boyfriend of 6 months shared sexual history | AIBU

There were 8 years between my parents. They married when Mum was 23, so i assume she was about 21 when they met, and Dad 29 (I'm not quite sure when they met, just that Mum started as his housekeeper.) They were married over 30 years till death did them part.

I wouldn’t be worried. It would be different if they'd met at 15 and 23, though.

I couldn't get worked up about this. I had sex with a 29 year old when I was 19 and it was bloody brilliant.
Then I went the other way and had sex with a 19 year old when I was 24. Also bloody brilliant.
I'm glad I had the experiences before I settled down with my husband.

He's done nothing wrong, but if it gives you the ick then leave him. You don't need a reason.

Ignore all the wannabe 'cool' girls, OP. The age/power imbalance is causing you to question his behaviour and that's entirely valid. He also hasn't reacted well to you telling him your concerns.

You don't need approval from anyone to end a relationship for any reason. But I can totally understand your concern. It it puts him in a bad light and I personally would walk away.

He hasn't done anything wrong, at all.

It's a you problem. If you want to be weird about it then alright leave him, I am sure he will find any future dates wouldn't care.

You should maybe have this conversation with potential future partners earlier on, to make sure they have only ever had sexual relations with people aged within 2 years of their current age at the time or whatever you deem acceptable.

Very much this. Consulting adults have sex shocker!

I think you are massively overreacting.

i dated a 27 yo at 17 and a 31 yo at 21. The relationships were 3 years and 5 years respectively. I was engaged to and lived with the second. If anything I outgrew them both as I matured. I never felt a power imbalance. A 10 year age gap is nothing to get worked up about imo.

I feel that who a partner has slept with, unless they have broken the law, prior to meeting me is absolutely none of my business.

You don't feel the same, and that is fine, but this six month old long distance relationship is causing you this amount of heartache and confusion, I think that you know what you need to do, for both of your sakes. It's happened. He can't take it back, or undo it, I'm not sure what you want him to do or say? If I was in his shoes I'd be losing patience rapidly.

Are you worried about what it says about him morally? What do you think that is? What's your fear?

No matter who you meet, you don't get to vet who they had sex with before they knew you existed, or indeed control who they might have sex with in future. It might be a good idea to see if you can shift your perspective on this, otherwise you're in for a bit of a bumpy ride.

please can you explain what "drawing out boundaries" is

I think a lot of 19 year olds are going to actively seek out older men

What is it exactly that you don’t like? You mentioned a power imbalance but it’s not always the case of the older person holding all the power. Do you know any other details of the relationship? Was the 19 year old happy with it just being casual, because if they were, what’s the issue? There is a power imbalance in most relationships if you look for it. I am older than my partner but he is much stronger and bigger than me, I could say there is a power imbalance there as I would be very much the weaker person if he were to suddenly turn violent.

My outsiders perspective is that it wouldn’t bother me. Everyone was legal and consenting so to me there is no issue. Unless after 6 months there were signs that this man could be abusive of controlling I would just assume he was enjoying a casual relationship. And there is nothing wrong with that.

@brandnewsomething I do understand why you are feeling this way. I can see how you probably feel a little paranoid that he typically went for much younger women in the past, I do find it just a little odd too, particularly the 19 year old. It does make you question his intentions having sex with a teenager 10 years his junior. Not the most manly thing and not exactly romantic or kind. Then again, you don’t know - maybe she looked and acted a lot older (we can straight away think of fresh out of college, semi vulnerable young girls but perhaps that wasn’t the case).

I know i’m not being helpful in any way but wanted to say I do get it. I don’t think you are being unreasonable and can’t help how you feel.

I do think you need to go with your gut - what kind of man is he RIGHT NOW? Do you trust him? Would you break his heart if you left? Would he fight for you? Is there a certain future?

I am speaking for myself mostly, but even so, the sort of comments in the OP are like to just get the response yu what??? from most people I know - maybe it is the way it is written - it seems like americans attach a huge amount more importance to their introspections than brits do, not to their feelings as such, but about the time it takes them to ruminate on their feelings

So you will only be with someone if they match exactly what you have set up in your head is acceptable

In a way I would say everyone does this but you seem to be very specific, will anyone match what you have decided

Speak for yourself.

what does "draw out boundaries" mean? The whole tone of your OP sounds hugely american. In the UK, you are not really going to be understood and empathised with, we don't think so hard and so long about these things.

I think you are making an issue out of a non issue, personally.

The man has done nothing wrong. At that age, I had been working full time for three years, had my own car, was pretty level headed, and the thought of dating a teenage boy was repellent. All my relationships were with older men, most of whom are still dear friends to this day.

I bet he never tells you anything ever again if this is how you are. I certainly wouldn't in his shoes.

I think you're being unreasonable, if your bf having past casual relationships with women 9-7 years younger than himself is this big a deal, just end it.

I think it's a bit rich to guilt trip him over something he can't undo, declare you need space to "draw boundaries" (what boundaries? If you shag someone younger than me, I'm leaving you?) and then get annoyed because he asked you to let him know if you want to break up.

I am not sure that an English forum where the posters are primarily from a different country and the age of consent is lower, is going to give you the sounding board you are looking for.

In general though, if you aren’t happy or you can’t move past it, then end the relationship (assuming he doesn’t do it for you).

Oh just saw this, sigh.

I would not have an issue with this at all. I’m surprised at how you’re behaving, is there a jealousy issue behind it?