Selfish Sibling?

Well then why don't you? And while you're at it swap the details on your mums medical contacts tk your sister. So when a&e calls to say she's had a fall she bears the mental load - she has to call you to ask you.
It sounds like you're taking on too much but not actually doing anything about it

YANBU. No back story in our case. Just one brother who did absolutely nothing when our mum was dying or afterwards. Hurt her so deeply as well that he stayed away and kept his kids away.

Yes you have to look after yourself but at the end of the day, someone has to help your parents. Assuming there is no backstory here on your sisters relationship with them.

While it is all very well people advising you to limit your caring responsibilities, who is actually going to bring them to appointments etc? Someone has to. Of course take all the help you can get in terms of carers etc. That is a given.

My advice would be to try not to let the resentment at your sister eat away at you. I had to effectively cut off any feelings of love/goodwill I had towards my brother/sil and put very strong boundaries in place afterwards to protect my own MH from the resentment. Have gone from having a fairly close relationship with them to a very superficial one now. But it was his choice to step away and do nothing and to leave it all to his sisters. How are we meant to act like happy / close family after that? Talk to your therapist about your feelings towards your sister, that really helped me.

Consider having a full and frank conversation with your sister about what she is and isnt prepared to do, Tell her about the effect doing everything it is having on you. See if you can work something out that will give you some respite. It is worth risking a fall out with her to talk about this now. Otherwise the resentment could kill off the relationship you have with her anyway (in my experience)

Yes absolutely, you should do the same. Book a holiday and tell your siblings you won't be available during those dates.

If you are feeling overwhelmed and your siblings won't step up, is it time for your parent to think about paying for care?

I’ve voted yanbu because I can see how much value having help would be for you. However I agree you can’t make anyone do something they don’t want or feel able to do.
Elderly care is tough and something you need to decide moving forward whether it is viable to continue with your mum.
yes you can reduce visits if that’s all it is. If she relies on you though for needs and hospital admissions (getting her there) then that’s more challenging and you might need to think about carers/residential care to replace you.
My mum is great and amazingly healthy and fit for her age. But we frequently say, her and all siblings, that were that to change it would mean that she needed to be cared for by carers where possible and when needed it would be residential care. My mum is adamant she will never be a burden (which is not how some view caring I know).

I’ve been you. This country relies on (largely) women making themselves present to care for their elderly parents. It’s how we ‘do’ old age. If someone doesn’t step up, your parents are fucked basically. They need help. You can’t opt out. So YANBU. What would happen if you didn’t do it! They’d have nobody to advocate for them as they navigate services that simply don’t work frankly!

Yes, my sibling has always said that she’s really grateful for my parents and how secure our childhoods were. They had a great relationship until my parents were too old and/or unwell to help her with childcare.
I appreciate that each relationship is unique and often people grow up in the same household with quite opposite experiences so although I believe my sister is selfish, I don’t think this is the case for everyone.

Being away on holiday isn't an excuse. It's a perfectly valid reason. Even if they booked it knowing that your DM had an appointment, it might have been the only time they had to go away

Working from home is not an excuse to childcare. Teenage children still need care, a different type but still need parental support.

Can you ever be 100% certain that your sister feels they were wonderful parents. My siblings have a different view of our childhoods than me.

You need to take it. It is your primary job to look after you and not run you into the ground. You cannot reach burnout. You can only do so much. If your parents need more, they need a carer.

But someone working from home is working. They cannot be caring for children in this time.

I feel your pain. My parents were/are wonderful parents and I believe they deserved my sister and I to both look after them when they need it. Instead, I nursed my dad to his dying day and my adult child, DH and I all share my mums care, whether that’s appointments, shopping or whatever. It's incredibly selfish and unfair. Every situation is different and people have their own reasons for stepping up or not. But often, yes it is selfish and unfair.

That's your choice. You don't get to make it for other people.

Unfortunately not every sibling has the same experience of being parented and so may not feel as willing to step up. My DF was a very difficult man, but my DSis was very clearly his favourite and was committed to caring for him. I don't know how she felt about my lack of involvement, but nothing would have persuaded me to get involved.

Why is she in A&E so much? Is home the right place if so many accidents/emergencies? You said you work part time, does your sibling work full time?

You can only do what you can and want to do.

others can chose what they are prepared to do.

it might seem ‘selfish’ or ‘unfair’ if no one else is helping but if that is the case and you can’t / don’t want to do more - you need to ask for a carers assessment for yourself and ask for a care assessment for your parent. Both from adult social care.

be explicitly clear what you can / can’t commit to.

unless you step back - no one else will step forward.

that might not fit well with you if you feel obliged, that you ‘should’ care for them etc.

but no one has to keep another person warm by setting fire to themselves.

only you know what you can and want to do. Don’t be pressured to do more than you are willing and able to.

What other family members do or do not fo is not your concern. Don’t try and guilt them into doing more than they want to and don’t guilt yourself into believing that you HAVE to do everything.

I really feel for you. This sounds so hard.

I am the sibling who lives very far away and is less use but I have asked for all the jobs that don’t necessitate proximity so have taken over online stuff, banking, phone calls to GP sometimes. Can you ask each sibling what they are prepared to do to give support eg online weekly shop, so that load is lightened for you? Also what other agencies can provide. Do your parents have £ to pay for cleaner, gardener, carers?

No. Its your job to say how much you’re prepared and able to do. You have to take responsibility for your own boundaries.

SIL could plead this case but fails to recognise that her mum raised her children for her, feds her and them every night, buys them endless gifts and holidays, treats her like a queen in every scenario, and doesn’t engage in the same way with any of the other siblings.

DH tried for a long time to stay in touch but is always rejecting in favour of SIL, so actually no, he won’t be called upon if either of them suddenly gets sick

YABU. The siblings are under no obligation to do anything and - crucially - neither are you.

My brother has completely sacked off our parents. And they need a lot of help now. DM disabled, DF is her carer. Hes done absolutely nothing for them. I have done everything over the last 2 years and it's broken me (I work, have university age kids, DH, a life of my own (!)) and its been unbelievably stressful.

I've had counselling recently as a result of being depressed and its made me realise that I do too much and I have to reduce my visits etc if I want to have any life of my own. I've started doing that and I feel happier.

Take care you don't do everything OP. You can only do what you want to do not what others feel you should be doing.