boyfriend of 6 months shared sexual history | AIBU

It's not the age gap

It's that they were so young, and three on the bounce.

He's said himself he wouldn't do it again..which but it took 3 experiences to work that out.

Above age of consent doesn't equate to mature.

Annnnnd what else might he have a go at three times before deciding It's not for him...?

adults, and the age difference isn’t that
much either… if it was 20 and 45 I would see an issue ..

🤣 OMG, yes! People who are so into "solving" problems that they end up creating them!

A 19 year old is not a girl.

So a 50 year old man and 19 year old girl is OK? Where is the line?

I honestly don’t see a problem. Met my husband at 18 he was 27, we were, and still are a great match 32 years later.

Sorry about the messed up formatting there.
Bold, not bold, bullets... It all went haywire and even in edit I can't correct it!

I think it is a big mistake to conclude, as fact, that these relationships reveal something unpalatable about him.

If I was him, and those relationships had been characterised by mutual consideration and enjoying something together which satisfied what each was looking for (even if that's just a bit of fun)... And then a couple of years later someone came along, full of an acute awareness of how problematic male behaviour can present itself.. and then without really knowing much about those relationships, explained to me that i what I did couldn't have been ok, was certainly a symptom of my exercising unfair power over them, and downgrading their view of me based on that subjective point of view, I'd be pretty unhappy.

Lots of young adult women enjoy a relationship with a somewhat older guy, the options at your own age are often pretty dismal, let's face it... How many 18/19 yo guys are mature enough to offer a fun relaxed relationship to a mature young adult female... Some would. Many won't.

When I was 18 the 28yo I was with was the guy I lost my virginity to... because he wasn't a young idiot, it was a great experience! I am so glad my first foray into that was lovely for me and not just a conquest for him, like it might have been if he still had stuff to prove himself - he was relaxed and in no hurry. He gave me confidence in myself, was supportive and was respectful about everything. At that time I didn't know a single guy my own age who could have given me that, I don't think that's always true but I don't think that's unusual either.

Add to that, if you are a 28yo guy wanting an intimate relationship, one where you don't necessarily want to get serious... but are fully aware that females your own age are highly likely to want to get serious you have limited choices which are...

• Get together with a female who is not likely to want to get serious, so young enough to be just playing the field herself. * * Find a female your own age who is definitely not looking for a serious relationship - not easy at all
• Get together with a female your own age without caring if she is hoping for a serious relationship, and tell her what she wants to hear while you have your fun, and waste her time.

So out of those options, the younger women option is arguably the least problematic! You have a lot to offer her that suits her age and stage. Ditto she you.

obviously if you are seeking young women because you know/hope they will put up with crap treatment and have poor boundaries, that's a whole other scenario, but if you are offering a decent respectful relationship to someone who wants it, I can't see the problem.

We are now so much more alert to these shitty exploitative types which is entirely a good thing, but life isn't black and white and it isn't true that every age gap relationship is a symptom of a sick attitude.

In your shoes I'd be more curious about his experience of those relationships, more interested in what his connection with them was.
I'd factor in my own experience of how his mind works and what his values and moral compass is. I'd bear in mind that we all mature through life experience and he may not have until now had any reason to question his conduct in the arena of sexual politics, may have just been happily accepting that if someone says they're happy to be with him, then that's that.

So, my next step would be to talk to him, tell him you don't want to jump to conclusions, that snap judging someone when you weren't there is unrealistic and unfair and go from there.

I don't think op meant it literally- she meant that because we are (mostly) mums, she expected us to be Nice and huggy wuggy Earth mothers, who talk in similar language to the op (words like "safety and comfort", compassion, grace, draw boundaries, intention and servitude, etc).

The vast majority of mums I know have no time for this sort of navel gazing. Too busy getting actual stuff done.

Op, just leave him and move on. I for one agree that age gaps are icky. Not everyone agrees, but you do. So leave him, job done, the end.

I don't see the problem. I had a 28 year old boyfriend when I was 19. It didn't feel like an unbalanced relationship at all and I felt we were at a similar level of maturity.

Agreed, bet he's wishing he'd kept his mouth shut.
I mean who would put up with that level of moralising over something that probably happened years ago. Obviously not compatible - dump & move on.

Or that if you post on AIBU, you are going to get robust responses.

I had a relationship with a man who was 9 years older than me when I was 19/20.

It was a very nurturing, respectful, caring and surprisingly balanced relationship. He was a good guy and we had a wonderful time. He was a civil servant, I was at university and worked part time. We met each others families (my parents did a really good job of not freaking out about it!) we took trips, we hung out with our different friendship groups. We partied, we spent all our spare time together and I I really go to explore my sexual self with him.

It was a totally positive experience for me and even though we went our separate ways in the end (I was way too young to settle down and he wasn't) I remember him fondly and we still swap Christmas cards 20 years down the line.

He ended up with someone his own age, has been married for 15 years and has a young family (and I'm the exact same. Ended up with someone my own age!)

🤣

I'm reminded why I hate my job so much - hours upon hours on calls with American clients every day.

OP is in the USA.

It's 16 in the uk

Which one was only a year over the age of consent (16)

Haven't you seen the Childfree Board?

Or Dadsnet?

Or noticed that men post on all the threads on here?

Especially if she's then going to criticise him for drawing his own boundaries

I think you either have to accept it or end it. But all this "I need space and I need to draw boundaries" is really wrong and unfair in my opinion.

I agree with this. Obviously people have a range of opinions on whether the age gap is concerning- you're entitled to yours and you're entitled to end the relationship over this or anything else you choose. But equally, he is entitled to have had a past and to reject your analysis of it. You just need to decide what you want to do, not worry about what others would do.

FWIW I had a long term relationship with a man 12 years older than me when I was 18. There probably was power dynamic because of age (which I wasn't at all aware of at the time, nor that anyone might find it strange- his female friends used to be a bit weird with me and at the time I thought they just didn't like me, but in retrospect I think they felt uncomfortable with the situation) and also the fact that he had a "cool" occupation whereas I was a student. I regret it now, largely because it meant I didn't take full advantage of the stage of life I was at. But also I don't think he exploited me or had a problematic view of the relationship at all- in fact, the difference in life stage worked the other way, so when I was 21 I wanted my independence whereas he wanted to get married...I'm not sure these things are ever as straightforward as "old person is exploiting young person".

"He again gave me mixed responses. He first told me he respected the space needed but later in the conversation he emotionally withdrew and told me if I’m planning to with him to let him know so he can let go."

That's not a mixed message tbf, that's consistent.

My point being that you cannot expect a full run down of every act a person has carried out throughout the course of their life like an onboarding interview to ensure that it tallies with your own moral compass. You have no idea about the thoughts that go on in someones' head and rightly so.

He may well have had/would like other encounters that are more morally dubious to the OP, but he's keeping those under his hat. There is no way of knowing, but after six months, she's just found out that the bloke she is seeing has got some attitudes that are problematic for her. This could happen at six years in, sixteen years in and six children with him. It's your own responsibility to decide if a person is someone you want to stay in relationship with and this is an ongoing process.

It's just part of being in a relationship. It's part of the deal of being human and navigating a relationship with a human, you don't get to pick a squeaky clean one off the shelf with the features you've ordered, especially pertinent the older you get.

I think you are wasting a great deal of headspace on this as he has probably already decided to dumped you.

If you have an issue with the age gaps that's up to you and it's your perogative to end the relationship.

Where I think you are unreasonable is "I encouraged him to see how problematic that is". He might have done something you personally wouldn't do, but he hasn't actually done anything wrong. I don't think it's right for you to try and make him feel bad about something that he did before you even met him.

If a new partner told me they wanted me to reflect on my past problematic behaviours I'd be telling them where to go!

I think you either have to accept it or end it. But all this "I need space and I need to draw boundaries" is really wrong and unfair in my opinion.