Selfish Sibling?

You can't expect only positive

And we aren't wrong. You have to set boundaries. I've been there.

Time for you to stop this and let them take their turn, or your Mum gets paid carers.

@Spirallingdownwards see my next post in response to someone else who said similar. Some people ARE selfish.

Or your sibling didn't have the same experience or relationship with your parents as you did and she feels perfectly comfortable in stepping away because of that. Not selfish and self preservation!

I have to say sometimes I'm glad I am an only DC.

I visit aged DPs who live an hour away fairly frequently, but when the time comes that they need frequent care, then I've already said I can't do this and they ( well DM ) has said they wouldn't expect me too.

I guess we have a different scenario because DPs can afford a care home which will hopefully be closer to me than they are now, but not all council care homes are dreadful and you can't force your siblings to give a certain level of care because you refuse to let your DM go into a home.

You need to work out how much you are willing and able to do and stick to your boundaries. Then tell your sibling and parents this and explain that either paid for services or another sibling will be needed for any shortfall in their care.

I had a total breakdown caring for my DM while my DF was dying in a hospital 50 miles away from me (they were divorced) and my DS was in another hospital 70 miles from me.

Carer’s support arranged counselling for me and with this help I put boundaries in place. I contacted social services I told them what o would and wouldn’t be doing.

It isn’t selfish to put your own health and wellbeing first as your sibling is.

It is a choice. You don’t have to do it.

If you were my sister telling me that I had time for a 45 minute train journey and visit because my kids are teens, quite frankly I’d tell you to piss off. And yes you can go on holiday. Just go. I can’t stand martyrs who try to tell others what to do.

What about retirement living accommodation? It can be a really good halfway house for someone needing support but not ready for a care home. The social aspect is also great to stop the residents feeling lonely and isolated.

You have three choices:

1. Carry on doing what you're doing and let resentment make you bitter
2. Accept that you're making a conscious choice to make sacrifices for your parents and be at peace with your decisions
3. Do what your sibling does and put yourself first

There is no option where you can force other people to do what you do.

Personally I chose 2 and I'm very happy. I didn't put my mum in a care home but moved her in with me, and I feel zero resentment towards her or my sibling.

You know full well you have a choice. Do you enjoy being a martyr?

But you DO have a choice
You could arrange carers, not be available 24/7, advise your DM she needs to move into a home...

YANBU OP and I feel for you.

I have a sister who by all accounts is lovely, but operates inside her own little bubble with little consideration for anyone else. I never see her unless I go visit her. My young DC get birthday gifts 3 weeks after the event, and usually delivered by DGP despite sister living 10 miles away (whilst we always personally deliver her DC gifts on the day or in advance). As soon as sister thinks you can help with something though she's straight on the phone, and it's always needed asap and of the highest importance to her.

I would explain situation to sibling and hope they would offer more support, but it's very difficult to change the habits of selfish people. Perhaps you could ask other family members, DP etc to help share the care around?

I have elderly relatives who have needed a huge amount of care which has come mainly from the women in the family, especially those who lived closest. But I don't have children and when I think about my own old age it's in the knowledge that I'm going to have to be super aware of my own limitations and, ideally, make sensible decisions before I'm forced to. Can you imagine what your Mum would do if she didn't have children? Or if you all lived in Australia or something? The only person you can change in this scenario is yourself.

OP do you have kids and how far away is your sibling from your mum?

I think those saying YABU need to understand that everyone can feel unreasonable resentment especially when they’re physically exhausted. So on the surface of it I don’t think YABU but I also think that your sister is fine to have boundaries. Being a carer when you’re still relatively young is really not easy for anyone!

Having not had a car, 45 minutes on a train is not a case of 45 minutes there, 45 back

Roughly for a straightforward journey, you've got to get there in time, which in my case meant taking the bus that was every 30 minutes, but not timed to fit with the train
So if I had a train at 1400, then officially the bus that got in at 1350 should be fine... But not always because they get cancelled/late so you need to catch the half an hour earlier one to be sure that leaves at 1305, but it sometimes goes early, so really I want to be there by 1300 at the latest. And that's an hour added onto the journey straight away.

I agree going on holiday is their "right" but equally then can I do the same?

Of course.

You are directing your anger wrongky here.

Your sister had every right to say she can't help and she doesn't need to justify her reasons to you.

Every person is different, and every person has different priorities and different things they can/can't cope with. And every person has a responsibility to set their own boundaries appropriately, and they don't need to explain these to others.

Your sister is doing a good job of setting her own boundaries. It would be nice/helpful for you if her boundaries were different, but they are not.

You on the other hand are doing a poor job of setting your own boundaries. That's what you need to work on rather than being angry at your sister for setting hers.

It sounds like you (understandably) need to step back. That doesn't however mean your sister needs to step up. It's time to explore other options.

I really do get how difficult and frustrating it is for you OP, but the fact is no-one can make another person Care.

Yes, it's unfair, unreasonable, selfish, etc etc etc

What can you do about it?

From experience, you have to accept they aren't going to help and manage your own siutation. Otherwise you will just seethe with resentment every time you ask for help and don't get it.

As much as I understand how hard it is, you have to get in as much help from other sources as you can. Carers, befriending, cleaners etc. Apply for attendance allowance and request a SS assessment if necessary.

You can continue to care for and support your DM but you have to protect your own physical & mental health.

You book to go away and if need be arrange for carers to come in for the week.

If she's falling that much it might be the case that looking at residential care is the answer

It's not a nice thing to look into but sometimes we have to acknowledge its what's actually best

Agree, how frail is she and whats causing all these falls needing hospital? Are they saying they're mechanical or health related? Is she being seen by physio/ot in hosp?