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Original poster

boyfriend of 6 months shared sexual history | AIBU

165 replies

brandnewsomething · 14/06/2024 11:51

hi all, reaching out as I need an outsider’s opinion on a moral dilemma I’m having after my boyfriend of 6 months told me he’s had short, sexual relationships with a 19 yo, 20 and 21 yo at the age of 28.

For context, he is currently 31 and I am turning 29. He hasn’t dated in 2 years and we met through mutual friends. We are long distance. My friends are very in the know of our relationship journey and have approved him because they’ve seen his positive effects in my life—stability, kindness, generosity, effort, intention, servitude. But I’m starting to question everything now.

When I encouraged him to consider how problematic that is and the power dynamic of that age gap, he was very much on defense.

At first, his response was to insist that it was only casual sex and not full blown relationships, which didn’t make me feel better or feel like he understand the moral issue.

By the end of the conversation, he admitted that it was questionable behavior and said it’s not something he would do again. It’s hard to tell if he was genuine about this or just agreeing with me to end the conversation and move on.

I haven’t been able to move on, or continue acting like everything is OK and I know he can tell.

I reached out to him today to share that I still felt conflicted and needed some time and space to be introspective and draw out my boundaries. He again gave me mixed responses. He first told me he respected the space needed but later in the conversation he emotionally withdrew and told me if I’m planning to with him to let him know so he can let go.

I felt so uncomfortable ending the call because I was not proposing a breakup but he took it there. I feel uncomfortable retelling this.

If I had shared this info with me on our first date, it would have caused me to exit. but because I’ve experienced 6 months of comfort and safety with this person, I’m very confused.

I’m reaching out for compassionate insight, because I’ve grown to love this man and this information he’s shared with me is causing a huge inner conflict.

I don’t know whether to stay and work it out or take the signs and cut things off before I get in too deep.

Kind feedback welcome, my heart is feeling tired <3 thanks in advance

OP posts:
LordPercyPercy · 14/06/2024 12:59

Because I’m GenZ

You speak like an American who is very into therapy.

x2boys · 14/06/2024 12:58

brandnewsomething · 14/06/2024 11:58

This is a helpful perspective. Situation was that he had admittedly set his Tinder age range to start at 18, which reflects to me that we might not share the same values.

Show quote history

I dont think he's done anything wrong
But you can split up with for any reason if.it makes you uncomfortable.

Original poster
brandnewsomething · 14/06/2024 12:58

LordPercyPercy · 14/06/2024 12:56

OP why do you talk like that?

But you can break up with anyone for any reason you like. I think you're being daft but if it's outwith your comfort zone then finish it.

Edited

Because I’m GenZ

OP posts:
WetBandits · 14/06/2024 12:57

Sex and dating are pretty different, imo. I had quite a lot of sex with older men when I was 18/19 and it was great, because sex was all I and they wanted at the time. Would I have actually dated any of them at that age? No, because we were at different life stages and it wouldn’t have worked. But sex, depending on your general attitude towards it, is just sex.

rwalker · 14/06/2024 12:56

You have a problem with it so end it

many people don’t but from his perspective I wouldn’t like to be on the end of your judgement

Original poster
brandnewsomething · 14/06/2024 12:56

RomanRoysSearchHistory · 14/06/2024 12:53

I think the responses here will vary depending on the posters perspective. If they're posting using their own self as the example, they would say you're being silly because they themselves WOULD be intimate with a 28 year old at 19, or vice versa. (I personally wouldn't at either end of that age range, I have nothing against anyone that would).

Some posters will be coming from the perspective of their 19 year old daughter sleeping with a 28 year old man. Those responses will be VERY different. If my son was 28 and sleeping with a 19 year old I'd wonder wtf was going on, tbh.

So in making your decision as to whether to proceed with the relationship you'll need to balance the last 6 months of happiness and safety against the ick you now have from him behaving in a way that goes against your own principles. Only you know that, but personally I'd give it some time to see whether it was something we could overcome because of the otherwise good relationship. They do not come around often.

Wow. This was so perceptive and so, so helpful. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

OP posts:
LordPercyPercy · 14/06/2024 12:56

OP why do you talk like that?

But you can break up with anyone for any reason you like. I think you're being daft but if it's outwith your comfort zone then finish it.

Willyoujustbequiet · 14/06/2024 12:54

I get it OP

A 28 year old with a 19 year old would give me the ick. I couldn't be attracted to someone who thought that was ok tbh.

RomanRoysSearchHistory · 14/06/2024 12:53

I think the responses here will vary depending on the posters perspective. If they're posting using their own self as the example, they would say you're being silly because they themselves WOULD be intimate with a 28 year old at 19, or vice versa. (I personally wouldn't at either end of that age range, I have nothing against anyone that would).

Some posters will be coming from the perspective of their 19 year old daughter sleeping with a 28 year old man. Those responses will be VERY different. If my son was 28 and sleeping with a 19 year old I'd wonder wtf was going on, tbh.

So in making your decision as to whether to proceed with the relationship you'll need to balance the last 6 months of happiness and safety against the ick you now have from him behaving in a way that goes against your own principles. Only you know that, but personally I'd give it some time to see whether it was something we could overcome because of the otherwise good relationship. They do not come around often.

Mumoftwo1316 · 14/06/2024 12:52

brandnewsomething · 14/06/2024 12:49

LOL actually so true. Realizing now that this isnt the forum for a vulnerable feely person . I THOUGHT IT WAS ALL MUMS HERE

Show quote history

Erm, well I for one am a mum so I'm not sure what you're getting at. I would say many mums typically aren't "vulnerable and feely" about silly stuff like a brief boyfriend. If you've (say) had a baby in intensive care, or experienced birth injuries etc etc it really puts stuff into perspective. I wouldn't bother agonising this much over a man I'd basically just met

Original poster
brandnewsomething · 14/06/2024 12:50

Hiddenvoice · 14/06/2024 12:49

It wouldn’t bother me but it has bothered you. If you feel uneasy or it’s made you feel uncomfortable then take the time you need to think it over.
If it doesn’t sit right with you then you can’t change how you feel.

This is very clarifying thank you so much!

OP posts:
Hiddenvoice · 14/06/2024 12:49

It wouldn’t bother me but it has bothered you. If you feel uneasy or it’s made you feel uncomfortable then take the time you need to think it over.
If it doesn’t sit right with you then you can’t change how you feel.

Original poster
brandnewsomething · 14/06/2024 12:49

Mumoftwo1316 · 14/06/2024 12:46

And I agree with the pps that your turns of phrase sound very odd to a British audience - so much touchy feely psychobabble about compassion and grace etc - that's why you're not getting sympathetic responses.

LOL actually so true. Realizing now that this isnt the forum for a vulnerable feely person . I THOUGHT IT WAS ALL MUMS HERE

OP posts:
Howbizarre22 · 14/06/2024 12:48

KreedKafer · 14/06/2024 12:30

Who else would you expect her to be speaking for?

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Read her post. She is trying to speak on behalf of the UK.

Mumoftwo1316 · 14/06/2024 12:46

And I agree with the pps that your turns of phrase sound very odd to a British audience - so much touchy feely psychobabble about compassion and grace etc - that's why you're not getting sympathetic responses.

AIstolemylunch · 14/06/2024 12:46

Thats such a non argument as 50 year olds are completely different from teens and twenty year olds, as you well know. Of course it wouldnt have matter 30y ago at 22 and 29. But it would have 40 years ago at 12 and 19! What is the point? You met in your fifties or forties when age gaps become less and less relevant due to stage of life. We spend much longer as mature adults than as young adults/teens/kids.

romdowa · 14/06/2024 12:45

brandnewsomething · 14/06/2024 11:58

This is a helpful perspective. Situation was that he had admittedly set his Tinder age range to start at 18, which reflects to me that we might not share the same values.

Show quote history

The deception is the unreasonable part and that alone wouldn't be OK for me.

Original poster
brandnewsomething · 14/06/2024 12:45

Lweji · 14/06/2024 12:41

I think YABU, but if you think less of him, and even dislike him over this, it´s up to you.
You do not owe him anything, and you can end this relationship if you are not happy with any aspect of him.
You do not need his, nor our, consent.

100000000p thank you 🙏🏼

OP posts:
Mumoftwo1316 · 14/06/2024 12:45

Yanbu to find those age gaps icky.

Yabu (in my opinion) to be having "huge inner conflict" after just "6 months of safety and comfort" with this man.

6 months! It's the blink of an eye. I've got cheese in the fridge older than that.

Just leave him and move on

Original poster
brandnewsomething · 14/06/2024 12:44

KreedKafer · 14/06/2024 12:39

If you think your boyfriend has done something that you consider to be wrong or that makes you feel unsafe - which you obviously do - then end the relationship. No need to consult other people.

Personally, I wouldn't be remotely bothered if my adult partner had slept with another adult who was a few years younger than him. But you obviously are, and that's up to you.

If my boyfriend announced that he used to go hunting as a hobby, I'd leave him over that. Some people would think that was a ridiculous reason to leave someone, but that wouldn't matter because it's not their relationship. Same applies here.

It seems to me that you don't really want advice here at all, you just want validation for your opinion. I'm not sure why you need that validation, though. Just dump him if you think he's some sort of sexual predator.

Show quote history

This was really helpful to read. I’m seeking advice but not from folks on here that are quick to invalidate me for even posting this…that’s the whole reason why I felt hurt and needed some guidance online 🥲. I’m realizing that I need helping quelling the fear that he might be capable of worse and and maybe some kind guidance on how to handle the next conversation with more grace / understanding.

OP posts:
Maddy70 · 14/06/2024 12:43

Eh??? All perfectly normal and gine relationships

EBearhug · 14/06/2024 12:42

I'm seeing a 59yo. I'm 52. Would it have been different if we'd met 30 years earlier?

IHateGeckosGarage · 14/06/2024 12:42

You sound like you've read way too many articles on how to date. How you write is weird. You sound like a robot.

Lweji · 14/06/2024 12:41

I think YABU, but if you think less of him, and even dislike him over this, it´s up to you.
You do not owe him anything, and you can end this relationship if you are not happy with any aspect of him.
You do not need his, nor our, consent.

ladyofshertonabbas · 14/06/2024 12:41

I think you’re making a really big deal out of this!