her just to please her partner? I say please her partner because it’s very possible this SIL isn’t even interested in this role so it wouldn’t even be pleasing the SIL!

I think a lot of people on MN don’t have a lot of close friends and relationships outside of their marriage/family, so they struggle with the idea of grasping someone may have multiple friends they want standing next to them on their wedding day.

I don’t know anyone who has had their fiancés sister in the bridal party! And guess what? They get on fine and absolutely no-one was offended.

I’m glad Op has decided not to include the soon to be SIL. And to be frank probably so is she!

Rubbish! So everyone who gets married has to have their DH’s sister as a bridesmaid whether they get on or not? Many don’t.

So... Should she be part of a chat group, morning preparation, hen do... Or should she be pro-forma bridesmaid, who will be out of the fun and join only at the wedding?

Don't think of having his sister as a bridesmaid is you being hard done by - it's just a formality which means a lot to him and the wider family and won't have any negative impact on you whatsoever. You can't not have her, he's having your brother, regardless of your closeness with her.

It would be a big snub not to have her so just suck it up, it won't affect you, just tag her on as one more bridesmaid and move on.

My best friend only had family bridesmaids (from both sides).

But I helped her to dress, did her make-up and organised her (small) hen do. I was with her right up to when she got into the car to the church, and was outside the church to arrange her dress before she went in.

Real friends don't need a fancy dress and a title on your day. Family are not usually so forgiving, and it ripples outwards to parents of family etc. So I'd stick to family for the bridesmaids etc, but have your friends close if you want to.

I’m sorry OP but this is really baffling.

This should be the happiest day of your life. It shouldn’t be this hard and complicated.

I see from a previous post that budget/costings wont be an issue. So why do you have to have a certain number? Matching the number of bridesmaids to groomsman is just plain daft.

Invite who you want. It’s your bridal party. Not your husbands.

Do what feels right for you. I’ve been a bridesmaid 3 times and there were never anyone from the grooms side in the bridal party.