boyfriend of 6 months shared sexual history | AIBU

I actually think it’s gross. I dated a 31 year old when I was 19 and looking back it’s like, what the fuck was he doing? I thought I was all sorted and mature but in retrospect, it’s gross. And I could not have even conceptualised dating a 19 year old when I was 28. It’s just my opinion and people get hugely defensive about this but that’s how I feel about it.

If you think your boyfriend has done something that you consider to be wrong or that makes you feel unsafe - which you obviously do - then end the relationship. No need to consult other people.

Personally, I wouldn't be remotely bothered if my adult partner had slept with another adult who was a few years younger than him. But you obviously are, and that's up to you.

If my boyfriend announced that he used to go hunting as a hobby, I'd leave him over that. Some people would think that was a ridiculous reason to leave someone, but that wouldn't matter because it's not their relationship. Same applies here.

It seems to me that you don't really want advice here at all, you just want validation for your opinion. I'm not sure why you need that validation, though. Just dump him if you think he's some sort of sexual predator.

I’m not sure if I am misunderstanding here but I don’t think he has had a relationship with these women. He’s just had fairly casual sex with three women within the stage of a year which doesn’t suggest relationships. Lots of people aren’t really too concerned about ages (as long as legal and consenting) when it’s just sex. They aren’t looking for power, influence or anything long term.

This. You either want a relationship with him or you don't given thus information, it's nit like he can change what he's done in the past

Have you been to California? 😂

(no offence OP 😁)

It sounds like you've got the ick.

Don't ignore that. If you start ignoring your feelings....where will that lead?

I can understand why this has given you the ick. I went out with a guy who was divorced with kids, I then found out that he had married his wife when she fell pregnant at 21 with his child, he was 32. I thought it was gross. Didn’t want to see him after that.

Is the 'moral dilemma' that he is having casual sex in the first place? Because honestly I don't think the age gaps are an issue, as others have said they are all consenting adults. I can understand it making you feel uncomfortable if you don't agree with casual sex at all.

YABU and sound like a bot! Who talks like this....?

I'm much older than you, amd all I can say is I wish I'd had this conversation with men in my life at your age and I k ow many womne in their forties and fifties do also. So I think youre being very sensible to comsider whether your values align or not. Its all cool and fun when you're in your twenties. It's not so much fun when you're stuck at home with kids/babies or going through the menopause and you find out your partner, who has aged along with you, is sleeping with his secretary, hiring prostitutes, embarrassing him and you by trying it on with young girls at the office. All these things have happenend to friends of mine who used to think their partners were 'cool'.

Only you can decide whether his sexual experience rings any alwarm bells for future behaviour. I think its good you are questioning this though.

what do you mean by "triggered"? you asked what people think and they told you. I think it sounds very passive aggressive to accuse people of being "triggered". can you explain what that even means to you?

Good grief, I read wrong. Edited to delete my silly post!! Sorry!

Who else would you expect her to be speaking for?

I had a brief relationship with a 34 year old man when I was 22 and a longer relationship with a 30 year old man when I was 23. I don't really see what the big deal is. I could see your point of view if he'd been in his 40s at the time but 28 is still pretty young.

Males are immature emotionally longer (and older) it’s very probable that he had the same maturity as a 19-21 year old female at that point.

I really do see nothing wrong here. And i think that him being corrected into feeling badly about it (that just the way it sounds) is unreasonable and a bit controlling.
You don’t need to share his values and you don’t need to be with him if you have issues with the life he lived before you came along. That also works the other way around.

I think that whilst I can understand your concern, those relationships aren't necessarily revealing a problem in his attitude or view of females / young females.

I think a lot guys are oblivious to these relationship power dynamic politics until quite late in life, often when a female they care about draws their attention to it and they consider the issues more deeply. They haven't needed to be aware, often aren't but people mature, and with more life experience can acquire a point of view they didn't previously have - you're not giving him chance to do this.

In fact you are painting those relationships (maybe fairly, maybe unfairly) with the taint of suggesting they were certainly problematic which is not necessarily the case.

When I was 18 I was in a relationship for 6 months with a 28 year old, the connection was genuine, I want coerced or exploited (I have been by other people, so I know what that looks and feels like). It wasn't ever going to be marriage and kids but that's ok, neither of us were looking for that.

It is true that abusive, or predatory males will often seek younger partners because it is easier to take advantage, but it is a false correlation to say that an older male with a younger partner is then predatory as a matter of course.

It would depend on personality, was he their boss, and many other things for the true nature of those relationships too be understood.

Though, yes, an older male getting into a relationship with a younger female if they are a decent guy should be careful he is not taking advantage.

Of course it's her business! She's dating the man! How are any of us supposed to know if someone is right for us if we're not allowed to ask for any personal info??

You're quoting your own sarcasm with more sarcasm @brandnewsomething

It's not a good look.

You gave half a story.

You don't want to hear the replies that don't agree with you.

Just finish with him before you make him paranoid.

What do you want from this thread OP?
Do you want people to agree with you and validate your revulsion or do you genuinely want to know what others think?

It seems you're probably not able to get past this so probably best to end it. Rather a lot of drama so early in a relationship

I get it OP. Its icky and says something about his character that you need to be aware of if you go into a serious relationship with him. 28 and 21 wouldnt bother me i dont think but 28 and 19 is not great. Lots of men (and women apparently) think thats fine but I have a 19y old (a modern one, before i get all the responses about fought in the first world war, was married with 2 kids by then etc) and they are not mature enough for healthy sexual relationships with 28y olds.

The thing is its not really a big deal now at your ages, just a little questionable. But ask yourself how you will feel if you end up with this guy and he starts shagging the young 21y old graduate at his office when he's in his mid forties. Thats the danger I think. Men that like young women dont generally change their tastes as they get older. You only have to look at the porn that some middle aged men consume to confirm that.